Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So long story short- my mom starting dating a man from the rougher section of town about 5 years ago. She was better looking than him (by far), wealthier (by far), in general above his league. They still continued to date despite everyone (me included) telling her she could do better. Her financial advisor, a person who has been a family friend since I was a child walked away and refused to keep her as a client. She lost multiple friends. By the 3rd year of dating he sold his house (a polite word for shack) and moved in with her, despite them being not married. I wanted her to be happy but always had a bad feeling about the whole thing, very early on. I saw all the red flags but figured it was her business and I should butt out of her private affairs. Although, naturally, I had protective instincts that were rising up in me.
The following season after he moved in he got throat cancer. I honestly felt nothing, still feel nothing as he manipulated my mother into him moving in, contributed nothing towards living there and was in my eyes nothing but a mooch and boarder getting by rent-free. No money paid in rent, contributions to home maintenance or property tax, utilities, nothing. He continued to drink excessively and be disrespectful. His wife died of alcoholism years before. His eldest daughter overdosed on opioids last year. The two daughters that survived I never got along with. Those two girls did not even attend their own sister's funeral. He was verbally abusive to me in his drunken rages, practically throwing me out of my childhood home on the few occasions I visited. When he was sober he simply wouldn't speak unless spoken to, and it would literally be "hi" or "bye", that's it.
My question is, am I obligated to attend the funeral? I don't respect him and honestly always pretty much despised him. But also feel the need to be of emotional support to my mom of course. Is there a way I can hold my own ground and still be there for her? This is really difficult to think through logically especially being Christmas. I always swore up and down I wouldn't go, and that's honestly how I still feel in my heart. Wondering if I'm the only one who's been in this type of predicament.
Last edited by EastBoundandDownChick; 12-20-2017 at 10:51 PM..
You going or not isn't going to affect him at all or your relationship that occured. It will affect your relationship with your Mom... well, it could.
The old "funerals are for the living" thing.
Do you want to support your mother in her grief? Or are you just happy you no longer have to deal with him?
Happy I no longer have to "deal" with him? I am not happy about any of it. It's not about me right now other than standing for my beliefs.
I want to support her but also feel funerals are for paying respects, I never respected him. And would feel like hypocrite in that sense.
I want to be there for her in her time of need, yet I'm not sure I can attend the services and respect myself. I keep thinking about the times I visited and he was drunk, dropping my mother's glasses on the floor, and calling me a b%tch even though I did nothing to the guy and he was throwing glass on the floors I stand to inherit. In my view, he took and did not give. Her financial advisor walked for the same reason I might, which is that you should not stand by people and give them your word, only to have it used in the name of convenience.
Last edited by EastBoundandDownChick; 12-20-2017 at 11:08 PM..
....
My question is, am I obligated to attend the funeral? I don't respect him and honestly always pretty much despised him. But also feel the need to be of emotional support to my mom of course. Is there a way I can hold my own ground and still be there for her? This is really difficult to think through logically especially being Christmas. I always swore up and down I wouldn't go, and that's honestly how I still feel in my heart. Wondering if I'm the only one who's been in this type of predicament.
The man is dead your mother is alive. Somehow that seems to be escaping you in your tirade.
You are playing #1Drama Queen....it's all about me, me, me, me, me. Clean up your act, grow up and be there for your mother and keep your mouth shut about what you thought of him.
How about, it's paying respect to the ones who are grieving?
That man won't know or care whether you attend or not. Your mom will.
Yep.
When the other person is dead, it's not called "standing for your beliefs" anymore. It's called "being petty."
Go for your mom. For whatever reason, she persisted with this guy. Now he's gone, but she's still here, and you can be a source of comfort for her. YOU will be the bigger person by being there. You WILL be standing for your beliefs because going to the funeral IN SPITE of how he treated you is what classy people do.
Did you really have to ask? Whatever you thought about the relationship, the fact is that your Mother made her choice and was content to live with it.
Now, she's alone. Since you make no mention of siblings, do you want her to go through this by herself or are you willing to respect HER and support her?
Put on your big girl pants and do what you know you should.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
