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Old 05-04-2018, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Well, even though our relationship is less than ideal, I do love my husband. We've been together for 22 years now. Being the quintessential narcissist, sometimes he is hard to deal with but despite his flaws, he is a good person. No one is perfect. I am just so tired of being physically and emotionally alone 24/7. It's heart-wrenching sometimes. I look at other people who have nice lives and I cannot even imagine what that would be like.
It is heart-wrenching, and it takes the shine off almost everything else you do in life.

It can make you bitter, which affects how you look at the world and other people. I do feel like at some point you must ask yourself if the life you are living is the life you want. Because you DO have some control over that. I do think you should examine whether you NEED to stay in this relationship that appears to be keeping you in this unfulfilling place.

I have a few quotes that got me through a recent traumatic year of my life in which my mom died unexpectedly and I divorced "a good person" who I also loved. They may resonate with you, too:

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live."

and

"Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. We walk away from bad situations not because we want others to realize our worth but because we finally realize our own."

I think that last one really may apply to your relationship with the man you married because, if he is a narcissist, you KNOW he will never acknowledge your worth. And your business partner refuses to, which has made you question yourself.

YOU have to realize your own worth and bring that forward if you want to feel wanted.
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Old 05-04-2018, 12:00 PM
 
21,716 posts, read 12,777,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I think you're right. It's definitely not necessarily sexual, though that can be part of it, and its great when it is. I was with my exh for 16 years and never experienced intimacy with him. The very word used to perplex me--I wondered exactly what it was supposed to mean.
It simply means there being someone in the world who knows and loves and cares about you and whom you know and love and care about, too. That person you check in with every day who would miss you if you didn't. Life can seem meaningless without a place for your love to go, however many casual friends you may have.


And, again, it doesn't have to be "sexual" (that's not the only kind of intimacy or even what psychologists mean by it). It can be any relationship at all.
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Old 05-04-2018, 12:53 PM
 
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Yes you can get intimacy from a friend or a relative or a pet but it's not the same as intimacy that is sexual. When you combine love and sex, the result is much greater than the others. Especially for older people, they have to be willing to work at this or it withers and dies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
It simply means there being someone in the world who knows and loves and cares about you and whom you know and love and care about, too. That person you check in with every day who would miss you if you didn't. Life can seem meaningless without a place for your love to go, however many casual friends you may have.


And, again, it doesn't have to be "sexual" (that's not the only kind of intimacy or even what psychologists mean by it). It can be any relationship at all.
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Old 05-04-2018, 12:54 PM
 
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Or sex can actually interfere with true intimacy. We've all experienced that, too. We're not just physical beings. The point is that we all need something -- and ideally someone -- to live for.
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Old 05-04-2018, 01:32 PM
 
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Sex can't interfere with intimacy if both are involved in giving and receiving pleasure. If both are satisfied, that's priceless. If there are technical difficulties those can be accepted as long as a solution is being worked on. I don't think it is healthy to need someone to live for. I think we need to live for ourselves and share that life with someone who also lives for themself but shares that life with you. That creates voluntary respect and sharing instead of resentment. I heard in the past that relationships need to be 50/50. My experience is they need to be 85/85.
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Or sex can actually interfere with true intimacy. We've all experienced that, too. We're not just physical beings. The point is that we all need something -- and ideally someone -- to live for.
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:08 PM
 
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I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. At some point in life, it isn't all about sex; there are very strong forms of love that have nothing to do with that. And by saying "someone to live for," I don't mean you can't live without them. It's just that without love and/or a special someone in your world, life can seem empty and meaningless.
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:59 PM
 
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I agree. It's not all about sex, but without it, a marriage is basically just a friendship. With sex and without love, it's just a hookup. Either is usually considered better than nothing but is not as good as it could be. Lots of married people have divorced and found they were happier being alone. I was a bachelor living alone for 7 years before I met my wife. Didn't date that often, didn't mind being alone. When I met my wife there were lots of problems, we still argue over nonsense all the time, but the love lasted. I know I've been lucky, but it took and still takes a lot of work on both of our parts. But anything worth keeping is worth working for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. At some point in life, it isn't all about sex; there are very strong forms of love that have nothing to do with that. And by saying "someone to live for," I don't mean you can't live without them. It's just that without love and/or a special someone in your world, life can seem empty and meaningless.
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:01 PM
 
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Yes, sex is important. What I'm saying is that this love connection - the being who brings meaning to your life -- doesn't have to be a sexual partner. To a parent, it can be a child; to a child, it can be a parent. It can be a sibling. It can be a friend or a neighbor. For some people, it's often a pet. For a few, it can even be a cause to which they devote their lives. We need meaning and purpose beyond just pleasure. I'm simply saying that it's important to love and be loved -- to both give and receive it -- in this world; without that, while life is survivable, it's pretty empty. I don't think I can put it any plainer than that. And I think a lot of people today in our society, for a lot of reasons, are missing that.
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:14 PM
 
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Agree with all that but I don't know anyone who has no friends, no friendly relatives, no pets, no one who they are happy to communicate with. I don't know how that would even be possible unless they were warehoused in a nursing home somewhere, or a prison, and had no friendly contact with anyone. I guess some people have a mental disorder that makes them become hermits and hate everyone. I don't even know if such a life is survivable. A lot of people live in senior housing or senior developments just to have a bit of social life at the clubhouse. The lonliest and most isolated people I know have at least one friend or relative they can talk to. Otherwise, I don't think they could survive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Yes, sex is important. What I'm saying is that this love connection - the being who brings meaning to your life -- doesn't have to be a sexual partner. To a parent, it can be a child; to a child, it can be a parent. It can be a sibling. It can be a friend or a neighbor. For some people, it's often a pet. For a few, it can even be a cause to which they devote their lives. We need meaning and purpose beyond just pleasure. I'm simply saying that it's important to love and be loved -- to both give and receive it -- in this world; without that, while life is survivable, it's pretty empty. I don't think I can put it any plainer than that. And I think a lot of people today in our society, for a lot of reasons, are missing that.

Last edited by bobspez; 05-04-2018 at 03:27 PM..
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:21 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,620,113 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Well, even though our relationship is less than ideal, I do love my husband. We've been together for 22 years now. Being the quintessential narcissist, sometimes he is hard to deal with but despite his flaws, he is a good person. No one is perfect. I am just so tired of being physically and emotionally alone 24/7. It's heart-wrenching sometimes. I look at other people who have nice lives and I cannot even imagine what that would be like.
Since you love your husband, and intimacy can be experienced in a love relationship, it seems like the key to your quest lies in expanding your marriage experience so that it will meet more of your needs.

I don't know why you and your husband don't have the kind of intimacy you crave - it could be due to a lot of reasons, but if he is willing, why not give couple's counseling a shot and see if there are changes you can both make that would result in a more mutually beneficial relationship.

The only other thing I can think of is "practicing acceptance" - loving "what is." "Living life on life's terms."

But if you have the option to expand your marriage relationship, you might be able to turn it into something more gratifying for you. Make a deal with your husband . . . if he will do "x" (whatever "x" is), you will do "y." Maybe you want flowers and deep conversation or someone to go to the movies with you. Maybe he wants someone to play a computer game with or to sky dive with . . . there must be something you can negotiate.
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