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We carry our parents' subconscious influence with us day in and day out, from place to place, regardless of what kind of relationship we had. I suspect that your mother is still having a large say-so in how you go about your days, whether you are even aware of it or not.
Our parents typically have the most influence over us during our formative years. And your subconscious mind contains all the beliefs you have about your self and about the world you live in. It is in charge of the thoughts you have, the decisions you make, and how you feel about yourself and those decisions.
So .... it is logical that this person, whose approval you no doubt sought strongly, would still have a powerful influence over what you do and how you feel about it ... which would help explain why you're having all these doubts.
It has occurred to me recently that while I've always been proud of my presumed intelligence and accomplishments, it may be a delusion on my part. What If I'm not actually a smart person but instead, average to dumb, without realizing this truth.
I even googled this and apparently this is a common concern, with many such posts on various public forums, followed by long threads in response.
When you approach the end of your life (I'll be 68 this summer) it is time to evaluate. Poor business success (barely keeping my head above water), poor personal relationships, not much in the way of success aside from a couple of university degrees, a small business that is not doing particularly well, and publications which do not sell and nobody cares about.
I'm depressed about all of this; some of it might be attributed to circumstances outside of my control, but mostly, my own shortcomings, I think.
No one can change the past and we all have shortcomings so assuming we do something evil there's no need to beat ourselves up over what happened in the past.
If you feel down because of it, I would look into self-help or counseling and quickly move onto so other material or counselors if things don't resonate. My own experience is that most won't, but a few that do will be life changing.
This sounds like a big personal breakthrough to me a great opportunity for improving your life. You seem to be more self-aware and I bet your life (especially relationships and business success if you still work) are going to benefit from it.
It *is* a big personal breakthrough; odd that it happened on a thread on CityData. Just sad that it had to happen this late in life and not, say, in my 20's. Or later. But 67? Seems a little late to do something with it.
At the end of her life she refused to even acknowledge me, though I took care of her for two years. I visited her in the hospital toward the end but she wouldn't acknowledge my presence. She also made sure my only brother had a head full of religious bs, positing me as the bad guy, the one "who turned against everything she ever tried to teach me." I was punished, in other words, for thinking for myself. There are plenty of people who share her perspective.
I always thought it was because she had unresolved issues with her sister.
Mothers, wives and in-laws (and sometimes "steps"). Can't live with them....or without them
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153
It *is* a big personal breakthrough; odd that it happened on a thread on CityData. Just sad that it had to happen this late in life and not, say, in my 20's. Or later. But 67? Seems a little late to do something with it.
At the end of her life she refused to even acknowledge me, though I took care of her for two years. I visited her in the hospital toward the end but she wouldn't acknowledge my presence. She also made sure my only brother had a head full of religious bs, positing me as the bad guy, the one "who turned against everything she ever tried to teach me." I was punished, in other words, for thinking for myself. There are plenty of people who share her perspective.
I always thought it was because she had unresolved issues with her sister.
Someone asked how I did in school, and I blurted out the stuff, above. How embarrassing. This is why people don't like me; I'm so full of myself I leave no room for anyone else.
What are you supposed to say? Pretend that you were held back for being slow? I do make a joke about it. I was pulled out of kindergarten and put in first grade. I say that is why I never learned to color within the lines!
You're probably right. Like, she used to comb and braid my long hair before school, and it really, really hurt. She was literally pulling my hair out and I think she enjoyed it. But she was clever, and she only did things to a certain level but stopped at the point before which SHE would get into trouble.
She also had a terror of mental health facilities.
Anyway, dad made her stop with the hair thing. I ran away from home once and saw a therapist who said my parents were "peace at any price" people. In other words, pretend like everything is fine and the problems will go away.
I rather doubt your mother was trying to hurt you when she combed and braided your hair. Tight braids sometimes mean having your eyes pulled back, but it's not really a painful experience intended to cause harm. It's about a mom making sure that her child is neat and tidy.
Try the glass-half-full view of life. It leads to inner peace.
I've pondered these sorta thoughts to some degree, I imagine most people take inventory of their lives at some point and wonder about themselves in all aspects, not just intelligence or lack there of. I think the OP might be being a tad harsh on themselves. We all have some ups and downs in life, no one gets out without screwing something up or wishing you'd done something different, whatever that may be.
I'm later 40's and up to this point I've checked all of the typical milestones for my peer group. Went to college, started a career in a respectable industry, bought a home and have been in a very long LTR. I'm going to start a new chapter in my life beginning next year. Starting a new position within the industry I was working in. This position will require a decent amount of learning but my skill set I have has a lot of transferable skills.
I think that sometimes we tend to over-think things at times. I think working on just being in the present moment and not having our heads in the past or in the future is a good thing. We can visit those places when we need to for practical purposes, but again just smelling the flowers as it were is where we should aim for.
To the OP be glad you done the things you've done. It shows that you're engaging life around you. Not being as successful as you wanted to be I can see it being a bit troublesome but don't spend too much energy on it. Explore your passions and live and focusing on being, whatever form that may take for you.
Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack in life.
>> Try the glass-half-full view of life. It leads to inner peace.
Not if it's delusional.
When it comes to your mother taking the time each morning to sit with you and braid your hair, it is not delusional to understand that she probably had the best intentions. To view the experience as purely abusive is unusual. Take five minutes to sit with a long haired child, put the hair in a tight braid, and you will be told that it hurt. That's life.
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Mothers, wives and in-laws (and sometimes "steps"). Can't live with them....or without them
