Attitudes of some re domestic violence (woman, husband, abusive, adult)

[mondayafternoons]

After being in a ltr of domestic violence recently that I'll talk about later, it led me to see some disturbing attitudes and beliefs (of some, not all) on women who are in a dv relationship. Just curious to know what cd posters are aware of or experienced directly or indirectly from for example a family member or friend?

[AnywhereElse]

Not sure what you are really wanting. Perhaps expand on "some disturbing attitudes and beliefs" as to clarify where you are coming from on this.

[Sand&Salt]

I had to change my attitude on the subject once it happened to me. I was very judgmental on why doesn't the woman just leave?


When it happened to me---just one time---I was "stuck". I had a couple horses but no trailer or truck to run away with. I didn't even have kids, but suddenly understood the "being stuck" situation. Also, no money to speak of.


I left in a dramatic fashion when it happened, but ended up coming back due to the horses. I did eventually leave though; just took awhile. Had to get some family support. He never did it again.


It's really hard to grasp until you've "been there". But you've GOT TO make plans to get away, asap!

[Sonic_Spork]

I tell people it's a little like smoking, in a way, or some other sort of destructive life behavior...you know you need to stop, everyone has told you, "just stop"...but it's not that simple. I think that in addition to the fact that domestic violence survivors often have life logistics that make it difficult to simply leave, there may be a stress response that makes it harder to take action. Or I guess it also can be part of the accompanying psychological gaslighting that often comes with abusive relationships. But I found it very scary, the idea of trusting my own capabilities as an adult, to be independent, and trusting my own choices and perceptions, basically having faith in myself enough to part ways with my abuser. I was full of fear, and fear of the "what if's"...like what if I left and he still came after me? (In fact, I did, and he still might. It's a risk I have to just accept.) For one thing, I felt if I was still living with him, I could watch him and know what he was doing. And even though he was being awful to me (and to our sons) I had been with him for 18 years. That is a long time. And not all of it was bad...not all of HIM was bad...we'd had a lot of good in there, too. And I was also very much laboring under the belief that being "selfish" made me a bad person...and so I had to put the needs of others first. That included the needs of my husband, and the concept of the intact family. I couldn't be one of "those people" who gives up and gets divorced because she's "not happy."

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Honestly it comes off as this victim blaming thing, this need to be able to say that if something bad happens to someone, it must be because they deserve it. This allows someone to not only feel righteous and superior, but also somewhat safe. "This bad thing could never happen to me, because I don't make bad choices and would never allow it." No sympathy, no compassion, just some kind of rationale to justify how the world makes sense because bad things only happen to people who for some reason deserve them. Unfortunately, that just isn't how the world actually works. And this attitude is never helpful to someone who is struggling with some sort of a hardship like this.

So to those who are not in DV situations, and never have been, I'd suggest if you ever have a friend or loved one who is, try not to be judgmental of them for the situation they are in. Try not to get too frustrated. Be supportive, continue to encourage them to find a way out, and listen. Maybe even document the things they tell you, in case they ever need a body of evidence or a record of events, if you really want to help. But don't be hard on them when they don't simple pick up and escape. They can only do this when they are strong enough to.

[hopefulone]

I was once in a domestic violence situation years ago but I will never forget it. When my dad found out about what went on his response was "well she let it happen"

There was never any kind of empathy or blame placed on the guy who abused me. The reason is because my dad is an abuser himself and I am not going to get into the long story of telling of his abuse. In his eyes if a woman is raped, hit or smacked around its because she allowed it. It is never because the guy is a jerk or should know how to treat others with respect.

I got tons of support and actual caring responses from other people which really helped alot.