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I don't believe in "cutting people out of your life." I do believe in limiting exposure and having boundaries.
I believe people are in your life in the first place "for a reason" - and maybe the reason is to develop boundaries or to expand some aspect of your personality.
It's just a philosophical idea I have.
There are people in my life that I have very limited exposure to - some that I won't let in my house, etc. - But I still maintain distant relationships with these people.
I just think we don't get to choose our families and that they are there in our lives for a reason - it's not random . . . again, philosophy. I have grown a lot trying to deal with some of these characters. I would probably be more one-dimensional had they not been there (and calmer!)
Well, then 'the reason' must be to keep you emotionally crippled. I'm sorry that you have this belief. It's harmful. Good Luck.
I don't believe in "cutting people out of your life." I do believe in limiting exposure and having boundaries.
I believe people are in your life in the first place "for a reason" - and maybe the reason is to develop boundaries or to expand some aspect of your personality.
It's just a philosophical idea I have.
There are people in my life that I have very limited exposure to - some that I won't let in my house, etc. - But I still maintain distant relationships with these people.
I just think we don't get to choose our families and that they are there in our lives for a reason - it's not random . . . again, philosophy. I have grown a lot trying to deal with some of these characters. I would probably be more one-dimensional had they not been there (and calmer!)
I am not a fan of cutting people off either, in fact I view it as the very last resort, but there are circumstances where this is necessary. There are a couple of people in my family who do not deserve a relationship with me, they abused me in ways that would make your toes curl, and one went to prison for it. Neither is owed a relationship with me just because we are related. I did not gain any wisdom or benefit from having them in my life, nor were they required to make me a fully functional dimensional human being. I have had to waste precious years fighting tooth and nail to survive the legacy their abuse left and find a place of peace.
Having said that, if one can set healthy boundaries and the person in question respects those boundaries, GREAT. If they can't and you have to keep a distance but maintain a superficial relationship, so be it. You teach people how to treat you by what you accept and don't accept and the price for that sometimes is saying enough and letting them go (no dramatic cut off needed).
Do you know any, and if so, how do you deal with them?
Depends on person and place. If it's at work, I walk away. I've done this lately, just as the person is escalating. The discussion might not be something very important so you can. Just literally walk away. They are venting or starting some strange tirade and you just go. It stops them in their tracks.
If it's ongoing, it's different, you can still be a "blank slate," don't react, but if you're encountering it day in and day out, it's a problem. Maybe they need Therapy? Or, Meditation/Relaxation types of stuff? MD appointment if they need meds? Sometimes people are stressed and they are reacting this way. Sometimes it's their everyday MO, which is more of a problem.
Last edited by Nanny Goat; 12-28-2017 at 04:22 PM..
It's probably borderline personality disorder. No cure or medicine.
It is the worst mental illness bc there is no cure, the person is like a tornado but then they quickly forget about it. They are the type to break things throughout the house and ask you to go out to eat an hour later.
Triggers are often based in perceived rejection. They think in black and white. They either love or hate you. They can't regulate their emotions. They are not the type to say "we will see" or "maybe" to, you have to say yes or no.
Do you think they are really running? Bpd have a need for attention and acting like you're running might be a good way to get it.
The best way for them to get help is for a therapist to help them figure out how their perception doesn't match reality. For example, I visit you for an hour and have to go. You want me to stay, I can't. The borderline mind will process this as I rejected you and become very upset and hateful. The therapy helps them realize that I came for the hour, therefore they weren't rejected.
There's a lot more but you can research it.
As for how to deal with it, it depends on what you can/will handle.
Here we go-- the good old internet stranger diagnosis --- some of what you stated is somewhat incorrect or misleading-- there is no "worst" mental illness it depends on the severity for one thing- one person may have profound depression and another mild and situational. One person may have symptoms of bpd low on the spectrum and another higher on the scale. One person may have schizophrenia with mostly flat affect and involition while another might have more of the hallucination and delusional symptoms.
When you say there's no cure that applies to all personality disorders and although bpd can definitely cause troubling behavior, the personality disorders to be much more concerned about are the types that do not have an ability to feel empathy for others which make them dangerous, because a lack of empathy or conscience is what makes them predatory---such as a narcissistic personality disorder or a sociopath or psychopath because they do not have an ability to feel empathy for others and lack conscience which is what causes them to prey on others to gain what they want. That is concerning to some people for laypeople to assume they can diagnose people... just as if someone were to state that a stomach ache is caused by gallbladder stones or a headache at night means a brain tumor. I wish people wouldn't put on a doctors coat because they think they can-- it's something that only a psychiatrist or licensed therapist who meets with the person and evaluates them can determine- even a m.d. will not diagnose a person over the Internet or phone.
The symptoms could be caused by any number of conditions- the important thing is how you will react or not react to that behavior.. I wouldn't try to debate or argue with a volatile person and would also try not to take it personally. And disengage and set healthy boundaries
Last edited by mondayafternoons; 12-29-2017 at 09:28 AM..
I believe that challenging people help me expand and that there is a larger reason for them to be in my life than simply for irritation.
I am not "emotionally crippled," and it is abusive to label people like that.
Anyone who hits me, cusses me out, overreacts angrily to the least little thing on a continuing basis will get cut from my life. I am not here to be someone else's verbal or physical punching bag. It is abusive to treat people that way.
Call them challenging or call them difficult all you want. I call them toxic. And so many of them can turn it on and off depending on who is watching. That is why they get no sympathy from me.
I believe that challenging people help me expand and that there is a larger reason for them to be in my life than simply for irritation.
I am not "emotionally crippled," and it is abusive to label people like that.
I agree and there isn't a need to call others names or label them in a negative way because they have a different belief in how they will handle family relationships. I do think for sure if someone if physically abusove then obviously that would be the one case for sure for no contact. I also know that mental abuse can be as bad or worse as physical abuse and if a person is consistently actually **abusive and it is harmful to be around them that would also be a reason to protect yourself -- I guess what I'm saying is that family members who are unhealthy or dysfunctional I agree well I have that same belief of not completely cutting them out of your life but if they cross the line into actual abuse then I would need to protect myself.
This type of person, I’ve come to believe, becomes addicted to being angry. It’s a rush. You could mitigate all potential triggers & they will actually look for something to get upset about. It’s like they get insecure if they are not being obviously victimized. Even if you start out just witnessing the perceived transgressions, any type of empathy or sympathy will become positive reinforcement to the behavior. If you are reactive, you might become the “transgressor”.
Ah, I see you've met some of my family members.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi
The first thing you have to do is to stay calm. Almost ridiculously calm.
The more you disappoint them by not reacting, the less energy they are willing to expend to bait you. You become a “bunk fix”.
....
If you stand up for yourself, they will treat you like a scapegoat. I just am out of energy for all that anymore.
Agree with all of this. Defending myself, making logical arguments, etc just escalates things. I just walk away, hang up the phone, or "ghost" from the e-mail/text conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
The person always apologizes - it's the unpredictability and surprise element that upsets me (actually, the whole scenario is upsetting).
Of note - the two people in my family who are like this never apologize. Time passes, and then the next conversation they act like nothing ever happened.
And fwiw... yes you can walk away from family. BTDT. As someone else said, these people don't change, so all these outbursts just continue to repeat themselves otherwise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefulone
Anyone who hits me, cusses me out, overreacts angrily to the least little thing on a continuing basis will get cut from my life. I am not here to be someone else's verbal or physical punching bag. It is abusive to treat people that way.
Call them challenging or call them difficult all you want. I call them toxic. And so many of them can turn it on and off depending on who is watching. That is why they get no sympathy from me.
^^^^^ This. Spot on.
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