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The problem is the mixed messages young people are getting sent. Some guys take the promiscuity message and run with it, others take the opposing message of only searching for loving, caring relationships and when that fails they just have trouble dealing with the end (which I think is due to many different issues). If we sell the Disney Romance theme, combined with other issues (such as a guy who is scared to be alone, doesn't want to have to work to find another girlfriend, etc.), I can see why some young guys just can't let go. They do everything "right" in terms of being kind, loving, etc., but the young woman just wants to separate and these guys feel they are losing everything.
I'm under the impression young men are constantly told they should treat young women "right," and basically not use them for sex (either in a ONS or as a long term relationships where the guy knows he is very likely going to eventually move on but doesn't tell his gf this). Well young women do the same thing, and when they hook one of these quick to commit, relationship oriented guys who are ready to settle quick in life, it can be brutal once she decides she is done and wants to move on. Yet no one seems to shame women for this (unless she used the guy for money, treated him horribly, etc.). Society seems to want to say, "Well, young women need to date around." That's good and all, but the men need to be given the same message. The message to young people needs to be: "Your generation averages x number of intimate partners in a lifetime. Don't get too hung up on getting too serious while you're young. Treat people right, and if they or you want to move along, for whatever reason, do so. There are plenty of other people to date or hookup with."
Even then,they rarely shame the women. Theyll usually say that its the mans fault for picking a gold digging abuser.
These young men need to learn that dealing with rejection is part of what it means to be a man. Sure, women deal with rejection too but the way our social structure is set up, its the men who do the asking, so...
It is about control. A person who cannot handle rejection is controlling. They are just unhappy when they have nobody to control. They believe that if the person just said "yes", they would be happy.
My inability to handle rejection came from fear of people who could not handle my rejections. It lead to a policy of appeasement and as you can imagine, a quarter of a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. It is very easy to lose yourself when dealing with people who cannot handle rejection, because you are constantly doing what they demand and expect. Many times, if not most of the time, they are difficult to please.
I can't imagine parents who know better would want a life for their child like mine. Most don't and many children grow up to live happy independent lives.
when young women are taught to put such a high price on their Uknowwhat, and work it to their benefit at all times, things happen. women are not immune from needing to be shown the right way. If it aint working, just move on and be independent, it is ok.
You do realize this isn't a young people thing, right? I've had grown men, in their upper 30s and 40s, before the days of the tedious diatribes of helicopter parenting and participation trophies, act like first-rate douchebags because they get turned down.
Trying to make this into a generational thing just doesn't work.
Yep, but it wouldn't be a City Data forum if the thread didn't degenerate into how "young people these days are all wimps and responsible for the failings of previous generations!" whine-fest within a page of the starting post. Meanwhile, the most bitter, out of touch, and unable to handle reality people I've encountered over the decades are the angry, old sots who have no clue how good they had it (pensions, etc.), but who are eager to blame kids who weren't even born yet for everything wrong in society. It's a joke.
As for the OP's post, yes - lots of people don't handle rejection well. Trying to single it out as a "problem with men" is simply inaccurate. Women these days don't handle it well, either, but they also don't do the asking anywhere near as often. But this is nothing new. I don't see any evidence that people these days are somehow uniquely unable to handle rejection compared to previous generations. Only a few things have changed:
- There are far more places to grouse online about how lousy the opposite sex is, giving the false impression that all this pent-up rage and inability to handle rejection is a new thing. It's not, but the forums in which one can complain about it are
- The rise of the internet has also made it so communications are shallower and it is easier to basically "shop" for partners and discard them when they are no longer interesting. This leads to more rejection - particularly pointless rejection. Any bitterness from that is to be expected when people are seen as disposable. In short, that's not "kids these days can't handle it!" but rather that people these days are frustrated with the disposable and often two-faced culture in which we live.
Yep, but it wouldn't be a City Data forum if the thread didn't degenerate into how "young people these days are all wimps and responsible for the failings of previous generations!" whine-fest within a page of the starting post. Meanwhile, the most bitter, out of touch, and unable to handle reality people I've encountered over the decades are the angry, old sots who have no clue how good they had it (pensions, etc.), but who are eager to blame kids who weren't even born yet for everything wrong in society. It's a joke.
Start paying attention to what is happening on college campuses and you'll be better dialed into what is happening with the last generation or two.
I'm a gen X'er and I have over the years on this forum spent time trying to give young people a break. Of course not all is to blame on young people. Anyone with a rational thought can subscribe to that.
There is also no denying that a core shift has been happening in the last few years. People are more disrespectful of American values among a whole other slew of things. Just the last few yeasr really has thing really sorta gone off the deep end. The therapy dogs and hot chocolate colleges were giving out because Trump won. I mean I woke up everyday for a damn week and my first thought was holly Christ I can't believe Trump won. I was horrified. I get it, but there was vid clips of students on campus literally in the fetal postion crying because Hillary lost. I mean come on, give me a break already. You're team lost, buck up, make plans to regroup and reoganzize to get your message out. Don't cry on the streets like five yr old because she lost. I mean never seen any of that garbage in my whole life.
Safe spaces... lol, really???? You're so tender that contrary views require this? Micro-aggressions? When I was growing up it was some dude being a ******** and you saw it for what it was and you moved on. You didn't try to stifle their views.
The first amendment is under attack. The nitwits up in Berkley are probably some of the biggest wimps I've ever seen. Cost 600k of tax payer dollars to pay for a talk that Ben Shapiro wanted to give. I mean come on. I'm not righty but I've spent enough time listening to him to know that he's just a typical conservative espousing the typical less government drivel that cons tend to say. To call him dangerous is beyond silly.
People on college campuses are in the space to hear, see and take in varieties of data. That is what the college experience is about. To learn to hear wide varying world views and to formulate one's own opinions on he world the universe and otherwise.
To live in an echo chamber insulated from others opinions is stupid beyond measure.
Again, we didn't have any of this stuff till just the last 5 to 10 years. Not sure what happened, but something happened and to say otherwise is doing it ostrich style....
The thread title, as well as some of the posters, bring up an interesting point: Whenever there's an unmet need, something will emerge to meet it. That's how steam engines, light bulbs, washing machines, and transistor radios were invented. (I'm not counting smartphones, because they're meeting an artificial unmet need, created by Apple and Google.) In today's world, nobody was or is young teaching men how to navigate the dating world. Schools won't touch it with a 1000-foot pole, and many parents prefer to cling to the Disney reality they were taught. (Which used to be true, but not anymore.) So I'm not surprised that all sorts of questionable information sources are floating around the internet today. With one of them being a pill that shares its color with a Red Delicious apple.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 10-29-2017 at 09:42 PM..
There needs to be a class to teach both men and women to cope with rejection. Nobody is immune from it.
That class is called make 3 years worth of cold calls for a sales job, estimated 40-50k dials within that time span, and quickly you'll develop some of the thickest skin on the planet.... Like I did
That's not to say rejection doesn't bother me or hurt, but I've developed resiliency, being able to quickly bound back from set backs mentally as well as emotionally. I had no other choice when I was making cold sales calls, I needed to train myself to be able to get over temporarily disappointment and defeat as quickly as possible.
Last edited by JPrzybylski07; 10-30-2017 at 08:57 AM..
Young people in general are being shielded from the reality of life through too much helicopter parenting and "we don't keep score" and everyone gets a trophy mentality. It's all horsecrap. Life sucks, sometimes you lose and you have to be taught that you have to learn to accept failure, rejection and all of the other things that life throws our way. We're doing our kids a disservice the last generation or two in this regard.
Fall, lose, get rejected, whatever it is, we need to teach our kids to get up, realize that it's ok to fail or whatever but to get back into the saddle of life and be ok with failure in that regard. It's not the end of the world to have hurt feelings once in a while and that no one in life gives a flying you know what about your feelings in the big wide world.
Very few people handle rejection well when they hold some form of personal investment in something.
Even those who “take it well” usually fall in to bad mouthing and slanderous behaviors when they feel slighted by another.
We can teach ourselves to temper ourselves in these moments, but it doesn’t stop us from feeling and subsequently falling back off the wagon from time to time when emotion can’t help but bubble to the surface.
It’s not an issue that ends with adulthood or a “proper” upbringing. It’s a constant issue everyone will deal with consistently throughout life.
FWIW it’s not a problem with the sexes as much as it is a complete human issue.
This forum has an odd obsession with the male side of rejection at times.
It's called DO NOT act like a victim just because things didn't go the way you wanted them to.. Bad mouthing someone because they may have been slighted by another person is totally playing the victim poor me card, and also the entitlement card.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
There is also no denying that a core shift has been happening in the last few years. People are more disrespectful of American values among a whole other slew of things. Just the last few yeasr really has thing really sorta gone off the deep end. The therapy dogs and hot chocolate colleges were giving out because Trump won. I mean I woke up everyday for a damn week and my first thought was holly Christ I can't believe Trump won. I was horrified. I get it, but there was vid clips of students on campus literally in the fetal postion crying because Hillary lost. I mean come on, give me a break already. You're team lost, buck up, make plans to regroup and reoganzize to get your message out. Don't cry on the streets like five yr old because she lost. I mean never seen any of that garbage in my whole life. ..
I mean, I hate that she lost, but if I was a member of a group that is bound to be directly harmed (for decades if you include SCOTUS appointments), or just women in general, or LBGT individuals, I think it is pretty understandable that people were and are incredibly hurt by that election. People were told (directly) by a large chunk (a minority, but enough people) that you and your rights don't matter at all. We (as a society) don't give a crud about you. It's a pretty huge shift from the previous 8 which was very inclusive and compassionate.
I didn't feel the same way, I was and am bummed, but I'm a white straight male, I have it easy.
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