Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My whole life I've been like this. I feel empathy for some while others I just can't. I'm wondering if it is me or the situation.
For instance. I remember my Grandmother on my dads side. She was always loving and nice to me but I could see how she was with the other adults. She was a bit of a hypochondriac and when we would visit we would all cringe when asking "How are you doing " , because then you'd have to sit down and listen to all the ailments , some real , some not. And there were just times when you'd get "bad Grandma" and she was just downright mean and grouchy. Yet, my Grandpa, who rarely said much we would sincerely want to know how he was doing.
Now as an adult, here is another example. My dad, who really is having some health issues is causing me to feel the same way. Again, for instance, I will call him and don't even get out a "how are you doing" before he blurts starts talking about his situation, and then buy the end of the conversation will repeat it all again. And he isn't positive about it, but more like a "woe is me" type of person. When I try to change the subject or add some positivity to it, he just blows it off. And no matter how the conversation turns, he can always bring it back around to him, that he's done forever.
Conversing with him is so draining...I do feel guilty about feeling the way I do. I want to see him well again but just am tired of hearing about it.
Is this me ? Is the problem on my end ? Am I really this heartless ? Have other felt the same way ?
It's normal to find it hard to listen to complaining like that.
Being sick isn't an excuse....lots of people dealing with illness manage to have normal conversations that have a back-and-forth flow while still managing to update you on their status.
I have a friend right now who is acting the same way (not with illness but with a dispute in her family) and I just want to slam the phone down when she starts because she can go on for hours.
It's normal to find it hard to listen to complaining like that.
Being sick isn't an excuse....lots of people dealing with illness manage to have normal conversations that have a back-and-forth flow while still managing to update you on their status.
I have a friend right now who is acting the same way (not with illness but with a dispute in her family) and I just want to slam the phone down when she starts because she can go on for hours.
I'm not sure what the solution is really
With parents, and family members...I think we all just have to grin and bear it. With friends, we have to reflect on how good of a friendship it is.
My whole life I've been like this. I feel empathy for some while others I just can't. I'm wondering if it is me or the situation.
For instance. I remember my Grandmother on my dads side. She was always loving and nice to me but I could see how she was with the other adults. She was a bit of a hypochondriac and when we would visit we would all cringe when asking "How are you doing " , because then you'd have to sit down and listen to all the ailments , some real , some not. And there were just times when you'd get "bad Grandma" and she was just downright mean and grouchy. Yet, my Grandpa, who rarely said much we would sincerely want to know how he was doing.
Now as an adult, here is another example. My dad, who really is having some health issues is causing me to feel the same way. Again, for instance, I will call him and don't even get out a "how are you doing" before he blurts starts talking about his situation, and then buy the end of the conversation will repeat it all again. And he isn't positive about it, but more like a "woe is me" type of person. When I try to change the subject or add some positivity to it, he just blows it off. And no matter how the conversation turns, he can always bring it back around to him, that he's done forever.
Conversing with him is so draining...I do feel guilty about feeling the way I do. I want to see him well again but just am tired of hearing about it.
Is this me ? Is the problem on my end ? Am I really this heartless ? Have other felt the same way ?
You aren't heartless, you are just tired. Remember that it is the disease that is heartless. When you feel bad all the time, people often lose their ability to interact normally with others because the illness dominates everything. Depends on the disease; for example I had a father with rheumatoid arthritis. This is a disease which pretty much destroys your quality of life and makes you continuously exhausted and grouchy. Wasn't a pleasant person to be around but you had to understand that it was the disease that made him a pain in the rear.
You aren't heartless, you are just tired. Remember that it is the disease that is heartless. When you feel bad all the time, people often lose their ability to interact normally with others because the illness dominates everything. Depends on the disease; for example I had a father with rheumatoid arthritis. This is a disease which pretty much destroys your quality of life and makes you continuously exhausted and grouchy. Wasn't a pleasant person to be around but you had to understand that it was the disease that made him a pain in the rear.
Understood. And that is exactly what I think the problem is. He had prostate cancer, it was caught in time and is currently being managed. Other than that , and some issues with his teeth, he is a perfectly healthy 73 year old. Up until 3 years ago he would snowmobile every winter with me , and rode just as hard if not harder then many people 20 years younger than him. He would ride his mountain bike in the summer, and tinker around with a collector car. Now, since he was sick he has given up on everything. It's like he went from 70 to 90 just like that. He quit riding, the car doesn't even run anymore , they just sit around the house and sulk, it seems like. Or only when we are there, who knows. He doesn't realize how lucky he is and move past it and get back to living. Now my mom, she isn't helping. She is Mexican, and a Catholic. Now if you don't know how some Mexicans are in times like this.. you are missing out. Candles lit, curtains drawn, walking around with her rosary .... etc., LOL... it's not quite that extreme , but not far from it.
Rheumatoid arthritis, my wife lost her mother to it. And one of the reasons she feels the same way I do, is she looks back on her mother, who was always in pain, yet always had a smile and never once complained about her illness, she did everything she could to not talk about it or let it get her down. A complete 180 from my situation.
I'm the same exact way! I feel bogged down after hearing these discussions that have no positive in them whatsoever. I could understand being in pain all the time, so it can be hard for some to see the light.
I for one always try to find solutions, I think that's what makes me frustrated since they aren't asking for help, but are just stating how the situation they are in.
I don’t think it’s a lack of empathy but finding the negativity draining and not making it easy to keep in touch. I swore I would never do this and despite some depressing health issue I have kept my promise. I don’t want my son calling me up and getting a catalogue of my ills, I want him to enjoy keeping in touch. Yes he is concerned, we might touch on some issues, but they are not primary part of our communication.
The thing is it’s horrendous to have an health issue that strips away your lifestyle/hobbies/independence and you are left to wonder how to create a new life and learn to live with your limitations. I’d say stop offering solutions, or trying to redirect and be honest and state you find their constant complaining hard to listen to and it’s impacting your desire to call and quality of your relationship and because you love them you don’t want that to happen.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
