Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was estranged from my child by the child's mother. The child is now an adult.
Many people *say* that I will hear from my child at some point when he becomes an adult. I think that is misguided, fairy tale, or even malicious advice.
I am exposed to several fathers in the 50's and 60's and they all have the same story. They never hear from their kids and attempts to reach out have been in vain.
The same thing happened to my mother. She has spent her whole life trying to have her son show interest in her after being estranged from him. She is now in her 70's and is now just beginning to notice that her efforts have yielded in no fruition.
To me, it seems that society today is cold and has ostracism down to a science perhaps even delighting in causing others pain.
As for me, I'll put in a bit of effort (much as I did when my son was a child), but I like to let it go at some point.
My folks are very adamant that I'll hear from my son one day. I don't get that perspective. I find it easier to forget about someone who wants nothing to do with me. After 10's of thousands of days with my son being on my mind, his existence doesn't cross my mind anymore.
I focus on my current family with little effort at this point.
I still find myself demonized for this perspective.
I am estranged from my mother and have been for many years. Quite some time ago, I felt guilty enough about this to attempt to re-establish contact. We did indeed connect and I traveled to her city to visit her. Well, of all the emotions I imagined myself feeling upon seeing her again, the one that I actually felt was one I had never anticipated: indifference. "It" just wasn't there. We had a pleasant visit, but it simply felt like I was talking to someone I had once known and happened to run into again, years later.
This took place in 1996. I haven't seen or heard from her since.
My point in telling this story is simply this: don't expect to pick up where you left off. The flame of emotional attachment can burn dim and die out, and sometimes it can't be rekindled.
I am estranged from my mother and have been for many years. Quite some time ago, I felt guilty enough about this to attempt to re-establish contact. We did indeed connect and I traveled to her city to visit her. Well, of all the emotions I imagined myself feeling upon seeing her again, the one that I actually felt was one I had never anticipated: indifference. "It" just wasn't there. We had a pleasant visit, but it simply felt like I was talking to someone I had once known and happened to run into again, years later.
This took place in 1996. I haven't seen or heard from her since.
My point in telling this story is simply this: don't expect to pick up where you left off. The flame of emotional attachment can burn dim and die out, and sometimes it can't be rekindled.
Wow, thanks for that. Indifference can work in both directions I see. Thank you for sharing of time here. Thanks for another possibility in the crystal ball.
Wondering if my son will even know where I am if he decides to come around. I am fairly likely to be FAR FAR away by then.
He is enough on your mind that you were motivated to make a post about him. That is a pretty good indicator that his existence does indeed cross your mind (and it isn't unusual that it would).
It is hard to say whether or not efforts to reach out to kids one is estranged from will be in vain, and it is hard to predict the future. Much depends on the nature of the estrangement, the length of it, many contributing factors.
He is enough on your mind that you were motivated to make a post about him. That is a pretty good indicator that his existence does indeed cross your mind (and it isn't unusual that it would).
It is hard to say whether or not efforts to reach out to kids one is estranged from will be in vain, and it is hard to predict the future. Much depends on the nature of the estrangement, the length of it, many contributing factors.
True, it is more of a passing thing though. Thinking of him is more of a habit that was necessary. I had to keep an eye on his social media for legal reasons beyond the scope of this post.
Nature of estrangement, that is a valid point. It doesn't require much behind the black iron curtain.
My speculation in the absence of any hard data in simple terms:
"I don't like your dad, you can't contact him."
I am more thinking along the terms of whether or not I will hear from my son again not the other way around.
It really isn't reasonable for me to try and reach out to my son if he still lives at the source of the poisoning and will probably do so for a long long time.
I am really trying to uncover whether it's likely. The other poster has shown it is possible...but as you said it depends on the circumstances.
I think you summed it up well in one of your other posts:
"Circular anxiety over things you can't really affect or change can be a useless, destructive emotion."
"Hope can be a dangerous thing when there generally is no hope" would be another way to put it.
there will always be a hole in your heart because it's a loss to grieve over, but it's a living loss. Having said that we learn to live with our losses and get on with life. There is nothing more you can do, you have no control over this, only the estranger. has. You can keep the door open and that's it.
I'd say get on with life and stop beating yourself up over this, Parental alienation is extremely powerful force that you can never win, even if as a child wanted so much to reach out, as an adult the power of PAS is strong.
As for your parents, perhaps you can guide them away from the subject when they bring it up and stop discussing it with them. If they can't, then suggest your mother join a online support group for estranged grandparents so that she can get support and discuss it.
there will always be a hole in your heart because it's a loss to grieve over, but it's a living loss. Having said that we learn to live with our losses and get on with life. There is nothing more you can do, you have no control over this, only the estranger. has. You can keep the door open and that's it.
I'd say get on with life and stop beating yourself up over this, Parental alienation is extremely powerful force that you can never win, even if as a child wanted so much to reach out, as an adult the power of PAS is strong.
As for your parents, perhaps you can guide them away from the subject when they bring it up and stop discussing it with them. If they can't, then suggest your mother join a online support group for estranged grandparents so that she can get support and discuss it.
Well put. Actually the estranger lets my parents see my son when they feel like it so that my parents come back and tell me all about the experience I can't have.
PAS is a powerful force, you are correct. I stopped observing the granularities of PAS when I realized I had to be a millionaire to do anything about it and would still likely hit a brick wall.
I do REALLY get your point though.
Not beating myself up at all. I know that I did the best I could within reason. Hundreds of documents to prove it.
The thing is, I HONESTLY have no HOLE in my heart that I can find over the matter. The system did a great job in turning me into one cold bastard with respect to that situation.
All three of my children isolated from me during the divorce. My daughters married and never notified me. My eldest sent a wedding notice to my dad. He was ex-military and was divorced by my mother when I was 7 years old and mom prevented any contact for many years. Dad knew how to track her down since her husband was Navy. He wrote and explained that was a bad deal all around. We made contact and are in communication since then.
Her younger sister has never resumed contact. Their brother, the youngest of the lot, never did make contact and committed suicide a few years later.
The eldest daughter divorced and later remarried a man she met on the internet who turned out to be a fine guy. We do calls, cards, and occasional visits. She understands better these days.
I have never figured it all out. Good luck with your struggle.
there will always be a hole in your heart because it's a loss to grieve over, but it's a living loss. Having said that we learn to live with our losses and get on with life. There is nothing more you can do, you have no control over this, only the estranger. has. You can keep the door open and that's it.
I'd say get on with life and stop beating yourself up over this, Parental alienation is extremely powerful force that you can never win, even if as a child wanted so much to reach out, as an adult the power of PAS is strong.
As for your parents, perhaps you can guide them away from the subject when they bring it up and stop discussing it with them. If they can't, then suggest your mother join a online support group for estranged grandparents so that she can get support and discuss it.
All three of my children isolated from me during the divorce. My daughters married and never notified me. My eldest sent a wedding notice to my dad. He was ex-military and was divorced by my mother when I was 7 years old and mom prevented any contact for many years. Dad knew how to track her down since her husband was Navy. He wrote and explained that was a bad deal all around. We made contact and are in communication since then.
Her younger sister has never resumed contact. Their brother, the youngest of the lot, never did make contact and committed suicide a few years later.
The eldest daughter divorced and later remarried a man she met on the internet who turned out to be a fine guy. We do calls, cards, and occasional visits. She understands better these days.
I have never figured it all out. Good luck with your struggle.
Your post is DEEP.
I used to want to figure it out every day. Now it's just every once in a while. I am ostracized by most of my biological family too....largely since birth.
It's amazing how people (many of which outwardly lack other apparent abilities) can easily pull the switch on you without a word for life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
