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My husband is Vietnamese and I am Caucasian. His family's expectations of him have caused issues in our marriage a few times and he finally had to put up some boundaries with them.
His situation is a bit different as he is the eldest son (a big flippin' deal in most Asian cultures). First born sons are supposed to care for their parents one they hit retirement age, as in move the parents into their home and care for them until they die. He is first-generation American, so a lot of his family's traditions/customs are still very ingrained.
I told him before we got married that under no circumstance would his parents ever live with us or become our responsibility. I actually said the words "if they move in, I will move out." I told him that they both have good jobs, make good money, and can clearly afford to care for themselves now, so we would not be saddled with that burden just because they hit a certain age. If one of his other siblings wants to take on that role, have at it.
His mother has made comments to him before that his parents are still his priority regardless of the fact that he is married. His father has also called and demanded absolutely ridiculous things. My husband has gotten into shouting matches with his parents over this and we actually stopped talking to them for 3ish years because they were affecting our marriage. My husband understands our marriage comes first and he has (mostly) respected that in regards to dealing with his parents.
It's sad that there can't be a compromise with people. As for you and your husband I think you are doing the right thing. You "choose" your partner and that is the person who should be #1, IMO. Nothing should come before that.
My husband is Vietnamese and I am Caucasian. His family's expectations of him have caused issues in our marriage a few times and he finally had to put up some boundaries with them.
His situation is a bit different as he is the eldest son (a big flippin' deal in most Asian cultures). First born sons are supposed to care for their parents one they hit retirement age, as in move the parents into their home and care for them until they die. He is first-generation American, so a lot of his family's traditions/customs are still very ingrained.
I told him before we got married that under no circumstance would his parents ever live with us or become our responsibility. I actually said the words "if they move in, I will move out." I told him that they both have good jobs, make good money, and can clearly afford to care for themselves now, so we would not be saddled with that burden just because they hit a certain age. If one of his other siblings wants to take on that role, have at it.
His mother has made comments to him before that his parents are still his priority regardless of the fact that he is married. His father has also called and demanded absolutely ridiculous things. My husband has gotten into shouting matches with his parents over this and we actually stopped talking to them for 3ish years because they were affecting our marriage. My husband understands our marriage comes first and he has (mostly) respected that in regards to dealing with his parents.
In your situation I think you made the right decision,you should NOT be a caretaker of his parents. He can care and oversee their wellbeing without moving them into your home. Your inlaws sound unreasonable and willing to hurt your marriage instead of respecting it and helping their son find a compromise and balance.
My sons inlaws are lovely but at times I feel he and my granddaughter are being swallowed up by them, but I also understand the pressure my dil is facing. We say nothing and just try to be the kind of grandparent our son enjoys, and support them both as best we can .
I have recently learned that this is common in Asian families. My nephew is about 40, and married a few years ago to a Vietnamese girl his age. They moved from Houston to SoCal where his job was.
Her family has had some tragedies so she has spent most of her married life with them back in Houston. My nephew lost his job, and his wife is rarely with him. It seems he is "OK" with it, from what his mother says, but who knows how he really feels.
Apparently in that culture, parents remain #1, and first obligations are to them, not the spouse.
My point in posting this, is to ask if anyone has run across this before? What eventually happened---divorce or just putting up with the situation? Obviously it's my nephew's choice, but I am just curious if others have experienced this, and how did it turn out?
Actually this was my situation, only my partner was Italian, and mom was #1 priority female. Even though we had bought our dream vacation condo on the bay the summer before, he spent all weekend at his sisters in the same town a few miles away. I went too sometimes, but I just sat on the beach with his mom while he surfed with his nephews. She was nice and all, but I was 28, I didn't want to spend all weekend every weekend with anyone's family. Dinner was at his moms every Sunday no matter what (my family never got a turn for a Sunday dinner).
Mine was a workaholic on top of it so that made it worse. I was very lonely in that relationship and left after 13 or so years.
I think you're assuming a lot here though. Maybe she's not with him because she's not in love with him anymore or they are having issues or fighting or something else that has nothing at all to do with Asian culture. I wouldn't have told an Aunt about our troubles, I told people it was fine, and they didn't know differently until the day I left.
My DH is not just a paycheck to me to be put aside after he has done is duty. He is the most important person in my life and I will never allow anyone to come between us. With that baseline, I am not against helping out if someone is need but they must respect our boundaries and relationship. He is an equal, not subordinate to any family member so we mutually decide how to spend our time and resources.
Interesting responses. My sister (his mother) confided to me about this. I am not close to the nephew. She said he sometimes "holds back tears" so I think it IS affecting him.
There is no right or wrong with cultural differences but they set up an extra road-block in marriages; which have enough challenges in the best of times.
The Vietnamese family first had a son commit suicide; then an uncle was murdered. They own and run a convenience store in Houston. So the daughter feels obligated to be with her parents, and also help run the store. I would anticipate that they will expect her to support them in old age.
I have read in ancient Near-Eastern cultures, the daughter and husband were expected to move into the parents' home, and care for them until death. Maybe that will happen in this case!
What, you mean I have been doing it all wrong for over 20 years.
I am going to go tell my wife this, be right back guys, I'll let you know how it goes.........
Love this! Yeah, my wife wouldn’t buy into this plan either. After 35 years, we’re still together without either of us threatening to leave the other. (We just happen to love one another, and that seems to work quite well.)
For some cultures blood is thicker than water.
SO (can) come and go (multitudes of marriages in our society end in divorce), but parents are blood relatives, and so are siblings, and kids. At least for many families w normal/loving/caring relationship between family members, the ties are always stronger when it comes to family than people outside or added to the family. It is often associated with importance of landownership, inheritance, and social stratification. This model seem to be outdated, and more common in cultures/ethnicity where specific genogram model rules.
In modern society, generally most married people put their spouse first, their kids second and their parents third.
I don't think that's true. In many Western cultures its spouse then parents, but when kids come into the equation they clearly come before spouse many times.
Culture isn't genetic of course, so you can oot in or opt out and people do, but my experience is that children are put before spouses. This probably has a genetic basis in attachment - that's why people divorce each other but estrangement from kids is overall rarer (at least from the parent side).
Where is it written that any one relationship is above the other? Sorry as I value each beloved person with due regards. My husband and I (now divorced and civil friends) could not imagine putting one relationship above another. It was linear. We balanced and valued that concept. "Neither" he nor I were open to tossing our parents into a home because 'we' came above them. Or we 'lacked' the human skills to get along in a home environment. His parents were important and we loved visiting and caring for them when the time came. This 'put spouse's first ' is probably why I remain single. I'm in a relationship to give and render community support....Not to shut other HUMANS out because being an adult remains being accountable. There are some kin i'm less inclined to invest in....But parents,or siblings aren't in that linear fringe. As a secure being I think most who stay married cling to the 'us!' first... foresaking..That nuclear family can be enhanced . Family first...Indeed. but this me first in marriage..Is short-lived ..
I don't think that's true. In many Western cultures its spouse then parents, but when kids come into the equation they clearly come before spouse many times.
Modern American culture, kids definitely come before spouse. That's an error in this society that will have the most severe ramifications over the next couple of generations, but that's what happens. It's not good for the marriage and it's not even good for the kids to observe happening.
My DH is not just a paycheck to me to be put aside after he has done is duty. He is the most important person in my life and I will never allow anyone to come between us. With that baseline, I am not against helping out if someone is need but they must respect our boundaries and relationship. He is an equal, not subordinate to any family member so we mutually decide how to spend our time and resources.
Thank you!!!!
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