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I honestly worried it would wear off on her and she'd pick up the habit. Thank God she didn't. There was just so much drug abuse and chaos on his side and I'm relieved we can be at peace now. I'm giving all of your comments a lot of thought. She wants me to attend and it seems to be the right thing to do. It's tricky because obviously his two daughters will be there and we don't get along, but I figure I don't have to interact with them. It's not what I feel in my heart but like you guys said, maybe it shouldn't be about my feelings right now. She is a complete mess, where I have literally never seen her fall apart like she is now... the holidays are compounding things I think and making it all a bit too much.
Quit being a high school drama queen. Put your big girl panties on! Go to the funeral and support your mother. You don't have to say anything more than sorry for your loss the his daughters. People who don't get along don't have to interact at funerals. Pay your respects and leave it at that. They're not going to be worrying about you and being petty. They lost their dad and are there to celebrate his life. They're not there to celebrate you.
I don't think you need to attend the funeral. Only if your mother really wants you to attend with her, should you consider attending.
Agree. You shouldn't feel bad. Your mom knows you didn't like the free loader and both of you didn't get along, hence she shouldn't expect you to attend.
So long story short- my mom starting dating a man from the rougher section of town about 5 years ago. She was better looking than him (by far), wealthier (by far), in general above his league. They still continued to date despite everyone (me included) telling her she could do better. Her financial advisor, a person who has been a family friend since I was a child walked away and refused to keep her as a client. She lost multiple friends. By the 3rd year of dating he sold his house (a polite word for shack) and moved in with her, despite them being not married. I wanted her to be happy but always had a bad feeling about the whole thing, very early on. I saw all the red flags but figured it was her business and I should butt out of her private affairs. Although, naturally, I had protective instincts that were rising up in me.
The following season after he moved in he got throat cancer. I honestly felt nothing, still feel nothing as he manipulated my mother into him moving in, contributed nothing towards living there and was in my eyes nothing but a mooch and boarder getting by rent-free. No money paid in rent, contributions to home maintenance or property tax, utilities, nothing. He continued to drink excessively and be disrespectful. His wife died of alcoholism years before. His eldest daughter overdosed on opioids last year. The two daughters that survived I never got along with. Those two girls did not even attend their own sister's funeral. He was verbally abusive to me in his drunken rages, practically throwing me out of my childhood home on the few occasions I visited. When he was sober he simply wouldn't speak unless spoken to, and it would literally be "hi" or "bye", that's it.
My question is, am I obligated to attend the funeral? I don't respect him and honestly always pretty much despised him. But also feel the need to be of emotional support to my mom of course. Is there a way I can hold my own ground and still be there for her? This is really difficult to think through logically especially being Christmas. I always swore up and down I wouldn't go, and that's honestly how I still feel in my heart. Wondering if I'm the only one who's been in this type of predicament.
Funerals are for the living. Go and be there for your mother and keep your mouth shut about the bf.
what has Xmas to do with anything? You hated the man, stay at home. It is your mom's business. If she didnt listen to you then, stay out of her way. if she reaches out to you, thats another story, but otherwise stay out of it.
I agree. Also be nice to the daughters, it's not about you. They lost their dad. Whether you get along or not there's no reason not to give them a half hug and say sorry for your loss.
Why can't you be a support to your mom AFTER she attends the funeral?Meaning meet her at her home AFTER the funeral and support her THAT way.She is the one who decided to stay with this guy, lose many friends, and let him be abusive to YOU..her own daughter.Let her deal with the funeral on her own and then you can support her at her home...after the funeral.She really shouldn't expect anything more.
First of all, you are an adult. Stop taking offense when an alcoholic behaves like an alcoholic. No, you don't have to take it and you can walk away from it and detach yourself from it, but HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. You are sitting here with your fists balled up over things that HE never even remembered the next day, yet you are clutching onto the memories to feed your sense of righteous indignation. Sounds as if you might have a bit of codependency of your own, eh?
Go support your mother, give your condolences to the family of the dead.
Then try to put your sense of injury aside and maybe over the next months see if you can help your mother sort out why she put up with an addict so that maybe she won't make the same mistake again.
I honestly worried it would wear off on her and she'd pick up the habit. Thank God she didn't. There was just so much drug abuse and chaos on his side and I'm relieved we can be at peace now. I'm giving all of your comments a lot of thought. She wants me to attend and it seems to be the right thing to do. It's tricky because obviously his two daughters will be there and we don't get along, but I figure I don't have to interact with them. It's not what I feel in my heart but like you guys said, maybe it shouldn't be about my feelings right now. She is a complete mess, where I have literally never seen her fall apart like she is now... the holidays are compounding things I think and making it all a bit too much.
With this post I can’t believe you are even questioning not going. As an outsider you are being very selfish.
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