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Old 11-16-2017, 06:36 AM
 
Location: USA
1,381 posts, read 1,762,442 times
Reputation: 1542

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My wife and I are both 32. In the last two or three years, most of our married friends and acquaintances (all of whom are around our age) have had kids.

It's left me feeling as if we're falling a little behind.

My wife is a middle school teacher. After dealing with those unruly kids all day, she wants nothing more than to come home and unwind. (Someone at a kid's party we went to recently said that teaching is the best form of birth control.) I have a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful.

Interestingly, my wife and I seem to be going in different directions as far as having kids. I was ambivalent at one point and she couldn't wait to have them. Now I'm the one who seems more interested in having children. I often ask her if seeing pictures of our friends with their babies gives her something of an itch to have one, but she says no -- at least not yet.

Aside from her stressful job, she says she doesn't feel she's ready. She wants to lose weight and get healthier (she takes meds for high blood pressure, thyroid, and PCOS). She is also trying to pay down her sizeable debt, which I'm helping her do.

She estimates she'll feel more comfortable -- financially and health-wise -- to start trying in the next year or so. She is conscious of the fact she isn't getting any younger and has expressed that, given her age and health issues, she's not entirely sure if she'll even be able to get pregnant.

I can't shake off this nagging feeling that everyone is moving on to that next stage of starting a family while we're stuck in "married without kids" land.

I know that people have their own lives and I shouldn't care about what others are doing. It's just hard when you get invited to family get-togethers where you're the only child-free couple and are asked if children are on the horizon.

Society makes you feel as though you're failing somehow. The last thing I want to do, however, is put pressure on my wife. That wouldn't be fair to her.

Last edited by Wordsmith12; 11-16-2017 at 07:42 AM..
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Old 11-16-2017, 07:30 AM
 
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
44,308 posts, read 80,598,350 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12 View Post
My wife and I are both 32. In the last two or three years, most of our married friends and acquaintances (all of whom are around our age) have had kids.

It's left me feeling as if we're falling a little behind.

My wife is a middle school teacher. After dealing with those unruly kids all day, she wants nothing more than to come home and unwind. (Someone at a kid's party we went to recently said that teaching is the best form of birth control.) I have a regular 9-5 job that isn't too stressful.

Interestingly, my wife and I seem to be going in different directions as far as having kids. I was ambivalent at one point and she couldn't wait to have them. Now I'm the one who seems more interested in having children. I often ask her if seeing pictures of our friends with their babies gives her something of an itch to have one, but she says no -- at least not yet.

Aside from her stressful job, she says she doesn't feel she's ready. She wants to lose weight and get into better health (she takes meds for high blood pressure, thyroid, and PCOS). She is also trying to pay down her sizeable debt, which I'm helping her do.

She estimates she'll feel more comfortable -- financially and health-wise -- to start trying in the next year or so. She is conscious of the fact she isn't getting any younger and has expressed that, given her age and health issues, she's not entirely sure if she'll even be able to get pregnant.

I can't shake off this nagging feeling that everyone is moving on to that next stage of starting a family while we're stuck in "married without kids" land.

I know that people have their own lives and I shouldn't care about what others are doing. It's just hard when you get invited to family get-togethers where you're the only child-free couple and are asked if children are on the horizon.

Society makes you feel as though you're failing somehow. The last thing I want to do, however, is put pressure on my wife. That wouldn't be fair to her.
I'm glad you have that attitude! It's unfortunate that family and friends, especially those with kids are so pushy about you having them. It's difficult to balance "being ready" with the ticking clock. As she gets older there are more risks but I do know people that have waited to mid-late 30s and had no problems.
If she is saying "next year or so" just wait until then and approach again. My suggestion is at that time talking to a doctor about her health and possible pregnancy then a discussion resulting in a plan or decision to not do it at all. We had 3, and one thing I learned is that you cannot tell anyone what it's like to have a kid. It's something that has to be experienced to understand, and people that don't have them won't know what they are missing.
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Old 11-16-2017, 07:44 AM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,921 posts, read 31,054,582 times
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True, you may very well be technically behind when most people have children, but each couple's needs and situation are different.

The economy really put pressure on a lot of couples our age. I graduated college at 24 (my fault) and didn't get my first "real" career-track job until I was a month from turning 28 (not really my fault). I had done three moves over 400 miles each between when I graduated college and when I turned 28. My student loans were paid off by then, but many people are graduating school later, have student loans, the economy was bad for years, etc. I'm 31 now and I'm about where I thought I'd be at 26-27 had someone asked me when I was 20 before the economy crumbled.

I wouldn't say the issue is urgent at 32, but once you hit 35 or so, you get into that "advanced maternal age" category. Doesn't necessarily mean there will be problems, but fertility and the risk of birth defects, etc., start increasing. She has time to make the health/financial changes, but it's not like she's 25 and has years to beat around the bush either.

I've never had any desire to have children, and I can definitely see where teaching (especially if it's at a disadvantaged school) could actually turn you off from wanting them. Let's face it - public schools have to accept anyone that comes through the doors, including children that came from bad backgrounds and have behavioral or other issues. If you're seeing a lot of the "problem children," yeah, you might not want your own. It's like "I work in IT and I see enough computer problems at work, so I don't want to come home and deal with more computer issues."

You've posted thread after thread about frustrations with your wife. If not having children is a showstopper for you, you really need to make that clear to her. She deserves to not be pressured into having children if she doesn't really want them. You deserve to have a wife that wants children as well. Do you two divide money up into "his" and "hers?" You've posted about the debt before. Rather than seeing it as just her problem for her to pay off, you really need to knock it out together if you're truly committed to the marriage.

All the posts I've seen are quite critical of your wife and ultimately it seems like you're on here daydreaming and ultimately want out.
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Old 11-16-2017, 07:58 AM
 
Location: USA
1,381 posts, read 1,762,442 times
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Originally Posted by Hemlock140 View Post
My suggestion is at that time talking to a doctor about her health and possible pregnancy then a discussion resulting in a plan or decision to not do it at all.
She sees her gynecologist and endocrinologist every couple of months. They've told her the only thing she really needs to do is lose some weight, which would probably help with the blood pressure, thyroid, and PCOS.

She started a diet not so long ago but had trouble staying on it because this school year has been unusually stressful.

In a way, I understand her viewpoint. Must be difficult dealing with those kids every day; I know I don't have what it takes to be in that profession. I suppose she's not exactly thrilled at the thought of coming home and tending to another child when she's so physically and mentally drained.
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Old 11-16-2017, 08:07 AM
 
Location: USA
1,381 posts, read 1,762,442 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post

All the posts I've seen are quite critical of your wife and ultimately it seems like you're on here daydreaming and ultimately want out.
I don't want out. I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. Yes, I have been critical about certain things, but I'm trying to change my ways.

Deep down she does want to have a child. Years ago, when I was not sure if I even wanted any, she became really upset.

Even though I still have some concerns (who doesn't?), I'm solidly in the "let's do it" camp now. Guess we'll just have to leave it in God's hands.
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Old 11-16-2017, 08:23 AM
 
Location: USA
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My wife once told me that in the event she couldn't get pregnant, she would understand if I wanted to leave her and start a family with someone else, as much as it would break her heart. She said she wouldn't force me to stay if having kids meant that much to me because it just wouldn't be fair.

This made me really sad. I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with her. We've been together for over 12 years. I've always told her that her health is more important than anything else.
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Old 11-16-2017, 08:29 AM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,921 posts, read 31,054,582 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12 View Post
I don't want out. I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. Yes, I have been critical about certain things, but I'm trying to change my ways.

Deep down she does want to have a child. Years ago, when I was not sure if I even wanted any, she became really upset.

Even though I still have some concerns (who doesn't?), I'm solidly in the "let's do it" camp now. Guess we'll just have to leave it in God's hands.
One thing I always thought about it is the longer you wait, the older you are when that child becomes an adult and the less time you have with your grandchildren.

3/4 my grandparents are still alive in my 30s. The only one that is dead died in 2009 when I was 23. While I've never been close to my dad's parents, it was a blessing having my mother's parents around as long as I did. I went out to eat with grandma yesterday. Not too many people our ages can do that.

If you're 35 when the child is born, you're going to be 57 when that child graduates college and 53 when they graduate high school. By 57, many people are in the final push for retirement.

I have an uncle who had his kids at 40 and 44. He's 62 and has one just starting college. The older one is also being supported financially. He'll be 66 when the youngest graduates. He may very well be in his 70s before there any grandchildren.

More than half the marriages I know of with kids among people our age seem really stressed. Sometimes the marriage blows up because of the kids - the couple can't spend as much "couple time" together because of childcare, sex suffers, maybe they can't do the things they used to enjoy, etc. Kids bring added financial strain. Just the chore of being up with a crying child all night while trying to work full time is tough.
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Old 11-16-2017, 08:43 AM
 
Location: USA
1,381 posts, read 1,762,442 times
Reputation: 1542
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post

More than half the marriages I know of with kids among people our age seem really stressed. Sometimes the marriage blows up because of the kids - the couple can't spend as much "couple time" together because of childcare, sex suffers, maybe they can't do the things they used to enjoy, etc. Kids bring added financial strain. Just the chore of being up with a crying child all night while trying to work full time is tough.
These are all valid concerns I had when I was on the other side of the fence. I still think about these things to a certain degree. I'm sure having a child will greatly enhance our marriage in myriad ways. Yet, I know we'll face challenges along the way. Many say parenting is the hardest job there is.
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Old 11-16-2017, 09:44 AM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,921 posts, read 31,054,582 times
Reputation: 47302
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12 View Post
My wife once told me that in the event she couldn't get pregnant, she would understand if I wanted to leave her and start a family with someone else, as much as it would break her heart. She said she wouldn't force me to stay if having kids meant that much to me because it just wouldn't be fair.

This made me really sad. I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life with her. We've been together for over 12 years. I've always told her that her health is more important than anything else.
Sometimes things don't happen whenever you think they will. I wouldn't concern myself with worrying about the "schedule" that others seem to be on. I wouldn't be waiting another ten years, but two years to straighten out the finances/health isn't unreasonable.
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Old 11-16-2017, 11:15 AM
DKM
 
Location: California
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Nothing wrong with pushing a little bit if you both know you want to have them eventually. She might be looking for you to show you are all in with helping her through it. You're never truly ready because you learn to be a parent as you go.
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