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The fact that your father actually paid child support for 10 years says something good about him. At least he performed a part of his responsibility.
You really have only half the story. Perhaps your mother has colored the story to make herself sound better. Maybe you should try to find out more about your father to see if you can change some of your negative feelings about him. It might actually make you feel a bit better. Perhaps google his name. If he’s dead, an obit can tell a story about him.
Hateful feelings are not good for your health, both physical and emotional.
My "father" kicked out my mom when she was pregnant.
Divorce soon followed. He paid small amount of child support for 10 years. Never seen me or cared what happens to me.
My situation is common (which is sad).
My issue is that I cannot get over my hatred for the sperm donor. I just hate him and wish him death. I don't know if he is dead or alive in real life.
Tips on how to overcome this?
First understand that hate is corrosive. The person who suffers the most for hate of your father is.......you.
Now if you are a smart person , at least as smart as a gnat, then you will stop pouring corrosive acid on your soul.
Now as silly as this might sound you are the one holding that bottle of acid. Set it down. Walk away. Live your life to the full. You will only get one shot to do this right........for yourself and all those who know you. Don't waste it.
First understand that hate is corrosive. The person who suffers the most for hate of your father is.......you.
Wrong. I speak from personal experience, and I am 66. I've have wonderful children who were raised in a loving environment, successful and who have kids of their own. My disgust and hate for my sperm donor has nothing to do how I lived my live, or my well being and mindfulness.
Wrong. I speak from personal experience, and I am 66. I've have wonderful children who were raised in a loving environment, successful and who have kids of their own. My disgust and hate for my sperm donor has nothing to do how I lived my live, or my well being and mindfulness.
You are repeating a meme which just is not true.
Here we go again! Another person who doesn't understand good faith.
It's clear that hate has twisted your soul concerning your father. It matters not, and never will, to harbor this kind of hate. You give your hate life. Yes, you do. This kind of baggage is a drag on your life you , and no one else, can afford.
Now some will say I don't know this kind of hate. Wrong!! My father didn't care about me and my step father damn near killed me as a little boy. However, I learned that hate will only harm those who hate. No one else. People that hate won't get one bit of peace from other people 'cause ...............It's not their problem.
At 66 it's a great sadness to learn that you never got smart enough to drop the hate and walk away. Revenge belongs to the Lord so let Him handle it.
People now understand that there is something way, way worse than Hell could ever be. What is that? Oblivion. The erasure of the soul into nothingness. The soul sentenced to oblivion never existed. His/her name will never be known or spoken. They will never have heirs to carry on their genes or family name. I'd be very careful If I were you. The kind of hate you're dragging around get very close to a sentence to oblivion.
Here we go again! Another person who doesn't understand good faith.
Faith requires to be religious. I'm an atheist; I don't believe in fairy tales for adults.
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It's clear that hate has twisted your soul concerning your father. It matters not, and never will, to harbor this kind of hate. You give your hate life. Yes, you do. This kind of baggage is a drag on your life you , and no one else, can afford.
Soul is a concept invented by the religious. I'm an atheist, and deal in reality. There is no such thing as a soul.
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Now some will say I don't know this kind of hate. Wrong!! My father didn't care about me and my step father damn near killed me as a little boy. However, I learned that hate will only harm those who hate. No one else. People that hate won't get one bit of peace from other people 'cause ...............It's not their problem.
Glad your way worked for you. My way worked for me, my children and the ones I love.
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At 66 it's a great sadness to learn that you never got smart enough to drop the hate and walk away. Revenge belongs to the Lord so let Him handle it.
"The Lord",... again with these figment of the imaginations of bronzed aged, illiterate, superstitious, itinerant desert dwelling goat herders. Your "lord" has no relevance to me, and don't try and make it so. You're free to conceptualize any fantasies you want for yourself, but do not try an impose them or judge others who do not subscribe to your beliefs.
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People now understand that there is something way, way worse than Hell could ever be. What is that? Oblivion. The erasure of the soul into nothingness. The soul sentenced to oblivion never existed. His/her name will never be known or spoken. They will never have heirs to carry on their genes or family name. I'd be very careful If I were you. The kind of hate you're dragging around get very close to a sentence to oblivion.
Stop already with the proselytizing. It's useless to anyone but yourself.
Are you kidding me I was raped and beaten for 6 years, then after serving only two years and getting all sorts of help landed a good job . We got no child support, no help, lived in poverty. I would have been much better off having no father at all who actually payed child support.
Clearly I was referencing the OP's story, not you or anyone else who has been raped and beaten by their own father.
You're more than welcome to make a thread about your rare and tragic personal anecdote. This thread is about the OP and his father. Hence the majority of posts stating how harmful hate can be.
Even in your situation, why do you "hate" someone who has no relevance to your life and whom you have never met? That's all he was....a SPERM DONOR. Stop putting energy in hating him.
And like another post said, there maybe three sides to this story...your mother's side, your sperm donor's side, and the side in the middle which hides the truth.
In all honesty, other people's "sides of the story" really DON'T matter. Whether there are two perspectives, three perspectives, a bunch of grey in the middle, which there always is...what really matters is the OP and whether their feelings are serving any helpful, adaptive, or productive purpose.
It really doesn't matter if the OP's dad "isn't such a bad guy after all," which is of course anybody's matter of opinion, and not really something that can be measured in any type of meaningful way. What matters is that the OP is entertaining emotions that may be helpful to him/her, or may be destructive to him/her. And that's what is really most important for the OP to look at. If the feelings of hatred aren't serving any productive purpose and are hindering growth and functionality, the OP needs to learn how to make personal peace with the situation. That may or may not be forgiving anybody. But it will involve not ruminating on slights, real or perceived, long after the fact when nothing productive can come of it anyway.
People who hold on to old resentments and hate continue to be influenced by that hate. It is much better to let it go. It takes a lot of energy to sustain old negativity!
It also affects the way you "look" to other people. Angry resentful people look more like ogres than those who let hate go.
I can relate to this story. My father and I never had much of a relationship. He openly favored my sister and constantly fawned over everything she did. My parents also got a divorce when I was young and I was relieved he wasn’t in the house. I got sick of their arguments constantly. I never hated him, just was indifferent. He remarried and then wanted a relationship after I was in my 30’s by then I was over it. Nothing can erase bad memories that’s true. Maybe you can find a place of indifference instead of hatred. It’s not good for you to carry this around and be consumed by it. Maybe a talk with a counselor would be helpful?
(my problem was the hatred i harbored for my mother, and she had recently died, and still i had this vehement hatred burning me up) i knew a great man, an indian shaman, and you can do this to, whether he's still alive or not.
You realize that this was a very unhappy person, probably much self hatred, low self esteem..... you have to see them as broken people.... and i knew my mother was badly abused as a child, so when her life didn't turn out like her sisters, she was angry, depressed, stuck in a marriage to man she considered "beneath" her..... and she made him pay for his unworthiness every day of her life.... and if he wasn't around (listen, i did not begrudge this man his beer or the time spent in bars, he needed to chill, be with friends, have a life outside of work, which ate him up tool.... he had a high high stress job, was only a cop, didn't make much, but at least he could relax, get his buzz, come home, and fall asleep in his chair, just to avoid her)....She took out on me her own self loathing, i was so deeply abandoned even as a baby, spending days in soaked diapers, never fed or held until dad got home from the round the clock shifts.....
look, intellectually i could understand the grief in her life, but i couldn't emotionally handle the abuse, the beatings, the vicious name calling..... when she died, i had to go see her body before they put her in the coffin..... she was on a bed of ice, under a white sheet. i literally had to touch her and feel the ice of death to know she no longer could hurt me.
And that wise indian shaman told me that when people die, they return into the arms of the great universe, they are whole again, they are not the broken people they were, they are now full of the love of the universe, at peace and now willing to love, be part of that greater love..... so i was able to think that, see that, feel that, forgive her for her damaged self..... he said to talk to her every day, to that mother i now had, who loved me greatly and wasn't the same entity she was during her life.
Truly, this was mind blowing for me..... I do have the mother who i wished i had, i know i am lovable and worthy of love, and i never ever knew that for 50 years..... and i give that love away unconditionally..... here is a little video i would love to share with you.... look, you can spend your life in unhappy anger, in pain, miserable and hating and in torment.... of you can try to live your life giving love..... try to do this Jayden..... find ways to volunteer and be the man in children's lives who had dads just like yours.... find peace with your own dad, be he alive or dead. And like this little boy, named Austen, DON'T FORGET TO SHOW THE LOVE. This is how you will come to forgive Jayden. None of us is a perfect being, many are less than perfect, but they have wounds and scars and pain you can't see and don't know of. Be compassionate toward all Jayden, and in the doing of kindness, you will find yourself forgiving that man who probably needs kindness more than most. bright blessings.
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