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Old 03-06-2018, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,244 posts, read 14,473,951 times
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Sometimes I judge it, sometimes I don't, but it's not a matter of jealousy. This reminds me of conversations I had with my partner after we watched the movie, Lolita (the Jeremy Irons version.) See, I don't think that the age of 18 is magical and transforms a person from a child to an adult. I think that there are life phase milestones. There is puberty. Then there is the point around 25 or so, when the brain is done developing. Then there's whatever phase of life is post-parenting, which might for some be a matter of menopause and for others be a matter of being really on top of birth control, but if you've had kids, you have decided you won't be having any more, and you raise your offspring and go through the "parent of a little kid" and then "parent of an older kid" and then "free and clear to do whatever comes next" phases.

The problem I have, is when people who are not in compatible life phases, attempt a RELATIONSHIP. Note. I do not include casual sex in this. I think that anyone well past puberty, it's not a big difference in my mind if they're having a hookup with someone their age or someone older. They should try to be safe, get tested, but a hookup is a hookup. In the film Lolita, if the old guy had snuck into the gal's bed a time or two, then effed-off into the sunset, she might have had something like a normal growing up and gotten on with her life. The problem was that he wanted to KEEP her. So you had this weird thing, he wasn't realistic about the nature of the human mind inside that cute young body. It's a recipe for drama and disaster for all.

And I know "older" men who get with women younger than 25, and then get wrecked when that immature person has a series of changes and needs to finish growing up, like how dare she not be only what he needs!? And it just often does not end well. The age gap was not the problem, the difference in their life phases and them trying to life-bond despite that, was.

That's my theory anyways. But I'm in a 20 year age gap relationship myself, and it's 39/59, and I don't really think it's a problem. I am mature enough to be realistic about what challenges are ahead, I believe I can step up and handle them, and we're both really happy and in love. I don't think we get looks from others. I don't think older women are necessarily jealous, though there were a couple who hoped to snare him before I came along who might have some personal feelings about him not wanting them, and later wanting me. I am sorry as I don't want them to feel bad, but people like whatever they like. There were men my age and younger that I was not into, and rejected for him. Oh, well.

So I only judge a bit when I see an older guy with like a 20 year old, and my judgment is kind of along the lines, of, "I have a feeling this might not work out well for you two. Good luck with all that." because she just isn't done growing up yet. I know she's cute and all, but she isn't a mindless sex doll, she's got a head full of a 20-year-old's drama and immaturity and in 5-6 years she might be a completely different person. I don't believe you've thought this through, dude...but whateva. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:49 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,869,471 times
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Originally Posted by hawk101 View Post
Ahhh, don't take any notice of what women say with this stuff.
They'll turn round and tell ya guys like younger women because they can manipulate them and garbage like this , meanwhile they all go chasing younger guys for their bodies.

For a 1000 years they've b@tched about guys with younger women but as usual just like with anything else , they're just as bad if not worse. Good old double standards alive and well.

Grain of salt buddy.
Sure, women can find young guys super hot - let's face it, young fit dude, unlined face, good hair, jackhammer, got the bod, etc., I mean come on - but personally, I couldn't have sex and a relationship with a kid. Bleh... Visually knowing somebody looks hot and actually wanting to do something physical about it can be two very different things.

Or going not quite as much "younger," if single I could for sure have fun with a say early 30s guy but I just wouldn't fool myself into thinking "ZOMG, I'm just like a 30-year-old myself, everybody thinks I look younger than my age anyway, blah blah desperate hope desperate hope." This is just me, though.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:52 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,869,471 times
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Sonic, milestones, you hit the nail on the head! I can see this from a dating older POV too. I am 50...say I dated 65...well....that's retirement. Meanwhile....I have a son in middle school. You know? Talk about to completely different wavelengths. That would be just...so weird.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:54 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,869,471 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx View Post
Didn't love him? then why were you dating him in the first place?
People dont love each other before dating, usually. There are exceptions but usually the dating is to find out of it can become love in the first place.

Have you loved every woman you have dated?
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Old 03-07-2018, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,244 posts, read 14,473,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
Sonic, milestones, you hit the nail on the head! I can see this from a dating older POV too. I am 50...say I dated 65...well....that's retirement. Meanwhile....I have a son in middle school. You know? Talk about to completely different wavelengths. That would be just...so weird.
My sons are almost grown, well...the 19 year old technically is an adult, but only technically. He's not quite ready to face life just yet, we're working on it. My other one is 16. I am ready to be in these final stages, getting them off on their own. I'm not the kind of Mom who wants to be super attached as they get on with adulting, I'm not obsessed with them "giving me grandkids." Honestly I'm just not wild about children, never was, and while I love my own, I don't dream wistfully of spending all my days running around after little kids. I'd be fine with being the grandma who gets a visit a few times a year, but I'm not the one who will try to live with them and provide child care.

So I'm looking forward to what's next. I found a partner, who has no kids, never been married, doesn't want kids...the 20 year age difference, I see it this way. When he's ready for retirement, I'll still be in my working prime, and I'll make it possible, between his savings and Social Security, and my pay, for him to retire at a reasonable age. It is my hope that he will take up photography, and maybe take this hobby interest and turn it into a little business endeavor, or find something else creative and enjoyable to spend his time doing. I can take vacations and spend time with him. This is in the next probably 6-10 year timeframe. Then when I'm ready to retire with my savings, he'll be in end-of-life phase. So I can probably provide care for him, so long as he's not beyond my abilities to handle. I'll be young enough to help with home care if it's possible and necessary during his last years.

This man is wonderful, I've never felt like anyone was my "soul mate"...didn't even believe in it...until now. I never want him to be lonely again.

After he is gone, and I have inherited whatever assets remain, and I'm retired, since I'm the sort to maintain active social networks, I'm sure I'll have some younger friend I can count on to administer my affairs, just like my Aunt did after she was a widow. I will finish out my time, living for me, on my own, but with plenty of friends. Maybe I'll finally make some art.

This all sounds very reasonable and viable to me. And I've talked about it with my boyfriend, who does like the idea of leaving me provision for my retirement, after I work to help support his. He also has a father from whom he will likely inherit.

I say all of this not to be morbid or cold about my relationship, but in answer to the "wouldn't you think that mismatched life phases in an age gap relationship would be a problem?"...I've thought it through and I think it'll work. Of course, the idea of being a caregiver feels natural to me, but the idea of requiring a loved one to provide such care for me, bothers me. I'd rather be in a home than feel like a burden that way.
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Old 03-07-2018, 11:42 AM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,869,471 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
My sons are almost grown, well...the 19 year old technically is an adult, but only technically. He's not quite ready to face life just yet, we're working on it. My other one is 16. I am ready to be in these final stages, getting them off on their own. I'm not the kind of Mom who wants to be super attached as they get on with adulting, I'm not obsessed with them "giving me grandkids." Honestly I'm just not wild about children, never was, and while I love my own, I don't dream wistfully of spending all my days running around after little kids. I'd be fine with being the grandma who gets a visit a few times a year, but I'm not the one who will try to live with them and provide child care.

So I'm looking forward to what's next. I found a partner, who has no kids, never been married, doesn't want kids...the 20 year age difference, I see it this way. When he's ready for retirement, I'll still be in my working prime, and I'll make it possible, between his savings and Social Security, and my pay, for him to retire at a reasonable age. It is my hope that he will take up photography, and maybe take this hobby interest and turn it into a little business endeavor, or find something else creative and enjoyable to spend his time doing. I can take vacations and spend time with him. This is in the next probably 6-10 year timeframe. Then when I'm ready to retire with my savings, he'll be in end-of-life phase. So I can probably provide care for him, so long as he's not beyond my abilities to handle. I'll be young enough to help with home care if it's possible and necessary during his last years.

This man is wonderful, I've never felt like anyone was my "soul mate"...didn't even believe in it...until now. I never want him to be lonely again.

After he is gone, and I have inherited whatever assets remain, and I'm retired, since I'm the sort to maintain active social networks, I'm sure I'll have some younger friend I can count on to administer my affairs, just like my Aunt did after she was a widow. I will finish out my time, living for me, on my own, but with plenty of friends. Maybe I'll finally make some art.

This all sounds very reasonable and viable to me. And I've talked about it with my boyfriend, who does like the idea of leaving me provision for my retirement, after I work to help support his. He also has a father from whom he will likely inherit.

I say all of this not to be morbid or cold about my relationship, but in answer to the "wouldn't you think that mismatched life phases in an age gap relationship would be a problem?"...I've thought it through and I think it'll work. Of course, the idea of being a caregiver feels natural to me, but the idea of requiring a loved one to provide such care for me, bothers me. I'd rather be in a home than feel like a burden that way.
See now, I see this more in the present tense. Right now I am nowhere near a retirement mindset. A 20 years older SO would almost certainly be. Even 15 years older would be. So right now, and for years to come, I wouldn't be thinking along the same lines as he is.

I can't really look toward the future after he's dead, LOL, to wonder how things will be then...I don't know...I've done enough waiting! (I mean hypothetically, if I weren't married right now.)

As for overparenting, well, my kids have special needs. The 11-year-old is still very young but will probably be independent as an adult, so that's all good, but my 14-year-old has the mind of a first or second grader intellectually and emotionally, he functions at preschool level (per his assessments) so he won't ever technically be a grownup, though we want to get him as far as he can possibly go toward independence. But that means as he reaches 17, 18, 19 it's not like I'm going to be able to significantly detach from responsibility the way other parents of that age group may be able to. I will be teaching this kid for a LONG time. So I'm not on the "closer to all done" end of the child-rearing scenario in that way either. A retiree mentally willing at me "are you done yet? are you done yet?" is going to be waiting until HE'S about dead, probably. I just can't see it...

I think different people see things differently in relationships, which is good, because this means a greater chance of finding someone who's just right for us, IMO.

Last edited by JerZ; 03-07-2018 at 11:51 AM..
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Old 03-07-2018, 11:43 AM
 
1,672 posts, read 1,240,597 times
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Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Rest assured, nobody cares about someones love life.
I wish that statement had any relation to reality, especially the busybody culture of the 2010s.
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,244 posts, read 14,473,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
See now, I see this more in the present tense. Right now I am nowhere near a retirement mindset. A 20 years older SO would almost certainly be. Even 15 years older would be. So right now, and for years to come, I wouldn't be thinking along the same lines as he is.

I can't really look toward the future after he's dead, LOL, to wonder how things will be then...I don't know...I've done enough waiting! (I mean hypothetically, if I weren't married right now.)

As for overparenting, well, my kids have special needs. The 11-year-old is still very young but will probably be independent as an adult, so that's all good, but my 14-year-old has the mind of a first or second grader intellectually and emotionally, he functions at preschool level (per his assessments) so he won't ever technically be a grownup, though we want to get him as far as he can possibly go toward independence. But that means as he reaches 17, 18, 19 it's not like I'm going to be able to significantly detach from responsibility the way other parents of that age group may be able to. I will be teaching this kid for a LONG time. So I'm not on the "closer to all done" end of the child-rearing scenario in that way either. A retiree mentally willing at me "are you done yet? are you done yet?" is going to be waiting until HE'S about dead, probably. I just can't see it...

I think different people see things differently in relationships, which is good, because this means a greater chance of finding someone who's just right for us, IMO.
Well, obviously my thoughts are just a vague sketch of "how this could work" because life usually does not conform to plans. Anything could happen.

But I completely agree that it's good and necessary for people to see different things, different future outlays or needs or expectations, to find someone who is a good fit for our lives.

It's why I just...*explosive sigh*...I struggle with some of our posters who argue that it's as simple as "attractive female unit meets tall, rich male unit, sexytime ensues!" Like...is life seriously that simple, that black & white, for anybody? How?
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:29 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,869,471 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post

It's why I just...*explosive sigh*...I struggle with some of our posters who argue that it's as simple as "attractive female unit meets tall, rich male unit, sexytime ensues!" Like...is life seriously that simple, that black & white, for anybody? How?
For sure...if it were that simple we wouldn't have forums, LOL.

IMO the most "formulaic" people are the ones who AREN'T successful in relationships (i.e. "This is what women are thinking, they're emotions-driven, kino X amount of times, close or at least kiss by the end of the date, look 1 up from you in your 'league'," blah blah...oh, and whiskadoo! ). I'm sure that can't be 100% of the time IRL but on the intrawebs it sure seems to be. The people with the "foolproof" formulas always seem to be the ones who aren't actually getting any action.

I guess I digress. Anyway, I thought of another thing in the much older/much younger category. And obviously this is just me, as many people do date much older/younger. Including you and your love, SS.

Anyway, personally...I just never seem to be able to see myself physically and romantically with a guy who is much older than I am. I again feel this could be related to life stages but I'm not 100% sure. It is certain that it's physical, I mean...this may sound awful but I kind of cringe. I just can't "picture" it.

But the thing is, that "age" changes as my own age changes. So it's not based on some blanket biological thing or anything, I wouldn't think (i.e. 30s look robust and healthy; 50s may look successful long-term or...whatever). Right now, I just can not picture myself with a 65-year-old guy. I just...can't. Not in the abstract, and not any guy in this age group I've ever actually met. Hell, not even any 60something well-preserved celebs. Every cell in my body says: just no. Not a match.

But this has changed over time with my own age changes. So IOW...right now, to me, 40 looks pretty young. Mid-30s, WAY WAY young. Almost like a kid, really. Not a sex/romantic partner contender. BUT...in my 30s, 30something was totally fine and very attractive. And going back the other way, when I was in my early 20s I could not have pictured myself with a 35, 40-year-old man. Same cringe reaction, I know because I was indeed approached by this age group fairly regularly, and it was the same reaction each time.

I figure when I'm in my 60s, 60something guys will look attractive to me. But based on my gut reactions throughout my life I can't see that this will happen before then.
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Old 03-07-2018, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,244 posts, read 14,473,951 times
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Well, it is maybe worth mention that my 59 year old love, he has aged gracefully...he had the thing where he had oily skin and acne as a much younger man, and now in his older years, the acne isn't a problem and his skin hasn't wrinkled or aged as much as some folks. And he eats healthy, his job has him active on his feet every day, and he's never been a smoker, drinker, or drug user. So he is well preserved, and he looks like he's at least 10 years younger. Our friends have been shocked when I've mentioned his age, because he doesn't look it.

What I find so very appealing that is connected to his age, is that he's got a vast wealth of stories and favorite things to share that he's accumulated over a longer life than I've had, and that he has a more...I dunno, a more mature spirit? He's calmer inside, doesn't seem driven to flights of temper or melodrama, he puts me at ease. He's a philosophical old soul. He's good company. Yet because I have had life experiences that he hasn't (like parenting, more relationships) he respects me, doesn't see ME as a kid. I feel both cherished and respected. I like that.

Last night I was at the grocery store, and I ran into a young man of my acquaintance. I could have dated him, but I didn't. He is in his late 20s I think, and he's hot...like super gothy sexy hot, and very smart, and funny...we'd talked online at one point, and then coincidentally he ended up an intern where I work, and then even more coincidentally he dated a close friend of mine. At one point I'd told him that I found him very attractive, but I thought he was too young for me. Well, we touched base in the candy aisle for a minute, that ol', "How's it going?" and he said he hadn't found a job yet, since his internship ended. But he was keeping busy with his band, getting by if only barely.

Now ya see, I'm finishing up my parenting, I'm stably employed, and while my boyfriend's not rich, he's got good, sensible financial habits and steady employment...and here's this guy talking about no job and his band. And I thought to myself, "Yep. That's what I mean. You are so young."
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