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I loved my parents dearly. They did great things for me, didn't abuse me (aside from trying to foist religion on me) , and did their very best to give me everything I wanted, without spoiling me. They did the best they could with the resources they had. I feel badly sometimes when I realize how difficult I was, how I fundamentally disagreed with most of the things they tried to teach me. My view of the world was very different than theirs.
For example, my mother got in a fight with one of my teachers in elementary school over Darwin. Teacher "believed in" evolution --mother did not. I agreed with him. So, in other words, she held conventional beliefs about God and the universe. I thought it was nonsense. I said as much. We fought over this and similar issues until I left for college. I somehow thought if I could convince her with rational argument, she would change her positions on at least some things. This never occurred.
Did you fundamentally agree or disagree with your parents, and how did this affect you psychologically.
Very good upbringing. Closely bonded family that remains so to this day, values that align, parenting style was firmly in the authoritative camp...boundaries and rules, but one that always seemed reasonable, lots of trust as long as nothing was done to break that trust. High expectations, but not unreasonably or unrealistically so. Lots of emotional support.
In addition to that, I've always just really liked and admired the people they were and are. Any clashes were mild, minimal, and pretty developmentally appropriate, with teens testing boundaries.
My mom in particular was the universal mom for all my siblings' and my friends. We are in our 30s and 40s, and our childhood friends all call her Mama Jean.
In adulthood, I've come to terms with there being things I'd do (and am doing) differently than my parents did. But there's no harsh judgment. More just hindsight being 20/20. My parents agree on many things they'd do differently, if they got do-overs...but overall, they did great.
Very good upbringing. Closely bonded family that remains so to this day, values that align, parenting style was firmly in the authoritative camp...boundaries and rules, but one that always seemed reasonable, lots of trust as long as nothing was done to break that trust. High expectations, but not unreasonably or unrealistically so. Lots of emotional support.
In addition to that, I've always just really liked and admired the people they were and are. Any clashes were mild, minimal, and pretty developmentally appropriate, with teens testing boundaries.
My mom in particular was the universal mom for all my siblings' and my friends. We are in our 30s and 40s, and our childhood friends all call her Mama Jean.
In adulthood, I've come to terms with there being things I'd do (and am doing) differently than my parents did. But there's no harsh judgment. More just hindsight being 20/20. My parents agree on many things they'd do differently, if they got do-overs...but overall, they did great.
Well, too cool for school. My adolescence was framed by the '60's counterculture, so we're a different generation. I was forgiving of my parents' conservatism because the culture had changed more in those last 50 years than it had in hundreds of years prior to that. But you didn't have that to contend with, if I understand correctly.
Since my parents were the polar opposite of contemporary culture, I mistakenly thought they were “wrong” about everything. That they were old-fashioned & a dying breed.
I can promise you that if I would have listened to my parents; I would not be stuck how I am now, in a permanently life-mitigating situation.
It is very possible that if I had listened to my mother, in particular, way back in 1986 ... That the son I was to have in 2003 would not have become disabled in 2005.
It is without a doubt guaranteed that if I had been listening to them both, all along; that no matter what curve-balls life were to throw me ... I would have been better prepared & had the resources with which to weather the storm.
My parents were & dad still is (mom died last March) devout Catholics. My dad is a (ret) Air Force Colonel who was based in Intelligence out of the Pentagon. After the military he became a well liked city administrator. My mother was a research scientist, with a PhD in Biochemistry & a PhD in Immunology.
I used to try to pick fights with her over the whole Creationism vs Evolution subject too but I’m afraid she was way out of my league!
Annoyingly; she believed in both. When I asserted that hard science was disproving the existence of God; she very calmly mentioned that “The idea that science contradicts God is generally an Amateur’s mistake ...” She never discouraged us from studying science as it was presented in mainstream educational settings.
She would have actually been very upset if the schools taught Creationism; as she found fundamentalist Christianity to be counterintuitive.
Disagreement with my mother in all aspects of science, health & medicine became an almost comical debacle. I am an RN & therefore my scope of knowledge was highly influenced by public, political & even commercial interests.
Mom had much broader horizons & was on the front lines of some of those interests. There was “the 10 year rule” that drove me crazy:
“We are wrong about sugars!” I would roll my eyes & say “That’s ridiculous” 10 years later in the newspaper: “We were wrong about sugars!”
“We are wrong about Thyroid!” “No, Mom, we are not wrong”. 10 years later: “Major news from the NIH: We were wrong about Thyroid!”
Everything from Amino Acids to Fats, Cancers ... The funniest part is that she wouldn’t waste her breath arguing. I can still see her marching out of a room with her finger pointing up, saying “Mark ... my ... words!”
Well, too cool for school. My adolescence was framed by the '60's counterculture, so we're a different generation. I was forgiving of my parents' conservatism because the culture had changed more in those last 50 years than it had in hundreds of years prior to that. But you didn't have that to contend with, if I understand correctly.
Blank slate? Interesting moniker.
My parents are Boomers, and raised through the 50s/60s by more authoritarian, and somewhat cold and reserved parents. My mom in particular was subject to some draconian rules. I think that both of them strove to be more realistic, and definitely more warm and nurturing than they experienced. Neither of them are or were radical or counterculture or hippies or flower children or anything like that. They were still pretty straight edge. They just consciously took a different parenting approach than their parents did.
My parents are Boomers, and raised through the 50s/60s by more authoritarian, and somewhat cold and reserved parents. My mom in particular was subject to some draconian rules. I think that both of them strove to be more realistic, and definitely more warm and nurturing than they experienced. Neither of them are or were radical or counterculture or hippies or flower children or anything like that. They were still pretty straight edge. They just consciously took a different parenting approach than their parents did.
Yeah, your parents are my age. Looks to me like they did a good job. And your grandparents were like my parents. Makes sense.
I'm happy for people who got the moral and characterological leadership from their parents. That's the way it should be. I got that from books. More recently (yesterday actually, Feb. 20th) Michio Kaku released _The Future of Humanity: Terraforming Mars, Interstellar Travel, Immortality, and Our Destiny Beyond Earth_. Another book of recent publication (earlier in the month), Steven Pinker released _Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress_. And when I was young I read everything published by Russell and a host of others.
You can't get leadership from people who are, frankly, backwards and think, for example, that all educated people are fools, women's place is at home, etc.
I do understand it, and I forgive them for it. But I'm very resistant. It felt very much like they stopped loving me because I rebelled against their world view, though on reflection I don't think that's actually true.
Last edited by KaraZetterberg153; 02-21-2018 at 07:35 AM..
I had a well-intended, if flawed, upbringing. Quite overprotective (as parents of disabled children often are), insular and more religious than I would have liked, but love was at the heart of it all.
I learned very quickly not to disagree (out loud) or introduce any radical ideas that would divert the ship from its course. To this day I hide things, even from myself, mask my lack of confidence with an ever weakening layer of bluster and bravado, keep people at arm's length and avoid confrontations that may expose my true thoughts and feelings.
My late mother raised me with an attitude of 'us against the world.' Some days I need reminding that the world isn't necessarily my enemy.
I'm the youngest child of older parents, and I know that my older siblings have/had a much different relationship with our parents than I do. My parents are devout, but not strict Catholics, and are lifelong conservative Republicans (but more fiscally than socially conservative.) Despite our disagreements on politics and religion, my parents have always been kind, reasonable, and willing to do anything to take care of their family. I realize that I am lucky to have them.
My dad retired when I was in junior high, so it was then that he became less distant and stressed, though he did have his moments. We always joke about his strong stance on lying around in the common areas of the house ("Either sit up or go to bed!") He didn't come from an affectionate family, so he did the best he could. Mom was a traditional SAHM, and she was good at her job. She did always encourage her daughters to take advantage of all the cultural and educational opportunities that we had access to. We grew up in a house full of art and music, which was a great education as well.
Parents valued hard work, education for sure but they were A-HOLES about religion and honestly went out of their way to spoil anything positive going on.
I had a good childhood, dad was a miserable guy who had enough time to go to church every day yet no time for much else. He got stuck with a career path that definitely disappointed him on a personal level. Mom was a "brush everything under the rug" type personality yet sat in church pointing out everyone else's scandal!
Dad died early (self inflicted), younger siblings got a pass since they became raised by a "single mom" routine.....So for the next 25 years "single mom superhero" is still paying to support 2 siblings because at age 40+ your mom should be still paying your auto insurance and co-signing car loans because of your bad credit! Needless to say this is a sore spot in our relationship.
I had a very good run of success early on and then came their resentment.........If I had a time machine and could do it all over........I would have came home from the funeral, packed my stuff and moved on. My significant help over a 10+ year period was met with resentment later on so I would have utilized those 10 years to better myself instead, letting the single mom superhero and the siblings to really fend for themselves.
I had the perfect childhood. Seriously. But then, I was not a troublemaker. I really looked up to my parents, and never went through much of a rebellious phase. Over the years, I've become more liberal than they ever were, but I think that if they were still alive, we could discuss our differences civilly. And who knows, they were pretty flexible. I might even have been able to sway them to see things differently than they used to. My mom was in her mid-90s when the whole same-sex marriage debate started up. I am very pro-LGBT rights, and I was able to help my mother look at the situation differently than she had before.
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I really looked up to my parents, and never went through much of a rebellious phase. Over the years, I've become more liberal than they ever were, but I think that if they were still alive, we could discuss our differences civilly. And who knows, they were pretty flexible. I might even have been able to sway them to see things differently than they used to. My mom was in her mid-90s when the whole same-sex marriage debate started up. I am very pro-LGBT rights, and I was able to help my mother look at the situation differently than she had before.
