How to avoid depression/unhappiness (depressed, issues, problems, emotion)

[KaraZetterberg153]

So many people post in this forum who seem to be so unhappy; personal problems of all kinds, problems with family, problems with love. But it seems to me sometimes that the person is just, really, bored. They are not doing anything that makes them hapoy, they're just ruminating over the behavior of this or that person. And it's pointless because you can't change people. And you shouldn't put your life on hold, waiting for them to change.

I am not qualified to evaluate anyone but I wonder if often it would help to set the ruminating aside for a moment and figure out what would really bring joy into their life. It could be anything: rollerskating, bicycling, cooking, playing music, whatever made them happy as a child. I firmly believe that everyone has gifts. You have to find what makes you happy and pursue it. And tell people, if they're not going to be sweet to you, they can't be in your life.

[shanv3]

I just read your beautiful post on my other thread. I agree we cant change people , but does that mean we cant change ourselves , since we are also people?

[LesLucid]

I don’t believe constant happiness is any more normal than constant unhappiness. I will say however that my life has recently changed for the better. I recently had successful spinal surgery and my motivation for doing things (just anything) has increased dramatically. All I could think about over the past several years was just stopping whatever I was doing so I could try and get comfortable. A lot of people have chronic pain that dominates most of their waking hours and, despite their best efforts, really plays a big part in how people feel and react to things. Everything else just seems bad under those conditions.

[DownEastB]

I escaped a long cycle of helplessness and low self-esteem by doing three things:
1. Cutting negative/toxic people out of my life
2. Investing in positive/supportive relationships
3. Finding hobbies that take years to get good at doing (for me that's painting, learning languages, and archery)

Am I 100% happy all the time now? Of course not, nobody is. But the difference in the old vs. new me is like night and day.

[KaraZetterberg153]

Originally Posted by shanv3

I just read your beautiful post on my other thread. I agree we cant change people , but does that mean we cant change ourselves , since we are also people?

No, ourselves is the only thing we *can* change!

[Joe the Photog]

You're almost asking two different questions. There is a difference between depression and unhappiness, but you are lumping the two of them together as if they are the same thing. he American Psychiatric Assocition defines depression as

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

source -- https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-...-is-depression

It's a real thing for a lot of people, myself included. I take some offense at it being included in with unhappiness which is typically a fleeting feeling that will eventually -- usually -- pass. Depression is a medical condition; unhappiness is a feeling. Unhappiness is also a symptom of depression. Admittedly, on my worse days, I might try to find a reason for my depression. I've had a lot of medical issues over the last years. My marriage is over. My car is broken down and I can't get out like I used to. Those things all make my unhappy. But a lot of time I am depressed for no clear reason. Yet even then, I still look for reasons why I am depressed. You might say I ruminate over them.

Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153

So many people post in this forum who seem to be so unhappy; personal problems of all kinds, problems with family, problems with love.

Depressed people have the same issues that everyone else has. I just told you some of mine. So it stands to reason they might come here to talk about those issues.

Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153

But it seems to me sometimes that the person is just, really, bored. They are not doing anything that makes them hapoy, they're just ruminating over the behavior of this or that person. And it's pointless because you can't change people. And you shouldn't put your life on hold, waiting for them to change.

You're making this judgement from a few posts in a public forum which is odd because then you say this --

Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153

I am not qualified to evaluate anyone but

You're not qualified to evaluate them, but that's exactly what you've done so far.

Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153

I wonder if often it would help to set the ruminating aside for a moment and figure out what would really bring joy into their life. It could be anything: rollerskating, bicycling, cooking, playing music, whatever made them happy as a child.

I find this to be very irritating. I've had so many people tell me "do what makes you happy!" As if it were that simple. Depression robs you of motivation, for one thing. They also used to tell me to "go for a wakl and enjoy some fresh air." What they are saying, and you in your post, is that we're not actually depressed. We're just too stupid to realize all we need to do is go for a walk or go roller skating.

Please never tell anyone you know and love who is depressed to "bring joy to their lives." It's almost shaming that person. Don't make assumptions about people going through serious medical conditions and don't confuse depression with sadness.

Because we associate depression with its primary symptom of pervasive sadness, many of us struggle to tell the difference between these two common psychological states.

This is a huge problem.

Our confusion can lead us to neglect a serious condition that requires treatment (depression) or, on the other end of the spectrum, overreact to a normative emotional state (sadness). And here's why the distinction is crucial: If we (or a loved one) are depressed, it has huge implications for our long-term mental health, physical health, and longevity.

So says Guy Winch Ph.D. at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...and-depression

[Rocko20]

There are many reason why someone could be unhappy, pessimistic, or depressed. Money problems, debt, kid problems, divorce, underemployed, hating their job, hating their current location, midlife crisis, tragic event, losing a loved one, etc.

The key is to find a reason or purpose for living life. It doesn't necessary have to be a hobby, just something that provides meaning and joy. It could be your spouse, kids, family, working out, fishing, golfing, traveling, just something that says "this is my purpose in life and I will not waste it on depression."

[Joe the Photog]

Originally Posted by Rocko20

The key is to find a reason or purpose for living life. It doesn't necessary have to be a hobby, just something that provides meaning and joy. It could be your spouse, kids, family, working out, fishing, golfing, traveling, just something that says "this is my purpose in life and I will not waste it on depression."

We look for easy solutions to major life problems. I'm not saying don't do things you like to do, but if you've got a serious medical condition such as depression, fishing or rolling skating alone is not going to cure the issue. For those lucky folks who have never felt true depression, first, I'm very glad for you. But you can't really understand what a depressed person feels inside. And telling them to "find a hobby" is not helping in the long run.

That's not even to mention that I had (have) hobbies that I love, but when I'm at my mot depressed, the depression robs me of all positive feelings to the point where I start disliking my hobby.

[Spuggy]

I don’t know anyone on city data that well that I could even presume they are bored. Some people may have clinical depression, some trapped in a negative cycle of thinking, some may be dealing with crushing loss, circumstances,or health issues. Some may be trapped in bad situation/marriage. There are just so many variables.

[kitty61]

Part of treatment for mental health issues including attaining sobriety is to create a grateful journal.