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Old 05-05-2018, 06:34 AM
 
Location: Minneapolis, MN
430 posts, read 332,572 times
Reputation: 649

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Long story short: 2010-2012 was NOT a good time and was a dark period for me. Lots of things were going on out of my control, my life was spiraling from semi-comfortable to homelessness in less than a months time, bullying was going on, and my mother and grandmother were taking their frustrations out on me since I was the oldest at the time in the form of screaming, yelling, unreasonable ass whuppings, objects spiked at, and straight up physically hitting me for getting close and "smart mouthed". By smart mouthed, that literally meant anything from talking back to asking why they were cutting the bolt to the power supply to simply asking when they (mom/granma) would be back from the food shelf. Literally [i]anything/I] verbally stated counted, so I thought it better to not speak. Four years later I was in another ****ty situation. This time I was getting harassed in school daily and, back home, I had no relief as my own family didn't even want to be seen in public because I was an "embarrassment/family ******". I was aware my mother was kicking me out when I graduated and had no money, no plans, no job, no good grades, no family to turn to, and no idea what the hell I would do.

Now my high school let military recruiters sit in the lunchroom weekly and one got to me. We'd talk and I saw the military as a way out, and a way to shape my stupid ass into a somewhat productive member of society. I liked what I heard, took an ASVAB, and enlisted soon after. I made some stupid decisions at 17, but enlisting when I wasn't ready was one I still regret today.

Prior history I never disclosed got me discharged with a DQ for, well, life (my ex-recruiter wanted to read it and explained the discharge papers). I know now that had I waited a year, just one ****ing year, I wouldn't have had an issue and been more than ready. I feel that, at that point, my juvenile **** would have been pointless to look at and I would've been good. But that's not the case and I ****ed up big time. I even had the chance in reception in back out and try again and my dumbass thought "well I'd have to go back home and deal with being seen as a failure again" so I shrugged it off and kept marching on. But I didn't and I got sent home feeling like an even bigger failure than I could have potentially felt like and I hate it. I have a DD214 I don't even want, or ever used, and want to just get rid of it to remove the evidence but the memory is still there. It's been four years and I'm STILL battling the feelings of guilt, failure, embarrassment, and overall disappointment in myself.

Messed up part is I'm doing things now that 17/18yo me never dreamed of. I have the cat I've always wanted, my own car and place, a PS2/PS4 with a cool smart TV. I have credit that's only going up and I'm making pretty good money considering my lack of experience. I should be ****ing happy and unconcerned with the military part, but seeing people going to drill at the unit near my house reminded me that I'm not over it. I saw them and felt a surge of "I could be with them. Going into that base for whatever reason."
and I don't know why I still feel that **** four. Years. LATER.

Look I know this is long and probably me venting some much needed frustration out, but I'm so bothered by this years later. Any possible insight as to why, in 2018, am I still bothered by my inability to complete the most basic of things required for military service. Why can't I let this go on and be able to go about my life? It's not even something I want as a career, for crying out loud, I want to be a veterinarian!
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Old 05-06-2018, 07:48 PM
 
4,242 posts, read 942,048 times
Reputation: 6189
K_Chris, I can tell what a painful time in your life this was, and how hard it is for you to find a way to understand and accept it now. When you talk about how abusive your family was, as well as the harassment you experienced in your school, I really feel for you. This is hardly the way a young person would want to move forward into adulthood - I can only imagine how desperate you must have felt to get away from your situation, and I'm guessing also that you were still trying to figure out who you were, where you were going, and how to feel about yourself.

We all have experiences in our youth that we regret, wish had been different, have some shame about. I think that something that is key is learning to accept our vulnerable selves, to know that we all make mistakes and that all we need to do is to learn from them for the future. I have no doubt that if you were to go back now and redo that year in the military, it would be very different. However, there's absolutely no need to prove yourself in that way - you can forge ahead and use your experiences to be successful in other ways. Vet school is as hard as the military, in my opinion - so that will definitely provide you with new challenges, ones you're more prepared for.

I also want to put in a plug for therapy - sometimes talking with someone who understands how to help people get through difficult life situations can be a huge help - it has been for me.

Best wishes to you!
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:17 AM
 
Location: Northern Maine
5,466 posts, read 3,043,844 times
Reputation: 8011
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Chris View Post
Long story short: 2010-2012 was NOT a good time and was a dark period for me. Lots of things were going on out of my control, my life was spiraling from semi-comfortable to homelessness in less than a months time, bullying was going on, and my mother and grandmother were taking their frustrations out on me since I was the oldest at the time in the form of screaming, yelling, unreasonable ass whuppings, objects spiked at, and straight up physically hitting me for getting close and "smart mouthed". By smart mouthed, that literally meant anything from talking back to asking why they were cutting the bolt to the power supply to simply asking when they (mom/granma) would be back from the food shelf. Literally [i]anything/I] verbally stated counted, so I thought it better to not speak. Four years later I was in another ****ty situation. This time I was getting harassed in school daily and, back home, I had no relief as my own family didn't even want to be seen in public because I was an "embarrassment/family ******". I was aware my mother was kicking me out when I graduated and had no money, no plans, no job, no good grades, no family to turn to, and no idea what the hell I would do.

Now my high school let military recruiters sit in the lunchroom weekly and one got to me. We'd talk and I saw the military as a way out, and a way to shape my stupid ass into a somewhat productive member of society. I liked what I heard, took an ASVAB, and enlisted soon after. I made some stupid decisions at 17, but enlisting when I wasn't ready was one I still regret today.

Prior history I never disclosed got me discharged with a DQ for, well, life (my ex-recruiter wanted to read it and explained the discharge papers). I know now that had I waited a year, just one ****ing year, I wouldn't have had an issue and been more than ready. I feel that, at that point, my juvenile **** would have been pointless to look at and I would've been good. But that's not the case and I ****ed up big time. I even had the chance in reception in back out and try again and my dumbass thought "well I'd have to go back home and deal with being seen as a failure again" so I shrugged it off and kept marching on. But I didn't and I got sent home feeling like an even bigger failure than I could have potentially felt like and I hate it. I have a DD214 I don't even want, or ever used, and want to just get rid of it to remove the evidence but the memory is still there. It's been four years and I'm STILL battling the feelings of guilt, failure, embarrassment, and overall disappointment in myself.

Messed up part is I'm doing things now that 17/18yo me never dreamed of. I have the cat I've always wanted, my own car and place, a PS2/PS4 with a cool smart TV. I have credit that's only going up and I'm making pretty good money considering my lack of experience. I should be ****ing happy and unconcerned with the military part, but seeing people going to drill at the unit near my house reminded me that I'm not over it. I saw them and felt a surge of "I could be with them. Going into that base for whatever reason."
and I don't know why I still feel that **** four. Years. LATER.

Look I know this is long and probably me venting some much needed frustration out, but I'm so bothered by this years later. Any possible insight as to why, in 2018, am I still bothered by my inability to complete the most basic of things required for military service. Why can't I let this go on and be able to go about my life? It's not even something I want as a career, for crying out loud, I want to be a veterinarian!
Guilt is how the ego rakes you over the coals and prevents you from moving forward.
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