Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-05-2017, 05:19 AM
 
Location: West Seattle
6,378 posts, read 5,002,937 times
Reputation: 8453

Advertisements

I've noticed in a couple polls on a Facebook group I'm in that ask about which of your parents you like more, most people voted for their moms.

This was not with a tiny sample size, but it might be influenced by the fact that this group is centered around an interest many fathers might have seen as impractical growing up (foreign languages) and also one that attracts a lot of LGBTQIA+ members, which are both things that mothers might be more tolerant toward on average.

A couple comments on those polls, though, said something to the effect of "don't people in general like their mom more?" As someone who definitely likes his dad more (my mom was much more rigid and unsympathetic - though that likely has to do with her being abused growing up), it surprised me, and I can't really find any data online to confirm or refute the idea.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-05-2017, 07:04 AM
 
14,375 posts, read 18,374,578 times
Reputation: 43059
It would make sense - moms and their offspring tend to spend more time building those oxytocin bonds. I suspect that will change in the future - my hypermasculine male cousin spent a lot more time with his kids than the average dad when they were growing up, and I've noticed they turn to him for comfort just as much as they turn to their mother. He's worked very hard to cultivate close bonds with them, and that's becoming much more common. My dad was an older dad, and he had more time to spend with me when I was a kid, so we developed a seriously close bond.

However, my mother basically destroyed that early bond between us - as I've learned more about the brain and the foundations of affection, I've realized that her unstable personality and temper made her a source of stress and anxiety rather than security. There's no oxytocin bond left between us. I'm in my 40s and when I leave her presence, I mainly feel a sense of relief.

So my thought is that moms have an edge over dads, but other factors matter more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2017, 07:48 AM
 
14,078 posts, read 16,611,637 times
Reputation: 17654
I spend more time with my mom and talk to her more often, but I wouldn’t say that I like her more. My dad is easier to talk to and he isn’t critical and negative like my mom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2017, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,016 posts, read 20,907,290 times
Reputation: 32530
Families are so different one from the other that I wonder how it's even possible to generalize about this topic. A Facebook page catering to LGBT's is hardly an example of any sort of cross-section of any population except the LGBT population.


There is traditional wisdom that daughters tend to retain strong bonds with their mothers, which seems to me correct, but I have no proof of it.


I liked my mother more than my father during childhood, but them during adolescence it become more and more clear to me that my mother was mentally ill and that she purposely manipulated situations so as to have my father lose his temper so that she could appear to be the loving one. During the rest of my life I enjoyed spending time with my father more than with my mother, although I was not especially close to either.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2017, 02:11 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,400 posts, read 6,370,179 times
Reputation: 9636
Every family and parent-child relationship is different. There are a lot of factors at play. I've had these talks with my husband. He was closer to his mother because she was the primary caregiver and home more. His dad traveled a lot, and as my husband approached his teen years, he started drinking more and was an alcoholic and more critical of my husband. He was closer to his mom, but not super close by any means. He's explained that his parents didn't quite "get" him during his youth and adolescence, and even struggled to understand his personality as an adult. His parents are extroverted. My husband is introverted. His dad expected him to like and do the more "guy" or manly things like work on cars and build/fix stuff (handyman), but my husband preferred to build things, electronics, comics, read, draw, write, and so forth. He was into things that his parents didn't quite relate to.

I was very close to both parents when I was growing up, though lived with my mother and have very similar personalities (introverted, mild-mannered, quiet). I was an only child for many years and both treated me like a friend in the way they exposed me to things. I went to work with them, they introduced me to their interests like music, films, books, musicals, plays, etc. We didn't just do "kid" things, they included me in their interests and daily activities. I went with them to run errands, shopping, visited friends, etc. I felt included and not just a tag along. My parents are huge movie buffs and love sci-fi, fantasy, action-adventure, suspense, horror (my mom), and shared these interests with me at a young age. We went to the movies and drive-in often. My dad took me to amusement and water parks.

But outside of doing things, we had fun talks, even about "real" things that people deal with in life, shared their experiences, life stories, struggles, etc. I wasn't shielded from reality. I was included in conversations. Both were open and affectionate. My father really wanted a daughter. It was his father's dying wish. So my father doted on me, but was also the pragmatic type and had expectations and was strict in various ways.

So I was pretty close with both growing up. I'm much closer to my mother now. We're a lot alike and like best friends. We just get each other. My older kids are closer to me because I was/am their primary caregiver and their father was away for long periods of time and lives far away now. If the dynamic were different I'm sure they'd be close to him as well. They're pretty close to my now-husband who is practically a part time SAHD. His flexible schedule allows him to be very involved and available, and his personality (introverted, mild-mannered, fun-loving, quirky, loving, nerdy/geeky, affectionate, warm, etc.) is one the kids can relate to because they share similar traits. He's not distant, authoritarian or stoic. He actually takes interest in and engages the kids in a genuine way (not just pressuring them to do x, y and z or living vicariously through them). Our three year old is super close to her dad. They're best buds. She practically goes everywhere with him and loves when he comes home. He gets on her level and engages her and "gets" her and her needs. They're adorable. They have a close very tight bond and one I think will remain close as she matures.

There's a certain dynamic I strive for in my/our relationship with the kids, and it's one rooted in compassion, open and genuine interactions, quality time, engaging conversation (not just the usual parent-child talks), and an understanding of their unique and individual personalities, stage of development, quirks, interests, temperament, needs, and so forth.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2017, 07:13 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,650 posts, read 60,925,505 times
Reputation: 101083
I was always closer to my dad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2017, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,576,256 times
Reputation: 53073
I'm not sure that it empirically bears out.

It's pretty clear that, at least in Western culture in general, time spent with mothers doing the majority of the hands-on parenting is greater than that spent with fathers doing the same thing, though that's beginning to shift a little in contemporary culture. Still, overall, I don't think we're to the point where fathers, overall, are available for an overall heightened amount of hands-on parenting that eclipses what mothers are putting in, timewise.

That said, time doesn't necessarily equal quality, and it doesn't necessarily equal emotional closeness. You don't always bond the most with the parent with whom you spend the most time. There are too many other variables at play, as others have noted. A lot is just going to depend on personal compatibility, behavioral traits, needs of the child and how they are met, and, in keeping with family systems theory, a lot of how one relates to one's own children depends on one's experience with one's family of origin.

Also, degree of closeness can ebb and flow in life. One might feel closer to a particular parent at a particular stage of life, and less close at other stages. My husband became far more close to his father in adulthood, because he was largely absent as a parental force during my husband's childhood and teen years, due to a career that demanded near constant attention. My FIL, too, had been raised in a single-parent home (in the 50s, when this was more of an anomaly), with no father in the picture ever in his memory, and was mostly raised by a slightly older brother, in terms of nurturing and guidance, so he didn't really have much to go on, in terms of anybody modeling a typical parenting relationship. That definitely affected how he approached parenting.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2017, 10:45 AM
 
Location: PNW
3,071 posts, read 1,682,055 times
Reputation: 10228
Not the case for me, I'm afraid. I liked my father a lot more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2017, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,073 posts, read 11,859,243 times
Reputation: 30347
Me too...much more...



[/b]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luckystrike1 View Post
Not the case for me, I'm afraid. I liked my father a lot more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2017, 01:19 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,764 posts, read 19,972,298 times
Reputation: 43163
I like my father a lot more even though my mom was a SAHM. It is not all about how much time you spend with someone IMO but how you get treated and connect. My dad doesnt talk that much but we connect better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:17 PM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top