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My first attempt at suicide was when I was 8 years old. I was "grounded" for something that I didn't do. I thought I would die if I jumped out of my second-story bedroom window, particularly since there were some pointy pine landscaping timbers directly below. I sat on the windowsill for almost an hour and contemplated plunging to my death. I finally did. My mom, who was washing dishes in the kitchen and watching out the window directly below, saw me "fall" and hit the landscaping timbers. I got dirty and was sore...that was it.
The next time I tried to commit suicide was when I was 16. I wasn't overweight but was on the higher end of the "right" weight for my height. I had a crush on a boy. I sat down on a rickety chair at a friend's house in front of my "crush," and the chair collapsed. He laughed, and I was so embarrassed and upset. Of course, I assumed it was because of my weight and not because the chair was messed up. Instead of laughing it off, I left. I bought a ton of Stacker 3 caffeine pills and took dozens of them. Then, since I'd heard people kill themselves with "sleeping pills," I went to Walgreen's and bought a ton of OTC sleeping pills. I took them all on top of the caffeine pills. It made for the most awful night. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep because I felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest.
The closest I probably ever came to killing myself was when I was 20 or 21. I drank a whole fifth of vodka and a few malt beverages. At this point, I had been diagnosed with ADD and had a prescription for Adderall. I chose to swallow my whole bottle of Adderall on top of taking every bit of every OTC medicine I had in my entire apartment -- Benadryl, Tylenol PM, ibuprofren, aspirin...everything. That was probably the worst hell I've ever been through in my life. I ended up rolling around on the floor and having the worst and most terrifying hallucinations that a person can even imagine. For days and days afterward, my heart pounded constantly, and the right side of my face twitched and drooped like I was having a seizure or something. The twitching and drooping went on for almost a year afterward. For days afterward, I thought I was constantly on the verge of a heart attack or stroke. I got really scared and wanted to go to the emergency room, but I knew if I did, I'd lose my job because I couldn't miss any work. If I wasn't going to die, I needed my job.
After that, when I was probably about 25, I was with my now-husband. Things were really bad. I got in the bathtub and took his utility knife. I tried to slit my wrists, but I was kind of too scared. I just ended up cutting my arms, but I never cut deep enough. He came into the bathroom before I could ever get the nerve to actually cut deep enough. Other than the first time, when I was eight, this was the first time I was "caught" with what I was doing.
Has anyone else ever attempted suicide? I'm kind of embarrassed that my "attempts" were so pitiful.
I worked as a suicide crisis counselor for about 7 years on crisis hotlines. There are many reasons that lead to people being suicidal, the biggest one though is being so overwhelmed by pain they see no way out and when they do reach out having that pain marginalized and invalidated with the accusation they are selfish can be the final blow.
I'd say ikmax if you keep thinking about it or attempting you need to call a crisis hotline and talk to a counselor to help you manage your emotions in healthy ways. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I've often thought about the saying about better living through chemistry but it seems that it's drugs that have thrown our chemical balance and tolerance for pain off.
It's no wonder that there is an opioid epidemic going on as the high cost of living in this world is causing a lot of pain as it seems that there just isn't enough money around to buy happiness.
There is a breaking point of an endurance belief cycle for everyone and one doesn't know how much pain one can endure.
But, there is hope and the belief that hard times don't last and if you can just hang on a little longer, things will change and get better.
My first attempt at suicide was when I was 8 years old. I was "grounded" for something that I didn't do. I thought I would die if I jumped out of my second-story bedroom window, particularly since there were some pointy pine landscaping timbers directly below. I sat on the windowsill for almost an hour and contemplated plunging to my death. I finally did. My mom, who was washing dishes in the kitchen and watching out the window directly below, saw me "fall" and hit the landscaping timbers. I got dirty and was sore...that was it.
The next time I tried to commit suicide was when I was 16. I wasn't overweight but was on the higher end of the "right" weight for my height. I had a crush on a boy. I sat down on a rickety chair at a friend's house in front of my "crush," and the chair collapsed. He laughed, and I was so embarrassed and upset. Of course, I assumed it was because of my weight and not because the chair was messed up. Instead of laughing it off, I left. I bought a ton of Stacker 3 caffeine pills and took dozens of them. Then, since I'd heard people kill themselves with "sleeping pills," I went to Walgreen's and bought a ton of OTC sleeping pills. I took them all on top of the caffeine pills. It made for the most awful night. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep because I felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest.
The closest I probably ever came to killing myself was when I was 20 or 21. I drank a whole fifth of vodka and a few malt beverages. At this point, I had been diagnosed with ADD and had a prescription for Adderall. I chose to swallow my whole bottle of Adderall on top of taking every bit of every OTC medicine I had in my entire apartment -- Benadryl, Tylenol PM, ibuprofren, aspirin...everything. That was probably the worst hell I've ever been through in my life. I ended up rolling around on the floor and having the worst and most terrifying hallucinations that a person can even imagine. For days and days afterward, my heart pounded constantly, and the right side of my face twitched and drooped like I was having a seizure or something. The twitching and drooping went on for almost a year afterward. For days afterward, I thought I was constantly on the verge of a heart attack or stroke. I got really scared and wanted to go to the emergency room, but I knew if I did, I'd lose my job because I couldn't miss any work. If I wasn't going to die, I needed my job.
After that, when I was probably about 25, I was with my now-husband. Things were really bad. I got in the bathtub and took his utility knife. I tried to slit my wrists, but I was kind of too scared. I just ended up cutting my arms, but I never cut deep enough. He came into the bathroom before I could ever get the nerve to actually cut deep enough. Other than the first time, when I was eight, this was the first time I was "caught" with what I was doing.
Has anyone else ever attempted suicide? I'm kind of embarrassed that my "attempts" were so pitiful.
are you glad it didn't work back then? How are you feeling now?
Last edited by oh-eve; 10-26-2017 at 11:10 AM..
Reason: safaf
My friends grabbed me before I could walk out into traffic when I was a teenager. I lived with two abusive alcoholics and I honestly couldn't take it another day when I tried to walk out in front of a truck. Sometimes the misery becomes the only thing you can see. I think I was around 13 or 14 at the time.
I had another attempt when I started taking a bottle of aspirin. I told my mother and her solution was to pump me full of coffee. She wouldn't take me to the hospital because "You don't want that on your record." Never mind that I was sick as a dog for two days. Idiot!
My parents finally allowed me to get another dog after ours had been poisoned by a neighbor. I payed for it myself and we were inseparable. Well that is until my drunk father let it out and it escaped from our falling down fence one cold winter night. I never found it. I was around 15 or 16 at the time and realized that I was in the home stretch of escaping my personal Viet Nam. I was gone at 19 and never looked back.
There are times in life that you just can't justify your existence, and I lost someone I knew to suicide 4 years ago. I understand his misery, but I also understand how myopic that can be. I'm terribly grateful that I survived. I also went through an accidental drug overdose, and nearly drowned twice. Once as an infant, and once as an adult. I'm one of the lucky ones.
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