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I do a lot of work for a volunteer group, and the politics can get intense. It's all women, and feels like high school a lot. I suffered horrible bullying as a kid, and find the cattiness and back-stabbing, not to mention the outright name-calling and emotional meltdowns, cause me a lot of stress.
One of the women in our group is very popular, funny, and charming, and seems to have chosen me as a target. She says awful things to me and shouts at me, but is wonderful to everyone else. Therefore, the others seem to think this is my personal issue with her - but I have never done anything to her and have tried to remain professional and calm and not stoop to her level. I'm not sure how to handle it. Some people say to fight back, but I don't want to have some big power struggle. It seems childish. Plus, I'm just not popular like she is. I don't have a sparkly personality - I'm more quiet and serious. So people don't gravitate to me like they do to her.
I don't think she intends to target me for her own enjoyment so much as she just really doesn't like me and feels my very existence has wronged her. As a result, I feel somewhat responsible for just not being a likeable person, and not having the best social skills.
Others say to quit the group and walk away. This is very tempting. I think I would be happier if I left it all behind. On the other hand, I have a big project I've been working on for years, and it isn't over yet. I'm a goal-oriented person, and worry that if I abandon the project now, I'll always regret quitting. I worry that if I stick it out, I'll be happy to have that accomplishment, and don't want to let her take that from me. I also worry about looking bad for quitting, and don't want to feel like she chased me out.
I can't figure out how to handle this situation. I am worried that if I don't leave, she may get the others to turn on me and end up humiliating me in some way, but I'm not sure if that's real or just paranoia based on my teenage experiences.
How can I sort through this and figure out what to do?
In life you can't make everyone happy, and definitely not making everyone satisfy of your existence. If you know you didnt do anything wrong, you dont need to explain to anyone. Water is clean and clear, but not everyone is going to enjoy the simple water. If people prejudice against you, they are not worth your time.
At this point, you have only one thing left to do, which is to finish the project you been doing for the past few years. Finish the project and leave.
Life is too short to try to make an impression with everyone. I am not saying you are trying to impress others, but you simply have no control over others as to whether they like you or not.
One of the women in our group is very popular, funny, and charming, and seems to have chosen me as a target. She says awful things to me and shouts at me, but is wonderful to everyone else.
Ask her what her problem is with you out loud with other around after one of her insults, she needs to be called out in public. Don't make it an argument, just a question.
Ask her what her problem is with you out loud with other around after one of her insults, she needs to be called out in public. Don't make it an argument, just a question.
Yep, that is the best way to deal with adult bullies.
If you truly know that you have done nothing to provoke this behavior from her, then calmly ask her why she is saying that to you.
If she gets upset and begins yelling, you STAY calm.
Ask her why in the world she is reacting this way. Be sure to show that you are mystified about her actions.
If you want to confront her, look her dead in the eye when you talk to her. That's a non-verbal way of telling someone you mean business. She may back off after that. If she doesn't I would consider walking away from this place, as it could get worse.
Personally and I'm 79 so one of the older people around here, I don't recall any bullying in my life, child or adult. BUT, here at C-D I deal with it. Work to ignore and get back as best I'm allowed here, but it goes on. Just because a person doesn't "like" what I say or do, some attack/bully. It's wild.
What sort of company is this where that level of verbal abuse is tolerated? THAT seems to be the biggest mystery. If that occurred in my workplace the person would be sent to EAP or fired. Immediately.
Is there no workplace policy on this? That is so strange to me.
I've never been bullied, or if I have, I never noticed. I've always found it easy to avoid or ignore mean people.
Yes call it out,but calmly or use a bit humour. there is no way I would stand there and listen to being shouted at, either I walk away and ignore, or I say not to shout. If someone is being rude or insulting I call it out immediately and say " wow I Can't believe you just said that" or "sheesh you must be having a bad day but don't take it out on me" .
Can you give us an example of something insulting she has said.
Whenever she says something nasty to you, politely ask "what did you say?" or "what makes you say such a thing?" Force her to acknowledge her behavior. It works.
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