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My mother and sister treated me this way. Mom resented her cute younger sisters, and transferred that to me. And taught my sister that, too.
Example: mom let my sister wear her Navy nurse cape. Sister cut several inches off the bottom. Mom was upset.
A few years later, I did a nice finish on the cut edges, and replaced the silk velvet on the collar.
Whenever the subject of that cape came up (surprisingly often), mom would tell everyone that I cut off the bottom of the cape. At first, I would politely remind her that I wasn't the vandal, but eventually realized that it didn't matter, I was going to get the blame.
I eventually cut mom out of my life, and didn't see or speak to her the last few years before her death.
My sister is still self-centered and blaming me. But who cares?
Yes. The scapegoat will be blamed for things that they didn't even do. If the scapegoat gets upset over being bullied and mistreated they will be labelled as "crazy". Everything is their fault. Nothing is anyone else in the family's fault.
Yes. The scapegoat will be blamed for things that they didn't even do. If the scapegoat gets upset over being bullied and mistreated they will be labelled as "crazy". Everything is their fault. Nothing is anyone else in the family's fault.
That's too bad that other people don't see it. Growing up I don't remember a time when my brother and I didn't know there was something weird about our parents, especially my mom. It wasn't until just recently that I learned about dysfunctional family roles and who got what assignment. If she would have been successful and dividing us she probably could have destroyed us.
scape goating is how many an employee gets promoted. THink about it.Most are throwing others under the bus...
@ home I am sure I did my share of pointing the finger to avoid repercussions. I'm as guilty of the next on that at a young age. At some point though I learned to be accountable....
SO yes...been on both sides...For now I'll stick to what really works...integrity and honesty.
I never could understand how family members could be so cruel. It took me years
to understand that they were insecure and needed someone to release their rage and abuse onto
someone else.
Scapegoats are targeted for their strengths. e.g., strong willed, empathic, justice-seeking,
internalizing blame, highly sensitive, protective of others, questioning authority, care-taking
and different in some way. The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family | HuffPost
These strengths and characteristics were evident when scapegoats were children but in
the end they gave us the ability to escape.
Interesting. It never occurred to me I had strength. I was the family scapegoat. I was responsible for taking care of the family and the house from a pretty young age, but I never did them to my mother's satisfaction. So I was weak, selfish (always), worthless, a loser, and a disappointment, no matter how hard I tried (and sometimes I didn't try at all). My mother was and is filled with contempt for me and my weak character.
This has carried over into my working life. I have been targeted for bullying and malicious gossip by a group of women at one workplace, a supervisor at another, and so on. I always figured it was because they sensed that I was a spineless, worthless, and weak - easy prey.
I never thought of myself as strong. But I think I have some of the strengths listed in the article, and my childhood did teach me the skills and the will to be very self sufficient. And my family has no place in my life anymore. It all turned out OK.
Interesting. It never occurred to me I had strength. I was the family scapegoat. I was responsible for taking care of the family and the house from a pretty young age, but I never did them to my mother's satisfaction. So I was weak, selfish (always), worthless, a loser, and a disappointment, no matter how hard I tried (and sometimes I didn't try at all). My mother was and is filled with contempt for me and my weak character.
This has carried over into my working life. I have been targeted for bullying and malicious gossip by a group of women at one workplace, a supervisor at another, and so on. I always figured it was because they sensed that I was a spineless, worthless, and weak - easy prey.
I never thought of myself as strong. But I think I have some of the strengths listed in the article, and my childhood did teach me the skills and the will to be very self sufficient. And my family has no place in my life anymore. It all turned out OK.
Yah, I always felt like my mother was withholding love until I pleased her...and she was never pleased. If I just tried harder...did better...
My mother and sister treated me this way. Mom resented her cute younger sisters, and transferred that to me. And taught my sister that, too.
Example: mom let my sister wear her Navy nurse cape. Sister cut several inches off the bottom. Mom was upset.
A few years later, I did a nice finish on the cut edges, and replaced the silk velvet on the collar.
Whenever the subject of that cape came up (surprisingly often), mom would tell everyone that I cut off the bottom of the cape. At first, I would politely remind her that I wasn't the vandal, but eventually realized that it didn't matter, I was going to get the blame.
I eventually cut mom out of my life, and didn't see or speak to her the last few years before her death.
My sister is still self-centered and blaming me. But who cares?
Yes, whatever bad thing someone else did will be transferred to the scapegoat even if it is something concrete that could be proven. If Scapegoat does something very good, it will be transferred to someone else, usually a golden person, or ignored.
I have a sibling that was a terrible kid, and not only am I accused of being the bad kid they were, the sib is seen as a pristine, even though they were arrested, did hard drugs, assaults, sex, the whole thing. When it comes to talking about the past the family pretends I was the one who did all that and specifically that sib was innocent and "boring". Even though sib has told the wild stories, they get ignored and later attributed to me. Sib thinks this is so funny and treats it like a joke but never corrects.
One time I saved a dog from being run over, there were witnesses who saw me do it, but the scapegoaters hated me doing something that would get positive attention so one of them reluctantly said -" It's a good thing "someone" saw the dog run toward the road." Couldn't even say my name, what actually happened, or a thank you. One of the guests praised me specifically and the looks on the scapegoaters face was incredible.
I have nothing to do with any of them now, thank god, but it took too long.
Unfortunately those traits also make them susceptible to being scapegoated elsewhere such as in business, and personal relationships. People seem to be envious of their strong and decent qualities and want to take them down. Sometimes they see qualities such as empathy as weakness and take advantage of that. It doesn't necessarily end with the family of origin. The world is full of narcissists and covert sociopaths just waiting to come across a nice scapegoat to victimize.
I think you are so right about this. I was raised by two abusive alcoholic parents and definitely the family scapegoat. The abuse was brutal both physically and emotionally. I don't know how I not only survived it but came out on top without help. Well that is until I met someone so wounded and misogynistic that it took me totally by surprise. I was his scapegoat. I've never met anyone so shut down emotionally and with such a wounded inner child. He broke my heart a hundred times over which is exactly what he wanted to do. I did my best to be a friend and love him as such. He took it and twisted it into something delusional and spit it in my face with some very hurtful words. Yet another reason to stay away from alcoholics who choose to self medicate instead of facing their demons in a healthy way. Lesson learned. Back to the loving, healthy friendships I've painstakingly forged for myself.
My parents taught me well about survival and how not to be. I survived them because I was stronger then them and I was very insightful at a very young age. My inner child escapes a tad more the I'd like hr too sometimes. MMMMM taffy apple for breakfast? Don't mind if I do.
It's baffling that no one else in the family speaks up about what is going on. I get that outsiders won't be able to see it because you really do have to get close to it in order to see it but siblings sitting back and not saying a word.....are they just happy that it's not them being in that role or what? It's so sad because the only way out is to literally get out and cut off contact so in the end the scapegoat ends up with no family, essentially shunned after a lifetime of abuse.
I would love to hear first hand accounts of this systemic abuse.
it is very real indeed and transfers from generation to generation. All you have to do is be born to the "wrong" person in the family and you are automatically the scapegoat. Only way to stop the cycle is to cut off from both sides of the family of origin. And start your own family with healthy ways of handling stress and conflict.
In my instance, my father died when I was young. The youngest of 4. Two out of the house already and the closest in age already a rebel.
No one, including my mother, wanted to take responsibility for caring for the youngest child, me.
So, the easiest way to get out of that responsibility guilt free was to distract from the fact that i was a human being.
They would attribute every possible negative characteristic to me- I was fat, a thief, a liar, undeserving of any positive attention let alone nurturing.
My mother was so dysfunctional that the only way she seemed to be able to get any attention from her other children was to complain about what a problem I was...all the while my closest sibling was smoking, growing and selling pot out of our backyard and getting drunk and passing out at school, and going thru several cars at her expense.
My older siblings found it convenient to use me for this purpose too.
I was always invited to family functions...not because I was so loved but because they needed someone to blame when something went wrong or someone acted up behavior wise. Somehow my name would come up in the aftermath and everyone just went with it.
It wasnt until I was blamed for ruining a siblings vacation---that I did nt even know took place until weeks afterward, that I put two and two together and got out. When I confronted the scapegoaters all hysteria broke loose. Mental breakdowns all of them. While I , finally found my sanity and walked away.
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