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Plenty of women ask and put themselves out there. Rejection is just part of life and something we face at various points in life, and we need to have the emotional and mental awareness and maturity to deal with it.
I've had many men get upset when I declined their advances or offer to meetup. Not only did a lot of these men not accept the "no," they took it as an attempt to just try harder, because persistence is key, apparently. It goes back to the whole "play hard to get" nonsense that not everyone buys into. I didn't play games and act coy. If I was interested, they'd know it, and if not, I said as much.
Telling someone to die in a fire because they decline an invitation to go on a date is more than a bit much. Going all fatal attraction is just not a mindful way to handle rejection, either.
I hate when that happens. So much wrong with that. I feel especially bad for people who are in those circumstances.
You do realize this isn't a young people thing, right? I've had grown men, in their upper 30s and 40s, before the days of the tedious diatribes of helicopter parenting and participation trophies, act like first-rate douchebags because they get turned down.
Trying to make this into a generational thing just doesn't work.
I agree there. Many people who lash out at me are older.
In 2015-2016, the best goal scorer in the NHL scored 50 goals. It took him 398 shots to score 50 goals, and those were just the shots that either hit the goalie or the back of the net. That's not even counting the attempted shots, which were blocked, or hit the glass or that just missed the net completely. So he scored 50 goals, and the goaltender's still SAVED 348 of his shots that year. If you count attempted shots, he scored 50 out of 691 times that he shot the puck. He only scored a goal on 1 out of every 8-ish shots on goal. And he's the best in the league at scoring goals, and he still has only scored a goal on 12.4 percent of his career shots on goal. And then last year, he had a bad year for his standards. Only score 33 goals on 313 shots on goal and 582 shots attempted.
I always use this analogy with rejection. Even the best, they get rejected and sometimes they get rejected A LOT.
This isn't a one way street. Decline a woman who is used to getting her way with men and watch her unravel into an immature obscenity hurling teenager.
I've also had two women I dated for an extended period physically attack me when I broke up with them.
In my opinion men handle rejection better than women because we have to face it much more often. Whether in OLD or IRL, men are usually the ones putting themselves out there. This is just another foray into "toxic masculinity" by people that have no idea, or care to know, what the male experience is.
Some women. Some men. Some people are mentally healthier than others.
I'm thinking about the last time I got rejected and did not handle it well. I took to a social media site and penned a whiny few paragraphs about how I wasn't what any of the men wanted and wallowed in my spurned feelings for a minute. Then I got over it and deleted that post. It was petulant. I literally complained that I didn't have a fat enough backside, in that nonsense, I am not even joking.
But when I got over it, I really got over it... I carry no bitter feelings whatsoever toward those who rejected me. Not the one I came on to who said "maybe we could be friends" as a way of telling me he didn't want to date me again...and not the one I was having a very hot fling with who flaked, ghosted, and pushed me out of his life when I really wanted to keep seeing him, amid many lies about how we should "get together soon." But I'd say that one reason I can be so not bitter is that I did go on to enjoy success with others. It's hard to cling to hurt and misery when you've got happiness all in your face with someone else.
The men I know who struggle to cope with rejection, seem to get more and more bitter...and they carry the bitterness of the last rejection into Date #1 with the next opportunity, and she senses their negative feelings (which often feel threatening to a woman even if she isn't the reason for them) and then SHE rejects him...and then he feels more bitter, and it just continues and gets worse each time. Handling rejection poorly, as a man, usually means you're just going to get more and more of it.
As a woman...well, there are men who will overlook your attitude if you're still working on bad feelings from a prior rejection, as long as you don't act TOO nasty, and as long as you aren't (in their eyes) bad looking. So you get a chance to recover usually, more easily than a guy might, unless he's really hot stuff.
But I have met some women for whom rejection becomes a bad cycle that drags them down in the bigger sense, and those are usually ones who have serious underlying mental health problems, where it's rather clear they are looking for someone to cling to, lean on, and kinda suck the life out of. They do nothing but wallow in self pity nonstop. And even they do tend to eventually find a relationship...but it's usually a bad (often abusive) one.
EDIT: Also, that thing where the sting of one rejection makes a guy less likely to make a new attempt, out of fear or avoidance it could happen again...women I think struggle less with that since we're more often approached. But then we have the thing of, if a guy used us for sex once we might be gun shy about the next guy possibly being a player.
I've always wondered which was objectively worse...being rejected right out of the gate before you even get a chance, or being rejected when you had been intimate and started to attach your feelings to a person. Personally I'd rather be rejected upfront, than once I started to really care.
It is about control. A person who cannot handle rejection is controlling. They are just unhappy when they have nobody to control. They believe that if the person just said "yes", they would be happy.
My inability to handle rejection came from fear of people who could not handle my rejections. It lead to a policy of appeasement and as you can imagine, a quarter of a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. It is very easy to lose yourself when dealing with people who cannot handle rejection, because you are constantly doing what they demand and expect. Many times, if not most of the time, they are difficult to please.
I can't imagine parents who know better would want a life for their child like mine. Most don't and many children grow up to live happy independent lives.
This is exactly why I don't give in to these nutcases. If they lash out at me, in many cases, I will stand up for myself and lash back harder and give them something to think about. It is not worth the bruises, broken nose, ribs, etc. (Most people making advances at me are guys).
I don't care if you are twice my size, I'm going down swinging. IF I wind up in the hospital, or in a casket oh well. I would die before I sell myself like that.
Some women. Some men. Some people are mentally healthier than others.
I'm thinking about the last time I got rejected and did not handle it well. I took to a social media site and penned a whiny few paragraphs about how I wasn't what any of the men wanted and wallowed in my spurned feelings for a minute. Then I got over it and deleted that post. It was petulant. I literally complained that I didn't have a fat enough backside, in that nonsense, I am not even joking.
But when I got over it, I really got over it... I carry no bitter feelings whatsoever toward those who rejected me. Not the one I came on to who said "maybe we could be friends" as a way of telling me he didn't want to date me again...and not the one I was having a very hot fling with who flaked, ghosted, and pushed me out of his life when I really wanted to keep seeing him, amid many lies about how we should "get together soon." But I'd say that one reason I can be so not bitter is that I did go on to enjoy success with others. It's hard to cling to hurt and misery when you've got happiness all in your face with someone else.
The men I know who struggle to cope with rejection, seem to get more and more bitter...and they carry the bitterness of the last rejection into Date #1 with the next opportunity, and she senses their negative feelings (which often feel threatening to a woman even if she isn't the reason for them) and then SHE rejects him...and then he feels more bitter, and it just continues and gets worse each time. Handling rejection poorly, as a man, usually means you're just going to get more and more of it.
As a woman...well, there are men who will overlook your attitude if you're still working on bad feelings from a prior rejection, as long as you don't act TOO nasty, and as long as you aren't (in their eyes) bad looking. So you get a chance to recover usually, more easily than a guy might, unless he's really hot stuff.
But I have met some women for whom rejection becomes a bad cycle that drags them down in the bigger sense, and those are usually ones who have serious underlying mental health problems, where it's rather clear they are looking for someone to cling to, lean on, and kinda suck the life out of. They do nothing but wallow in self pity nonstop. And even they do tend to eventually find a relationship...but it's usually a bad (often abusive) one.
EDIT: Also, that thing where the sting of one rejection makes a guy less likely to make a new attempt, out of fear or avoidance it could happen again...women I think struggle less with that since we're more often approached. But then we have the thing of, if a guy used us for sex once we might be gun shy about the next guy possibly being a player.
I've always wondered which was objectively worse...being rejected right out of the gate before you even get a chance, or being rejected when you had been intimate and started to attach your feelings to a person. Personally I'd rather be rejected upfront, than once I started to really care.
That's kinda my thing..I feel like if I had any success currently then the sting of rejection would easily go away for me..
Also I think it hurts more because I feel like in my last rejection I was being led in and used..
As far as your last paragraph it's tricky..when you've never had success like me then every rejection feels like it's never gonna happen for you..if I had prior success I do t think I'd take rejections as personally..
But to you're point when you get rejected but somebody you grew feelings for it does hurt more.. while this current rejection I was never intimate with I knew her for years and we have a real good connection so when she rejected me I really took it personally as opposed to being rejected by a stranger.
Some women. Some men. Some people are mentally healthier than others.
I'm thinking about the last time I got rejected and did not handle it well. I took to a social media site and penned a whiny few paragraphs about how I wasn't what any of the men wanted and wallowed in my spurned feelings for a minute. Then I got over it and deleted that post. It was petulant. I literally complained that I didn't have a fat enough backside, in that nonsense, I am not even joking.
But when I got over it, I really got over it... I carry no bitter feelings whatsoever toward those who rejected me. Not the one I came on to who said "maybe we could be friends" as a way of telling me he didn't want to date me again...and not the one I was having a very hot fling with who flaked, ghosted, and pushed me out of his life when I really wanted to keep seeing him, amid many lies about how we should "get together soon." But I'd say that one reason I can be so not bitter is that I did go on to enjoy success with others. It's hard to cling to hurt and misery when you've got happiness all in your face with someone else.
The men I know who struggle to cope with rejection, seem to get more and more bitter...and they carry the bitterness of the last rejection into Date #1 with the next opportunity, and she senses their negative feelings (which often feel threatening to a woman even if she isn't the reason for them) and then SHE rejects him...and then he feels more bitter, and it just continues and gets worse each time. Handling rejection poorly, as a man, usually means you're just going to get more and more of it.
As a woman...well, there are men who will overlook your attitude if you're still working on bad feelings from a prior rejection, as long as you don't act TOO nasty, and as long as you aren't (in their eyes) bad looking. So you get a chance to recover usually, more easily than a guy might, unless he's really hot stuff.
But I have met some women for whom rejection becomes a bad cycle that drags them down in the bigger sense, and those are usually ones who have serious underlying mental health problems, where it's rather clear they are looking for someone to cling to, lean on, and kinda suck the life out of. They do nothing but wallow in self pity nonstop. And even they do tend to eventually find a relationship...but it's usually a bad (often abusive) one.
EDIT: Also, that thing where the sting of one rejection makes a guy less likely to make a new attempt, out of fear or avoidance it could happen again...women I think struggle less with that since we're more often approached. But then we have the thing of, if a guy used us for sex once we might be gun shy about the next guy possibly being a player.
I've always wondered which was objectively worse...being rejected right out of the gate before you even get a chance, or being rejected when you had been intimate and started to attach your feelings to a person. Personally I'd rather be rejected upfront, than once I started to really care.
To me, I'd rather get rejected outright. I used to take surveys to make money. One of the worst frustrations is to spend 30 minutes to an hour on a survey, only to get to the end and have it tell you that you didn't qualify.
I'd rather a woman reject me outright if she doesn't feel that way about me as opposed to "giving me a chance". Sooner or later, she'll get tired of me and then all of this will come out how she never really liked me in that way. It would hurt much more to me than an outright rejection.
In general, boys (who become men) are not taught to experience a full range of emotions, and in fact are taught to deny some, like fear or disappointment or shame. When anger and lust are the only emotions some men feel safe expressing, we're asking for trouble.
That doesn't excuse any man's abhorrent behavior when he's rejected. That man is responsible for his actions, but if we want to reduce the # of times men are violent, toward women or otherwise, we might want to raise boys better than we do now. The impact of how we raise boys goes beyond how men react to rejection. It's effing criminal that we tell 8 or 10 year old boys to man up, and punish them when they don't comply by denying their emotion. Some of those boys become the men who do all kinds of damage, but I think it creates problems for most men.
Although we don't often restrict the range of emotions women can feel, we trivialize them and that leads to women engaging in all sorts of maladaptive responses that don't usually harm others. How amazing would it be if we actually helped kids identify what they're feeling and taught them effective ways to deal. We'd have fewer men harming themselves and others, and fewer women mostly harming themselves. Seems almost too simple.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
In general, boys (who become men) are not taught to experience a full range of emotions, and in fact are taught to deny some, like fear or disappointment or shame. When anger and lust are the only emotions some men feel safe expressing, we're asking for trouble. .
And this is what is meant by the "toxic masculinity" that is being taught to boys.
My father passed away when I was 10. I never witnessed any of my 4 siblings express rejection in anyway unbecoming. I wouldn't underestimate single mothers raising a handful of boys. I believe, mothers play a bigger role in a boys upbringing when it comes to interacting/behaving around women. Growing up, I heard the most ridiculous things coming out of my friends father's mouth's advising their sons how to deal with women Lol
I think it depends. Some can give bad advice, like treat the girl like a princess, bring her flowers on a first date etc and then the boy ends up friendzoned.
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Lol
