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Questioning what happened is my way of "caring." I care enough to wonder. So if you're thinking, you're automatically "unfeeling"?
LOL this is patent rationalization.
"I care enough to wonder ..." hahahaha ... please.
You're bypassing the human element of the moment and trying to get right to the gossip, and they are calling you out on it. They're trying to tell you to be tactful.
Don't try to act like you're the lone voice of reason in the comments section. People in that "community" you keep going back to are trying to tell you that they think your form of "caring" is out of line. Next time just throw in a tactful statement of empathy before you try to find out the dirt.
Curiosity isn't the same thing as compassion/empathy, though.
I mean, people who rubberneck at accidents, and little old ladies who sit on their police band scanners are all curious and want to understand things that happen, but that doesn't really have much to do with compassion or empathy. People who genuinely offer "thoughts and prayers" or similar are generally coming from the place of the latter.
Ask whom privately (when it's a news item, for instance)?
If something is put in the public realm, I don't have a problem wondering -- even aloud -- about what transpired and find such speculation interesting. I'm naturally curious and seek to understand how things happen; one question tends to lead to another. Call it my inner journalist. In an actual (as opposed to virtual) social circle, people would speculate among themselves or at least ask questions, especially if the story leaves questions unanswered. Why is it so taboo to also do so on social media? It's as if there's an unwritten rule, "Thoughts and prayers only!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Curiosity isn't the same thing as compassion/empathy, though.
Yep. It's unfortunate that this needs to be explained.
I've thought about this, too, because "my thoughts and prayers are with you" is just so ubiquitous. My thing is, how many people actually wind up thinking and praying about it? Thinking, more likely, but praying? How many people actually say a prayer for every sad event or story they come across on their news feeds or otherwise? It's just another basically meaningless thing people say, either to make themselves look nice or to try to make others feel better, or maybe both. But I mean, if you say "thoughts and prayers," really shouldn't you be thinking and praying? Why say it if you don't mean it?
I will sometimes say "my thoughts are with you" to someone I know, like on a social media post about something tragic in their lives. Because I know I won't pray, I'm not religious. I feel fake saying "my thoughts and prayers are with you," because it's a half-true statement. I have a hard time believing that everyone who says/writes it actually goes and prays. I think saying "my thoughts are with you" in an article, removing the prayers part, is probably better. It's a way of acknowledging sadness or tragedy, and the pain others must be feeling, there's no need for prayers on top of it unless one is actually religious and does pray about things.
But at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. It's supposed to be a nice thing people say or write. I often take supposedly nice things people say on the internet with a grain of salt.
I have a hard time believing that everyone who says/writes it actually goes and prays.
Sure, probably not everyone does. But just because you have not witnessed it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
It is very common in my area. I have friends who keep daily prayer lists and actually do pray for the people on those lists daily. I also know people who do stop and pray for the people they hear about in the news. I sometimes see people hold hands and pray before a meal in a restaurant. And this isn't just a Protestant thing. My Catholic school teachers told us to say a quick prayer whenever we hear a siren for the people who need that siren. And we did just that.
On the one hand, I'm kind of glad that people are calling out knee-jerk online reactions to tragedy by making an example of the phrase "thoughts and prayers" because people who claim to be believers are called on to do more than that.
But I think it's unfortunate that the phrase "thoughts and prayers" is now ridiculed by those who aren't religious. Trust me, there are worse things than having someone pray for you, and there are plenty of people who do take it seriously. It is not meaningless.
Of course, the comments section anywhere is far from a Utopian society anyway.
What prompts people to post this in response to (usually) a Facebook post, but also to online news articles? It seems to me if you want to "think" and "pray," you can do that without posting it for public consumption; my assumption would be that the victim of whatever tragedy is being recounted in the story isn't reading Facebook posts. Which brings me to part two: why are others attacked for asking perfectly intelligent, pertinent, and logical questions about the incident INSTEAD of just posting "thoughts and prayers" like everyone else?
This seems like an overly critical posting here. Why does this issue bother you? Why do someone feel the need to ask "perfectly intelligent, pertinent and logical questions" People are most likely going through something difficult. Let them dictate the tone and direction, there isn't any need to bug people with too many questions. You ain't writing a book. Let it go.
The world sucks at times, big time sometimes and saying something small like you're in my thoughts and prayers is a way to show some compassion and help people realize that others do indeed feel for them. That sense of community is something that can be important for some people.
How about we work on spreading good will versus nitpicking the minor details, shall we.
What prompts people to post this in response to (usually) a Facebook post, but also to online news articles? It seems to me if you want to "think" and "pray," you can do that without posting it for public consumption; my assumption would be that the victim of whatever tragedy is being recounted in the story isn't reading Facebook posts. Which brings me to part two: why are others attacked for asking perfectly intelligent, pertinent, and logical questions about the incident INSTEAD of just posting "thoughts and prayers" like everyone else?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
This seems like an overly critical posting here. Why does this issue bother you? Why do someone feel the need to ask "perfectly intelligent, pertinent and logical questions" People are most likely going through something difficult. Let them dictate the tone and direction, there isn't any need to bug people with too many questions. You ain't writing a book. Let it go.
The world sucks at times, big time sometimes and saying something small like you're in my thoughts and prayers is a way to show some compassion and help people realize that others do indeed feel for them. That sense of community is something that can be important for some people.
How about we work on spreading good will versus nitpicking the minor details, shall we.
I agree with Chowhound's post. A few years ago, my father died. I put it on Facebook because I was in no shape to be calling people and I had no other family to help out. I deliberately did not post details because i did not want to talk about it. 99% of the responses were "thoughts and prayers" type comments. It's not about being sheep, it's just a way to acknowlegde that someone is hurting and you care. I appreciated every such response. I'm not religious and I didn't care if they actually prayed or not, that just doesn't matter. There is nothing anyone can say to change that someone is in terrible pain, there are no magic words. All you can do is let them know you are thinking of them and their pain matters to you. "Thoughts and prayers" accomplishes this. It's not supposed to be fancy or stand out, it doesn't matter if it seems trite, it's just a basic acknowledgment that you understand that someone is hurting.
I specifically did not include any details of what happened in the post because he had committed suicide and at that point, I was in no shape to even think about it, let alone talk about it and have to answer questions and explain it to people. One person did ask me what happened and I resented being put on the spot like that. I ended up just ignoring her but I was frustrated that someone felt the need to ask. I would have given more info if I had wished to share the details. Over time, I called people in person to explain more when I felt ready to talk about it.
I hate that phrase as it's so overdone and I consider it almost without real feeling behind it.
No one ever says "prayers and thoughts".
I try to think of a more personal way to convey my condolences.
I've experienced the loss of my entire family while still quite young, so I've heard a lot of condolences over the years. I always appreciate a simple "my thoughts and prayers are with you." It can be fine to try to express something more personal but sometimes when people do this it can come off as being more about them than the person in pain. I've had people inadvertently say the wrong thing. I knew they meant well and would never hold it against anyone but keeping it basic is an easy way to avoid doing this.
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Why say it if you don't mean it? 
