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Old 05-07-2018, 11:26 AM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,938 posts, read 31,079,407 times
Reputation: 47319

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveinMtAiry View Post
I am atheist but I try to be respectful of the church as I know how important it is to those with faith. But stories like this make me so angry. Your parents do not belong to a church, they belong to a cult no different than Scientology if they prevent you from any contact with non-believers.

Your parents have totally failed in raising you. They have given you a totally unnecessary handicap in life by retarding your development. Social skills are critical, it really pisses me off that they did not allow you to develop them. What parent thinks it's OK to have a child with zero social skills or friends?

It goes beyond saying that they have no right to be upset when you limit their access to your Facebook account. Seriously your parents remind me of those wack jobs in California who starved their kids. They starved you emotionally, at 33 you are still paying the price, and that's just as bad.
Exactly.

I don't even know why the OP wants to associate with them at this point. I know gay people who were raised like this. Almost all of them have either had to completely cut the family off or never talk about their personal lives. Some of the hard edge people like this do mellow out in time, but many don't and there's no reasoning with them.
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Old 05-07-2018, 11:28 AM
 
Location: The Republic of Gilead
12,716 posts, read 7,778,210 times
Reputation: 11328
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckeeesmom View Post
As I mentioned before, getting further away and having a lot of stuff to tell them when they call about other aspects of your life might be helpful. That way, you can have more to say to fill the time and hopefully avoid the grand inquisition about the parts of your life you don't want to discuss. Have an agenda of items to talk about in front of you when you call to check in with them. Set up a schedule to talk at a regular day/time such as Sunday evening. That way you are not surprised and not put in a position of lying. If they ask about dating, you can always be vague and say you haven't met anyone special etc. etc. When it finally does happen, you will have the choice of telling your parents with the support of your boyfriend behind you or just keeping the conversations with them off topic. To be honest, knowing how your parents are, I would not even consider crossing that bridge until you had a very serious relationship. The fall out is just not worth if for something less. I know this is kind of "kicking the can down the road" but I just don't get the feeling that you are ready for another beatdown or confrontation until you are stronger and feeling more confident and supported and have "come into your own."
This exactly. Thanks for understanding exactly where I currently am at. Ideally, I want to have this conversation with my parents once I am in a serious relationship. Doing so now at a time when I am still really trying to become comfortable with my sexuality again and get over the internalized homophobia from conversion therapy would not be wise. However, once I am in a committed relationship I have full confidence that I will be able to do it. It's very likely at that point they will give me an ultimatum; break up with my boyfriend or be estranged from the family. I won't make the same mistake twice.

However, in the interim I'm still going to have to juggle a double life which is likely to slow my progress when it comes to becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

One thing that would be very beneficial right now I think is to be able to have my own social media where I could be fully myself online. These days I have to censor myself on social media (I cannot like or comment on things that my parents might disagree with) and that has hampered my ability to maintain certain friendships. While I have restricted my parents' ability to see who I am friends with, they can still see what I like or comment on and I am not sure how to change that without unfriending them altogether. My current Facebook page is very evangelical. Thing is though, I tried setting up a second Facebook account once before and my parents ended up discovering it. I've also tried unfriending them and within minutes, my phone was ringing.
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Old 05-07-2018, 12:13 PM
 
569 posts, read 438,291 times
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It definitely sounds like they are keeping an eye on you. I am concerned about the affect that living like that for two more years will have on you. I strongly encourage you to make a budget and see what your expenses are and then use that as a basis to evaluate where else you can live on that budget. Sometimes spent living your life is worth more than money and living in one of your dream cities might be not as great as you think it is if it takes two more years of double life misery to get there. Just my opinion
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Old 05-07-2018, 12:20 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,659,779 times
Reputation: 54735
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618 View Post
This exactly. Thanks for understanding exactly where I currently am at. Ideally, I want to have this conversation with my parents once I am in a serious relationship. Doing so now at a time when I am still really trying to become comfortable with my sexuality again and get over the internalized homophobia from conversion therapy would not be wise. However, once I am in a committed relationship I have full confidence that I will be able to do it. It's very likely at that point they will give me an ultimatum; break up with my boyfriend or be estranged from the family. I won't make the same mistake twice.

However, in the interim I'm still going to have to juggle a double life which is likely to slow my progress when it comes to becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

One thing that would be very beneficial right now I think is to be able to have my own social media where I could be fully myself online. These days I have to censor myself on social media (I cannot like or comment on things that my parents might disagree with) and that has hampered my ability to maintain certain friendships. While I have restricted my parents' ability to see who I am friends with, they can still see what I like or comment on and I am not sure how to change that without unfriending them altogether. My current Facebook page is very evangelical. Thing is though, I tried setting up a second Facebook account once before and my parents ended up discovering it. I've also tried unfriending them and within minutes, my phone was ringing.
You seem so helpless.

You do not nee to wait until you are in a relationship to distance yourself from your toxic family. Why would you do that?

1. Stop answering the phone when they call.
2. If they stop by, tell them you are busy and close the door.
3. Open a new FB account and block them immediately (really this is a no brainer that makes me wonder if you are telling the truth about everything.)
4. Move to Tulsa and do not leave a forwarding address.

Honestly you are so enmeshed with these abusive people it's kind of unbelievable. Would you tell a battered wife to stay put until she has a new boyfriend? Use your HEAD.
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Old 05-07-2018, 03:40 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,978,903 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618 View Post
Sorry to hear this. This reminds me of something else my dad told me. He said that "I am putting up a wall between myself and everyone who has ever loved me" by choosing to be gay. Religious zealots have a different definition of "love" and it also seems like it's impossible for them to see anyone or anything for what it is instead of what it appears as through the lens of their religious worldview.




I do realize they aren't changing. Even if they appeared to lighten up I wouldn't trust them. Not after what happened. However, I have deep fear of the ultimate confrontation I'm going to have to have with them when they find out the therapy didn't work and that I'm still gay. I'm hoping to put it off until I leave Oklahoma or have a boyfriend, whatever comes first.

If it were me, I wouldn't tell them. They are preferring to keep their heads in the sand. Let their heads remain there, and when you get the opportunity, you go live your life. The whole thing has been toxic for you. You deserve to go and have a happy life, and you don't need to subject yourself to their vitriol again.


You came out once. That was brave. But now you know how they respond, and personally, I don't think you owe them another opportunity to cut you to the core like that. You don't owe them that.
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Old 05-07-2018, 04:18 PM
 
3 posts, read 1,298 times
Reputation: 15
Hi there, I am so sorry you had to put up with that hateful garbage disguised as love. The sad part is, your parents really believe they are helping you.


JESUS LOVES YOU TREMENDOULSY! Your parents do not know God or Jesus if they believe God hates you. That is A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. The devil wants you to believe that. The saddest part about ORGANIZED RELIGION is that it turns off the seeker. One person will read the bible take something from it, and turn it into a religion. There are actual religions that say if you aren't good enough, you wont get into heaven. That is a lie!! Throughout the old testament, people were not permitted to do things based on the LAW that a common man help write, but the Sadduces and Pharisees thought they better by telling people they won't inherit the kingdom of God because they thought they were following the letter to the T.


I know Jesus loves the sinner (Oh by the way I am a full fledged sinner). I am also a born again evangelical Christian. I have lead a sinful life. I have broken every commandment given to Moses. I know what the bibles says: it says In Christ I am free. Jesus came to set the captives (me with my sin a captive sinner) FREE!! If we put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ and what he stood for when he walked the earth: Born of a virgin birth, suffered the worse beating an innocent man could ever suffer, died on the cross, and rose again to fulfill the scriptures in 3 days. If we put our FAITH IN HIM Jesus Christ He will take us under his wings and protect us from the evil of the world. When we confess our sin to him, he takes it and drops it to the bottom of the ocean and FORGETS ABOUT IT. We like dogs after our own vomit are the ones who run back after our sin. The others like our parents and all the naysayers who want to tell us "told you so" or "where's your Jesus now?" will shut the MUTHA EFF up when they see the Light of Jesus shining in your eyes. Because God is that miraculous!! I wish we could talk on the phone so I can tell you where I've been and how Jesus saved my life from me. You are very much loved. Don't allow haters to walk all over you. Jesus came to set the captives free, I'm praying for you bro. My church is evangelical Christian, Calvary Chapel, our church is about Jesus, I pray you find a good bible believing church. One that takes you through the bible, word for word, because its reading the word of God that is going to help you MOST in the long run. Start at the book of John. By the way did I tell you? Jesus has a wallet, inside it is a beautiful picture of YOU!!! Never forget that, He died for you too.
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Old 05-07-2018, 04:35 PM
 
3 posts, read 1,298 times
Reputation: 15
For the record. I am not a Trump supporter also.
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Old 05-07-2018, 04:42 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,125 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618 View Post
I'm not living with my parents. Their hold on my life currently is more mental. They had complete control over my life down to policing my social media all the way until I was 30. I made my Facebook profile a little more private and ended up having a pretty big fight with them over that. I stood my ground though. I've made a lot of progress over the past year. I still keep up the facade in front of them but when they aren't around, I'm doing my own thing. I'm in a very different place now than I was in May 2017. I went to a gay bar last night and had a great time.

I've tried to find something for ex-gay survivors and came up empty. However, I'll definitely dig a little deeper and getting in touch with people who have gone through what I have (and actually believed in it like I did) would be beneficial.



I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and my dad was a preacher. Think Southern Baptist but on steroids. One of the key aspects of IFB doctrine is the "doctrine of separation" which forbids believers from associating with non-believers. I didn't develop normal social skills and in fact didn't have a social life at all until I moved out my parents' home at 22. I didn't have a single friend between age 12 and college. After that, it took a lot of time and trial and error to get to the point where I could socialize normally and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.

I also might have borderline aspeger's syndrome but that is a gray area. I have some mild symptoms of being on the spectrum but it isn't clear cut and many of those could also be caused by my upbringing.

I still deal with a lot of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia. I'm working through it, but it doesn't change over night. Right now I am learning how to flirt again and show a guy I'm interested (and how to respond when somebody else shows interest). I used to actually be pretty good at that but since conversion therapy I've had a difficult time with it.
OP, how is the bolded possible? How is it, that it only occurred to you to make your FB page more private, at age 30? How would you have agreed to allow them to monitor your social media, anyway? Was this an outgrowth of their monitoring your computer use in HS?

My only guess as to an answer to the question,-- an explanation for your extreme passivity-- is that years of domination over you, including religious abuse, rendered you traumatized and helpless to a large extent. Because, you know, it's not normal for parents to monitor an adult child's social media usage from afar. Or at all.
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Old 05-07-2018, 05:13 PM
 
Location: The Republic of Gilead
12,716 posts, read 7,778,210 times
Reputation: 11328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, how is the bolded possible? How is it, that it only occurred to you to make your FB page more private, at age 30? How would you have agreed to allow them to monitor your social media, anyway? Was this an outgrowth of their monitoring your computer use in HS?

My only guess as to an answer to the question,-- an explanation for your extreme passivity-- is that years of domination over you, including religious abuse, rendered you traumatized and helpless to a large extent. Because, you know, it's not normal for parents to monitor an adult child's social media usage from afar. Or at all.
Well it was more that I didn't have the guts to do it until then. I had tried restricting their access to my social media numerous times before, only to receive very harsh backlash. They would monitor my Facebook so closely that any time I would friend somebody, they would interrogate me about them. After the same-sex marriage SCOTUS decision in 2015, I liked a Christian article from Relevant magazine that wasn't supportive of the decision but was saying that Christians shouldn't throw a fit over it. Relevant is a moderate evangelical magazine that I used to really like when I was a believer. I received a call from my dad where he yelled at me about how God was going to destroy America because of the decision and how it hurts him that I believe that government can redefine what God already defined (marriage). My sister on the other hand changed her profile picture to a burning rainbow flag .

And yeah, I would say the intensity of my religious upbringing and the fact that my parents were unreasonably strict during my teenage years is largely responsible for a lot of this. I also lived at home during college which didn't help things. The IFB denomination places heavy emphasis on "breaking the will of a child" and children submitting fully to their parents' authority. Children also are not considered full adults until marriage.

Last edited by bawac34618; 05-07-2018 at 05:29 PM..
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Old 05-07-2018, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
11,981 posts, read 8,320,397 times
Reputation: 44613
Gentle, gentle, dear readers. Some of this advice, while well-meaning and probably good, is delivered in a cringe-worthy manner.

I think OP is harder on himself than anyone else in his life. I don't think he needs to be beat over the head with simplistic black or white viewpoints here. He has a gift for a somewhat complicated nuance. Allow him his process and have a little respect for his sense of direction. Wouldn't you?

I don't think anyone wants to be a substitute for those parental voices in his head that tell him he's doing it all wrong. Give that some consideration, yeah? With his list of "shoulds" do you really want to pile on?

We all heal best with feeling like we are in control of our choices and encouragement. I hope nobody is getting their own experiences mixed up with his. . . Yikes!
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