I hate being watched or observed. Any advice for this? (anxiety, therapy)
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I'm a 20 year old male. I decided that I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone. I went out for a short walk around my neighborhood just now. I notice I have this intense fear of being watched or looked at. During my walk I had cars riding by. I hate when cars ride by me because I feel like the person driving or the people in the car are looking at me and judging me. I had to walk near an intersection to get back to my house. I don't like when cars are stopped at an intersection and I have to cross, because I feel like everyone in their vehicles are staring at me and judging me. Judging the way I walk. Them sensing or noticing that I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and judging me for it.
I also have a fear of catching my neighbors sitting on their porch. I didn't catch anyone sitting on their porch during my walk. However, I have these thoughts like "What if I see my neighbors sitting on their porch? Should I say hello to them? Should I wave? What if they ignore me? What if I don't speak and they think I'm ignorant or rude? What if they think I'm weird?" I don't like being observed by people. It makes me uncomfortable.
Whenever my father observes me doing something he always judges or makes fun of the way I walk. He tells me I walk very stiff. Because of that I'm self-conscious of the way I walk. I always feel like people are judging the way I walk. He gives me a hard time and gets angry with me for looking nervous or uncomfortable when we're out sometimes. This is why I always feel like people can sense that I'm nervous and are going to judge me negatively.
My father always tells me, "You have to always watch your surroundings when you're out. You have to walk with your head up and your chest out. You have to man up and toughen up. You have to appear strong. You can't appear weak or scared, because people will try to harm you if you appear vulnerable." This is why I'm always a little paranoid when I'm out of my house or being watched by people, because I don't want them to think I'm weak and I don't want them to treat me like I'm nothing because of it or try to harm me.
Sorry if this is all over the place, but all in all I hate being watched or observed by people. This stems from a lot of the things my father tells me.
I'm a 20 year old male. I decided that I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone. I went out for a short walk around my neighborhood just now. I notice I have this intense fear of being watched or looked at. During my walk I had cars riding by. I hate when cars ride by me because I feel like the person driving or the people in the car are looking at me and judging me. I had to walk near an intersection to get back to my house. I don't like when cars are stopped at an intersection and I have to cross, because I feel like everyone in their vehicles are staring at me and judging me. Judging the way I walk. Them sensing or noticing that I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and judging me for it.
I also have a fear of catching my neighbors sitting on their porch. I didn't catch anyone sitting on their porch during my walk. However, I have these thoughts like "What if I see my neighbors sitting on their porch? Should I say hello to them? Should I wave? What if they ignore me? What if I don't speak and they think I'm ignorant or rude? What if they think I'm weird?" I don't like being observed by people. It makes me uncomfortable.
Whenever my father observes me doing something he always judges or makes fun of the way I walk. He tells me I walk very stiff. Because of that I'm self-conscious of the way I walk. I always feel like people are judging the way I walk. He gives me a hard time and gets angry with me for looking nervous or uncomfortable when we're out sometimes. This is why I always feel like people can sense that I'm nervous and are going to judge me negatively.
My father always tells me, "You have to always watch your surroundings when you're out. You have to walk with your head up and your chest out. You have to man up and toughen up. You have to appear strong. You can't appear weak or scared, because people will try to harm you if you appear vulnerable." This is why I'm always a little paranoid when I'm out of my house or being watched by people, because I don't want them to think I'm weak and I don't want them to treat me like I'm nothing because of it or try to harm me.
Sorry if this is all over the place, but all in all I hate being watched or observed by people. This stems from a lot of the things my father tells me.
Any advice would be appreciated.
You say you are 20...a student or do your work or what. Your behavior to ME is strange, and my only suggestion is therapy for your sanity. We are forever watched looked at all our lives or we can become a hermit.
Your father has probably "taught" you to be more suspicious and self-conscious than you might have been naturally. He probably criticized you constantly too.
My dad was somewhat like this. He didn't trust anyone and expected the worst from every new person he met. Everyone was out to cheat him, hurt him, take advantage of him. He was constantly warning his kids about everything. Over time I realized that this just wasn't happening to him or to us. I learned to make my own decisions about others, reminding myself of all the situations when NOTHING bad happened. When you take that walk next time, notice how many of those cars, those neighbors do absolutely NOTHING bad to you as you go by. Observe that they are not paying attention to you, don't even look your way. If you make an effort to listen to other voices besides your own, you can see a more balanced world.
While it's not going to help your anxiety, the truth is that most people walking and driving around are thinking about themselves and not worrying about or judging random strangers taking a stroll.
Your dad probably wasn't intending to give you a complex about walking confidently, but do you have the kind of relationship where you can talk to him about it, or at least tell him to lay off?
Hmm. How long has your dad been hounding you about this? Adolescence or your entire life?
I don’t think your feelings are odd, per se because I’m the same way. I’m an aspie (aspergers), have a 23 year old son who is an aspie & a 14 year old autistic son.
It’s not that I hate people it’s just this feeling of being called on to spontaneously ... interact ... that I hate. Sometimes I step outside to walk the dog, see a neighbor putzing around in their front yard & think “Oh no! Did they see me? Maybe I should go back in ...”
I’ve been known to yell “NO!” When my phone rings. I’m a mess. But you have to practice interacting some. Build a script. Many, many scripts.
Your dad is probably reacting to your behavior vs you behaving like this because he “made you” insecure. And he’s not wrong about your body language lending towards you being very vulnerable. No; there is not a human predator lurking on every porch, weeding their yard or getting the mail but they are out there & your body language is screaming “pick me”.
The only way to “front” (because in reality you may never be a natural extrovert) is to practice. You will enjoy the confidence that comes with it. Start with a wave & a smile & you will be able to walk down the sidewalk in a much more casual manner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano
Be glad you’re not a woman wearing yoga pants.
Haha! Yes; as previously discussed here on CD: If you are a woman in yoga pants & you feel as if everybody’s staring? That is not paranoia, that’s reality.
You say you are 20...a student or do your work or what. Your behavior to ME is strange, and my only suggestion is therapy for your sanity. We are forever watched looked at all our lives or we can become a hermit.
Yes I am a student. I don't work. I would like to work though. I'm trying to get the courage to apply for jobs, but fear is holding me back. I have social anxiety. I always feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I want to get a job in customer service, because I think it could help me bring me out of my shell, but it's so hard to get the courage to face my fear and just apply.
Yes I am a student. I don't work. I would like to work though. I'm trying to get the courage to apply for jobs, but fear is holding me back. I have social anxiety. I always feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I want to get a job in customer service, because I think it could help me bring me out of my shell, but it's so hard to get the courage to face my fear and just apply.
If you are still in school, don't people look at you while at school, don't you have friends. Look around for a part time job to start since you are still in school, and I guess you mean college. Spread your wings and learn to fly.
My father thought everyone was out to get him. Good thing I learned to fly..
Yes I am a student. I don't work. I would like to work though. I'm trying to get the courage to apply for jobs, but fear is holding me back. I have social anxiety. I always feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I want to get a job in customer service, because I think it could help me bring me out of my shell, but it's so hard to get the courage to face my fear and just apply.
May I suggest a book for you to read? I'm 42 now and I once struggled with similar fears as a youth and was harassed throughout middle and high school - but as I realized later, it was only because I, MYSELF, allowed that to happen.
The honest truth is that there are some people who WILL judge you. However, the question you have to ask yourself, is why do you care? Often, those that do judge others are those who lack for something in their own lives, probably lacking for attention or admiration, or something like that. Think long and hard about the "why" for every negative thing you face - why does it matter to you if someone does in fact judge you for something you did? The moment you realize that your self-worth doesn't have to be tied to the opinions of others, you'll be able to bust out of that shell and become the person you want to be.
The book I just recently read is called the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. It's a fantastic book that describes people who are successful, and why. One of the major statements in the book isn't anything incredibly profound, but something that anyone at any age would really benefit from understanding.
Paraphrasing - "In between a stimulus and a response, there's a pause. Within that pause, is the opportunity for you to CHOOSE your response". If you are confronted with your father who pokes at something you do, take time before you react and think about what you're hearing and try to decide that it doesn't bother you - that you like the way you walk just fine. I know it's tough to have a loved one say things that aren't positive, but you can choose to mentally walk away from the negativity.
As a student, you may have identified ways where you know you learn better, either by reading or by listening - I am an auditory learner, so I got the audiobook of the 7 habits, and it really changed my outlook on things - and this was just in the last 6 months. You've got a lot more time, and you probably have more resolve than you believe you're capable of.
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