People's emotional attachment to their stuff (addict, narcissistic, men, woman)

[aquietpath]

Originally Posted by JONOV

First off, I'd like to preface this with the caveat: I'm neither a minimalist, nor a hoarder. I'm not a brand or logo snob, nor am I so unmaterialistic as not to recognize good value when I see it, or appreciate nice things.

But, I wonder where everyone else sits on this.

A decent shirt, that I wore on a date (she had bought me) and I got an oil spot from some sauce on it. She was noticeably bothered by it, but more bothered that I wasn't upset. Look, its a nice shirt that I wore on a nice date, and I'm not letting alfredo sauce ruin my date night. If it doesn't come out, so be it. Its a shirt, nice enough that I'm not mowing the lawn in it, but not so nice that it has to be boxed and preserved like a wedding dress.

We bought a sectional, and I regret it almost every day. It has become simply another chore to make sure its covered, that I'm not too dirty when I sit on it, the arm is covered, that the dogs don't track on it, etc...IT DRIVES ME NUTS. What was formerly comfortable spot to sit has become another chore; the former spot of relaxation has been turned into a source of anxiety for my wife and conflict for us.

We recently did some landscaping work on the front as well. 20+bags of mulch, ferns, perennials, etc...If I had known she would turn it into another fragile egg I'd have said "absolutely not." She flips out whenever the dogs run towards it. But we've always had the dogs, and they've always had run of the front yard, and I'm the one charged with care of the dogs, and spends the most time with them. If I had known that she would turn a portion of my yard into a "no pee, no traffic" zone for the dogs, I'd never have agreed. I can't really keep them out of the front yard...There are two ways in and out of our house, neither directly into the back yard, and I park "in" the front yard next to the carport, which means the dogs hop out of the car onto the front lawn.

The argument then turns into, "we spent all that money on it and we can't afford to replace it willy-nilly, doesn't it bother you that they could destroy it?" Well, I don't like it, but we had the dogs before I bought the landscaping. Its simply a risk that I accepted. I'll hose down a plant with water if I see the dog mark it.

My wife also wanted to foster dogs, so we are on foster number 4 right now (we have two dogs at home, we've fostered a total of 4), in addition to our own dog. Fosters invariably come in ill trained and often not potty trained. So, the current foster dog, who listens but isn't totally potty trained and doesn't see well, is her idea as well. I love the dog, love all dogs, their care mostly falls to me. I also accept that in having two of them, my home will only go so far as to looking like something on Southern Living.

The same thing is true of the big ceramic dog bowl that Old Blind Dog (OBD) broke somehow. "That was a wedding gift and it wasn't cheap" which is true, but I'd not normally buy or register for a breakable dog dish in the first place.

OBD ran into a ceramic garden stool and broke it. It stinks and they aren't cheap, but again, stuff happens. In my mind, If you expect something to be given the deference and respect (and be correspondingly distraught at losing it) of Fine China, it belongs in a China Cabinet, so to speak.

She tries to put the shoe on my feet: "what if something happened to your (shotgun, waders, nice Suit or tie, nicest dress shoes, nice sunglasses.)" It really doesn't compute for me. At all. My nice gun is locked away in its case. My waders might be rendered useless if I run into barbed wire or something, but again, its a risk I take. I'm not going to forego duck hunting to protect my stuff that I use for duck hunting. I'm not going to not wear a nice suit and tie to a wedding because someone might bathe me in red wine. I'm not going to leave my good sunglasses at home if I go on a boat ride simply because of the saltwater, etc...

So what are your thoughts? Where do you stand? Do you simply keep your things, or do they keep you? Do you serve your stuff, or does it serve you?

At what point do you say "enough" when it comes to maintaining what you have?

I'm with you OP. I like my things to be kept nice, but realize that having animals don't always cooperate. One of my dogs always insists on scrunching up a corner of my oriental carpet and laying on it that way. I don't like it, but he's old, arthritic and I want him to be comfortable. Things can be replaced, but living creatures cannot.

Your wife sounds like she would be much happier with no animals, since she isn't willing to put up with any mishap and the care of the animals falls to you. It doesn't sound as though you have children....if not, just wait until they come along. You won't believe how many things get broken or destroyed when they are young.

[Ultrarunner]

The stuff I am most attached to is insured... not counting some family history items.

[vinnyfl]

I think that after 13 relocations and living in m 9th house, I have no attachment to my things. Today I just had a $450 piece of electronics blow up on me. Four bangs in a row followed by smoke. Just tossed it and that was it. When I moved last time, I bought all new furniture for my new house. I get a new care every 2-3 years. The only attachment I have is to my wife. Things are just things, and I have had many pass through my hands without becoming attached to them. With or without them I still have my memories.

[Electrician4you]

You have two different values when it comes to personal stuff and the attachment to it. You seem to be more detached to material things than she is. Nothing wrong with that. Just need to come to a happy medium.

I tend to be emotionally attached with things that were given to me or belonged to friends or family. This doesn’t mean I can’t let go, but I’m not gonna jump at letting go. And there are things that I don’t think much more than crap I broke it I gotta go buy another one and it won’t be cheap.

[KCZ]

I think you need to sort out what's driving her issues, so you can avoid them going forward. Did she grow up impoverished so she's sensitive to the cost of things? Does she not understand about normal usage of things like waders? Is she just OCD so things like plant beds have to be just so? Is she focused on appearances because she's worried about what friends or neighbors might think?


I also think you should try couples counseling to sort this out. Listening to a bunch of people on an internet forum tell you how they manage their households isn't likely to gain you much insight into your SO's behavior.

[VTsnowbird]

We got rid of almost everything when my late DH got sick and we sold the house and moved into a furnished rental. I don't miss any of it. All I wanted was for him to be well and stay with me.



This was after 50 years of accumulating stuff. It's just stuff and it can be replaced.

[jencam]

I am not sure the issue is 'emotional attachment' she just seems a little irrational. Like what are you going to do about the dogs and mulch situation? Something has to give. That is hard for people with serious control issues.

She's trying to find away to never have to give when two things are in conflict.

[Ultrarunner]

If you are wealthy enough like one of my friends to have a man cave it saved his marriage...

She runs the house... 99%

He has a beautiful shop and place to watch sports with his friends... she is fine with that...

Some are just better at some things... it is great when a couple realizes strengths and weaknesses...

The things I am attached to are cars that I have restored from the ground up... often basket cases... you pour your heart into the projects... can I live without them... sure and they are insured.

So for me my restorations are more than stuff but in the scheme of things they are still just material processions...

[ciceropolo]

My thoughts are I'd rather have fewer 'things' of higher quality and utility value than lots of stuff.

My stuff doesn't own me, but I do take inventory and note of most things so i can make better decisions as a consumer. I hate buying something and then realizing I did not need it or finding that I had a solution all a long to something, but did not know where it was stored / kept.

Using your examples: the shirt with spill I would initially be mad at myself, but shrug it off as minor and forget. The furniture and landscaping and having foster dogs and being fretful and overly anal about keeping the furniture and landscaping pristine is a problem of non compatible value system. I agree with you. If you're going to engage in activity (fostering dogs) AND the nature of that activity will consequentially lead to susceptible accidents / damage, that is not using proper forethought and consideration of the consequences of the activity in making purchases.

I try to keep a happy medium. When I was younger because of parents coming of age during the depression I got a healthy does of "use it up wear it out" and to value whatever I had (possession wise). Then I realized I got a bit too concerned at times and the reality of expected life cycles and planned obsolescence entered the picture.

I do 'care more' over higher cost items (and maintenance if necessary) simply because it is wise cost benefit to make those things of higher monetary value last longer and get full value from, but, if I lost them all, I don't think I'd get to upset. I am more concerned over keeping good health and enjoying life. The times I meet people like this (overly wrought about possessions) I get the sense they do not have fulfilling life if they let inanimate things rule them or get overly emotional about them.


Now some things may have more 'meaning' if there is a fond memory of them. I have a few pieces of furniture - not in the best shape - but they mean more to me for the memory of a) being a teen and refinishing the piece with my mom to use (desk) for my school studying or b) knowing my dad made an item from scrap wood he brought home from his job to make it for me.

Last weekend I had a conversation with my brother about cars. He recently got a new one and we were talking about how when you get a new one there's always that point of where you rue the first ding / nick etc.... We both acknowledged it's somewhat of a relief when you get a few to know it's not worth being overly concerned anymore because that's what naturally happens. That doesn't mean we don't take care of them continually, it means we've learned to not sweat the small stuff.- especially in our climate.

Funny story that changed my perspective early in life involved an Uncle many years ago. When I was a teen he had given me a souvenir baseball from local MLB team, whom he had a close friend who worked for them. Some years later during a visit I mentioned to him I still had the souvenir baseball he had given me and his response was, "Well, it was meant to play with not sit on a shelf".

OTOH, if I had not put those baseball cards in between spokes of my bicycle wheels and my mom didn't sell them in a garage sale, perhaps I'd have a few thousand more dollars!

[Rastafellow]

Based on the OP version, I can see the anxiety with living like you have to tip-toe around your own house. The wife seems quite controlling. A good compromise would be to get rid of the animals which would reduced some of the friction.