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We have a member of our family whom we are all sure suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder. Because of the nature of the disorder, this person refuses to seek therapy and believes they are 100% healthy. We've tried to show this person examples of how HPD is ruining her life and she keeps putting the blame on other people.
Does anyone have experience in dealing with these types of people? We are baffled, hurt, confused and concerned. We are also at the end of our collective rope.
The best way to deal with anyone with a cluster B personality disorder is to not deal with them at all - but since this person is a relative, cutting her completely out of your life may not a be a realistic option. Which leads to option #2: set firm emotional boundaries and police them. Don't let her drag you into her drama, and regularly remind yourself that her problems are just that: HERS. Nothing you can do will save her from herself, so don't feel obligated to try. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.
The best way to deal with anyone with a cluster B personality disorder is to not deal with them at all - but since this person is a relative, cutting her completely out of your life may not a be a realistic option. Which leads to option #2: set firm emotional boundaries and police them. Don't let her drag you into her drama, and regularly remind yourself that her problems are just that: HERS. Nothing you can do will save her from herself, so don't feel obligated to try. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.
Thank you. Its really sad for all of us because we love her very much but she won't ever get better. Its like we all have that "should" mentality with her. We "should" visit her. We "should" talk to her more. We "should" go out to eat with her sometimes. She's just exhausting to be around. Its become too much to handle. As you said, its not really an option to completely cut her out of our lives but perhaps we can give ourselves permission to distance ourselves without guilt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
All of us have done that at one time or another over the years. Very difficult to deal with this person on a regular basis. She has literally said, "I am right. I am ALWAYS right and I ALWAYS will be." There's no reasoning with such a person.
Thank you. Its really sad for all of us because we love her very much but she won't ever get better. Its like we all have that "should" mentality with her. We "should" visit her. We "should" talk to her more. We "should" go out to eat with her sometimes. She's just exhausting to be around. Its become too much to handle. As you said, its not really an option to completely cut her out of our lives but perhaps we can give ourselves permission to distance ourselves without guilt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
I'm not familiar with the exact disorder but have family that suffer from other, probably more severe mental health problems.
First, if it really bothers you, I would probably find and join a support group. Trying to help people with mental health problems is extremely difficult and stressful. Others in the group will be able to share what has helped them including how they most effectively helped their loved ones.
Secondly, realize there's only so much you can do. Sometimes people need to fall hard before they change. As long as she's physically safe, recognize that stepping away at times will probably be best for you and could even help her in the long run.
Third, I wouldn't assume she'll never get better. One person we've helped was on the brink of homelessness and was stressing out the entire family to the point where we were getting sick over it. We found a social worker for her (who specializes in mental health) and she was willing to see her to help with logistics (like housing). But she built a trust and friendship with her, got her to see a psychiatrist and is now on a low dose medication (even tho she doesn't feel she has any mental health issues). She's doing better than we could have ever dreamed and we've built a fun relationship with her again. Sure she'll have some low periods and challenging times, but who doesn't.
Fourth, realize that you may not feel your making a significant impact in getting better, but if it wasn't for her closest support network, things would probably be much, much worse.
I dealt with a coworker like that for over a year and fortunately the program came to an end and I got moved to another program.
He was the most exasperating person I've ever had to deal with and every time I had a chance to sit down one on one with him to deal with his demons, the next day he would act like we never talked about what was going on. Those type of personalities are high maintenance and are psychic vampires as they will suck the life out of you.
This person even wanted to start carpooling with me so I could pick him up and drop him off at his house, would call me at home in the evenings to just talk and wanted to hang out with me and my wife on the weekends.
He became like a parasite that I couldn't get rid of.
He even would come into work in the morning raging about his commute and the work he had to do that day until I would yell at him to knock it off, sit down and shut up.
He would then run to our supervisor and tell him how I was out of control and was yelling at him. He would then come back in the room with the supervisor and sit down and not say anything, the supervisor would then come over to me and ask me what's going on while he just sat at his desk acting like nothing was going on so I adopted the same attitude and calmly asked the supervisor what did he want to know. I could see how he would play people against each other but I never gave him the chance. One time I got the supervisor alone and questioned him about this person and he said that this person had been with the company for over 30 years and just loves drama and just try to not let it get to me.
It became like the mad hatters tea party every day and I was so glad to have escaped before I had a heart attack or killed him.
If you can keep away from these types of people, do it or they will suck you into their f'd up lives until you are as crazy as they are.
Thank you. Its really sad for all of us because we love her very much but she won't ever get better. Its like we all have that "should" mentality with her. We "should" visit her. We "should" talk to her more. We "should" go out to eat with her sometimes. She's just exhausting to be around. Its become too much to handle. As you said, its not really an option to completely cut her out of our lives but perhaps we can give ourselves permission to distance ourselves without guilt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
You're welcome. One thing you might consider doing is setting up a regular routine when it comes to visits/eating out with this relative. Make it one that won't mentally exhaust you too much. Then stick with that routine. When your relative tries to guilt you into increasing the frequency of those get-togethers, you can remind her that you DO visit on a regular schedule, and unfortunately you can't do so more frequently (which is true, just not for reasons you can share with her).
I agree with a previous poster who said to set boundaries. She will try to test those boundaries, but do not give in to her. I had an ex-friend who would call me daily and just talked about herself for HOURS. And pretty much told me my problems were not as important as hers to even warrant a discussion. I finally told her that she could only call on certain days and not after a certain time. Of course, she still called after the established times and I didn't pick up. She got the message.
Set boundaries, distance yourself as much as you can and don't enable her. I find that if you don't give them the attention they crave, they'll just find it somewhere else; however, I know it can be harder when family is involved. In this case with my ex- friend, we lived in different states so it was easy to ignore her phone calls. Do the best you can.
Thank you. Its really sad for all of us because we love her very much but she won't ever get better. Its like we all have that "should" mentality with her. We "should" visit her. We "should" talk to her more. We "should" go out to eat with her sometimes. She's just exhausting to be around. Its become too much to handle. As you said, its not really an option to completely cut her out of our lives but perhaps we can give ourselves permission to distance ourselves without guilt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
Good observation. !
Add should quit playing God too.
And should stop playing amateur psychiatrist.
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Its like we all have that "should" mentality with her. We "should" visit her. We "should" talk to her more. We "should" go out to eat with her sometimes. She's just exhausting to be around. Its become too much to handle. As you said, its not really an option to completely cut her out of our lives but perhaps we can give ourselves permission to distance ourselves without guilt. 
