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I do not want to give many precise details, but I removed myself from a younger relatives who lives in another state after she had stolen, lied, and made one really bad choice after another starting from when she was a child. She has continued to make REALLY bad choices and chose to associate with felons at least as of two years ago She is not well-off financially, and we are, and she has been trying to get back into my good graces. I do NOT trust her but at the same time, I don't want to continue to "turn my back" on her if she really has changed. She is is now 34 years old, and I have not actually seen her in five years, so I don't know if she actually has changed or not -even though she says she has - the last really bad choice she made was just two years ago, but at least it was not illegal. (She chose to take one of her best friend's young sons into her home when her friend was sent to prison for a drug-related second degree murder, even though she already had three kids of her own and could not even afford those.)
As I said in my title, she has always been HIGHLY manipulative -- so I am torn between not wanting to put myself through a lot of grief again and wanting to resume the relationship and offer the support of an older friend if she truly has changed. (I would put the chances at no more than 90% that she is actually now wanting to make some good choices and has truly regretted her past choices.) My "gut feeling" is that she is just looking for some kind financial benefit in the future.) But, again, I am not sure how much of this gut feeling is due to the fact that she has hurt me so much in the past and I am looking for reasons to not resume a relationship with her again. Her recent emails to me "could melt butter". Btw, my husband is 100% against it, and I trust his instincts just as much as I trust my own.
Any opinions and advice would be appreciated -- and especially from those who have been "burned" by relatives in the past.
Why are you ignoring your instinct? Melt butter in emails . Hum! You already said she is very manipulative yet you are ignoring your instincts . Why risk it.
No, because they are seeking and taking advantage of the ones who have hope but no boundaries. Any other way would take too long to get what they want.
It has been said that a child gets the personality of their mother and the honesty of their father.
I've never heard such thing. Who said that? You just made that up.
Most men are disloyal, lying, cheating on their wives, betrayal and selfish. They just want to f and run away from responsibilities with the children. They are greedy, want to have women to support them in life and business. And when they become successful, they leave their partners, wives, to go for different ones. Most of them want to spend on themselves instead of saving and leaving something for the children. Not all men are like that though. I saw some men were very good, gentle, kind and caring towards their wives and children. And there are some women who have all the traits as in the first part I described too.
OP, most people don't change. Stay far away from those who give you burdens.
I had a brother who did not have much of education. He smoked, drank, gambled, beat up his wife all the times when he was young, damaged his health, turned to be very sick, had throat cancer, had digestive system part cut off, had ostomy, became skin and bones, had to be hospitalized, on tube feed and life support for over a year at the end of his life at early 50. The day he had the plug pulled off, he pulled his wife closer and said he wished his wife could go with him together. It was appalling and stupid. I was thinking to myself: Such a selfish man, even in the last minute of his life.
In the contrary of that man/my brother, his two children were doing well. They were smart, studied well, worked hard, did not do all those things as their father. They became successful in life. However, the son eventually had mental health issues. The daughter got married to an ambassador, had three healthy, beautiful children. They seem to have a perfect family and life so far. But who knows what the future holds? I wish them all the best. Anyway, my late brother's wife has a much better life now. She looks happy with her children and grandchildren. Her children and grandchildren love her. That’s the compensation for her earlier life.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 02-15-2024 at 05:54 AM..
I guess I'm going to go against popular opinion and say that "it depends".
I don't think people fundamentally change at their core. BUT I do believe that people can change some of their attitudes and behaviors, especially if those behaviors are in part a result of immaturity and/ or drug use.
Living a hard knock life can sometimes wake people up to the realization that they need to change, to grow up.
This is something I have witnessed firsthand, family, yes, burned. Lying, cheating, stealing, conning everyone. I will always be somewhat wary of this person and his motives. BUT his moving away from the drugs and that lifestyle made a huge difference, as did getting more mature with age. Over the years he has changed his behavior, the entitled belief that it's okay to hurt people and do whatever it takes in order to get what he wanted. He's still manipulative to an extent, but not much more so than most people are.
As an aside I agree that taking in a young child may not have been a smart choice, but I don't know that it was necessarily a BAD choice. It could mean that she is showing real concern for a child in a tragic situation... or it could be that's she's using the child to satisfy some need of her own. Like I said, it depends.
The safe thing to do of course is to continue to keep her on ignore, but sometimes our hearts don't always want to do the safe thing. If you do decide to let her back into your life be very, very cautious and make very clear that you will not be taken advantage of, financially or otherwise.
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