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I think that it MIGHT be a way of forestalling "killing the messenger" (you). If we let people know that we are sorry something happened -- even if it wasn't our fault -- perhaps it is with the hope, unconscious or not, that people will be less likely to unjustly take their disappointment or anger out on you. I also think it is a way of "making nice" -- hoping that someone will think you're a nice person.
But most often, I think this (unnecessary apologizing) is just learned behavior and not a conscious choice (And, yes, I do agree that women apologize more than men -- maybe because we have been "taught" to be the peace-makers?)
You have to ask yourself the question if you feel some level of fear or anxiety when you are apologizing. Then it could be that your behavior is coming out of a place of low self esteem and perhaps thinking others are better than you. You may overly fear they won't like you and so you apologize often. You may fear making them mad or fear confrontation.
If you really don't feel fear when apologizing then maybe this is just something you are in the habit of doing to be cordial to people. It could be that you feel empathy and consideration towards people and are sensitive to any ways that you might inconvenience or offend them, and you don't want to make them feel badly. It's not fear-based but more empathy or compassion based.
I think the first example certainly does happen. I don't see the example in the second paragraph as a big problem, particularly when dealing with people in many circumstances (such as a customer service kind of interaction). Take the example someone said about saying "Sorry I can't help you." This will go over better than "I can't help you", which sounds more curt and short. You're right that adding "sorry" is usually more about showing compassion, rather than weakness or low self esteem. It's usually better to err on being more polite rather than less.
There are a few exceptions. A traffic attorney would advise never immediately saying "I'm sorry" to the other driver when you get in a fender bender as this could be construed by the other driver's insurance company as admitting fault to the accident and held against the one who said it.
You have to ask yourself the question if you feel some level of fear or anxiety when you are apologizing. Then it could be that your behavior is coming out of a place of low self esteem and perhaps thinking others are better than you. You may overly fear they won't like you and so you apologize often. You may fear making them mad or fear confrontation.
If you really don't feel fear when apologizing then maybe this is just something you are in the habit of doing to be cordial to people. It could be that you feel empathy and consideration towards people and are sensitive to any ways that you might inconvenience or offend them, and you don't want to make them feel badly. It's not fear-based but more empathy or compassion based.
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Originally Posted by katharsis
I think that it MIGHT be a way of forestalling "killing the messenger" (you). If we let people know that we are sorry something happened -- even if it wasn't our fault -- perhaps it is with the hope, unconscious or not, that people will be less likely to unjustly take their disappointment or anger out on you. I also think it is a way of "making nice" -- hoping that someone will think you're a nice person.
But most often, I think this (unnecessary apologizing) is just learned behavior and not a conscious choice (And, yes, I do agree that women apologize more than men -- maybe because we have been "taught" to be the peace-makers?)
I think these two posts sum up the situation perfectly, at least as it applies to me. I've always been one to obsess about how others percieve me, so that could explain why I do this.
Have you ever found yourself apologizing for things that were not your fault? Any idea why some of us have a tendency to do this?
For example, say you teach a class. Twice you cancelled class due to bad weather and twice more because not enough people showed up. Then at the end you apologize for having cancelled so much. Why? All of those things were beyond your control.
Apologies are not necessarily about taking ownership of blame. Sometimes they are expressing sympathy/empathy for another's hardship, inconvenience, or otherwise negative experience. It is saying, "I feel badly that this happened that harmed/disappointed/inconvenienced/whatever you." Not, "The fault is mine."
In that case, you're apologizing that the schedule was disrupted. Not taking blame.
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Or somebody asks a question and you don't know the answer. You say, "Sorry, I can't help you." Why are you sorry?
In this case, you are expressing that you wish you could help. Not taking blame.
Funny, that just reminds me...last week a woman asked if I had a lighter and instinctively I said, "Sorry, I don't smoke". Immediately after I said it I thought, "No, I'm NOT sorry about that. I'm GLAD I don't smoke".
In an attempt to express compassion for someone, I might say, "I'm so sorry your child is sick," or "I'm sorry you've had such a hard time lately."
Usually people acknowledge it as a statement of compassion, but occasionally someone has said, "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault."
I never quite know how to respond to that (I just let it go). Are they reassuring me that I'm not responsible for their distress? Are they letting me know that they'll be okay? Is it annoying when someone uses "I'm sorry" in this way?
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I will be sure to remember that next time I am feeling bad things didn't work out:
