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When I've seen this behavior, it is always some guy who is either insanely narcissistic or actually borderline crazy. Which I suppose also covers insanely narcissistic.
Two examples from my college days:
On a canoeing trip. There's some fat guy I'd never met before. Also not particularly bright, from the conversation I overheard. Started talking about how he could NEVER be with a "big" girl, because you know, he deserves soooo much better and who wants to be around a slob like that (pretty much described himself there). Went on in this vein for almost an hour before somebody turned to me and asked my opinion - which I stated very clearly. Why would a thin, attractive, intelligent girl WANT to go out with a sloppy fat guy who apparently had no topic of conversation other than how he would nail only the pretty ones and throw the rest back? Where was he going to find this paragon of femininnytude?
I got told how mean *I* was. Yet somehow it is NOT mean for a slob of a guy to sit there and cut down every woman who doesn't meet the Twiggy standard for femininny pulchritudity, despite his own obvious physical and intellectual shortcomings.
Then there was this guy who used to stalk me. He was short, fat, dirty, smelled bad (BO AND breathe). He used to sit in class and loudly munch raw hot dogs right out of the package, dripping juice and all. At one point told me that he found married women attractive because they were less likely to cause trouble for him when he got tired of them (I was married at the time). OMG. No woman in her right mind would want to be with this guy to start with, let alone get upset if he disappeared. I know *I* would have been OVERJOYED if he would just have disappeared. No amount of directly telling this guy to shove off was effective. He thought I was "playing hard to get".
In my 40s, a friend of mine started dating a guy who was slobby, living with his mom (he was over 50), and generally really freaky. Won't go into all of it, but lets just say he started having catalogs for ummmm .... marital aids .... delivered to my friend's house. So she could "get ideas". Weirded us both out. He would come over to her house WHEN SHE WAS GONE and just put his feet up on her furniture and binge-watch Twilight Zone or the like. And eat out of her refrigerator. And not clean up after himself. And expected her to make dinner for him when she got home after a hard day's work (not him though). Constantly talked about all the books he had read, which my friend thought should be interesting to me as she recognized the titles from books that she knew *I* had read. So I come over one day and she brings up some of the books we allegedly had both read, he and I.
Turns out he had not read a single one of those books. He couldn't speak intelligently about anything they were even about, let alone the content of any specific book.
So. Dumb. Lying. Fat. Boring. Lives with mom and no job at 50. But he thought my friend should be waiting on him hand and foot, and GRATEFUL for the opportunity, because he found her "plain". And as a plainy, she should thank her lucky stars that His Paragonitude even deigned to notice her existence, let alone be granted the PRIVILEGE of becoming his personal slave.
Now I don't much care what someone LOOKS like, within reason. But none of the 3 examples above had ANYTHING going for them, at all. They weren't intelligent. They weren't well-read. They weren't hard working. Only one of them had anything even approaching a thin veneer of charm. While all of them either had or were in the process of getting some sort of degree, none of them were particularly well-educated - eg they had no actual knowledge of anything outside their degree field, and not necessarily all that hot stuff even IN their degree field. And they all 3 lied like rugs.
If you don't have looks, you ought to have SOMETHING else in its place. And frankly I'd rather the something else personally. But you need to have something going for you, somewhere, and it should be something that matters - personality, or a work ethic, or compassion. Preferably all 3. But without a single thing going for these guys, highly unrealistic to think any of the 3 were going to get anywhere with a female of the species who could live up to their standards.
I'm sure it happens amongst women as well, but since I never paid any attention to the charms of other women, I wouldn't have noticed it. But I sure have run across an awful lot of guys in my life who were obvious sad sacks yet expected MOOORGAN FAIRCHILD to come on to them any day now.
The other side of that coin, opposite your criteria and standards, is of course what you, yourself, bring to the table. But I think it's ridiculous to assume that this is all about looks. It just isn't, for everyone. Some people base their standards on appearances, but a whole lot of people have other parameters that are more important. I am one of them. It is a thing.
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Unrealistic expectations aren't all about looks. Sometimes they're about money. And about careers and what types of careers a prospective partner should have. A lot of people dating who are looking for a person with an exciting career. But most careers aren't that exciting and don't make people instantly wealthy. I think if you want a good financial life, look for someone who isn't spendy and likes to save, no matter what their income is. Someone with little or no debt. And yes, heavy student loan debt is a problem.
Unrealistic expectations aren't all about looks. Sometimes they're about money. And about careers and what types of careers a prospective partner should have. A lot of people dating who are looking for a person with an exciting career. But most careers aren't that exciting and don't make people instantly wealthy. I think if you want a good financial life, look for someone who isn't spendy and likes to save, no matter what their income is. Someone with little or no debt. And yes, heavy student loan debt is a problem.
Of course, one's expectations can be about anything. But the rest of my post remains the same, if you have very narrow parameters, your search may be long or fruitless. Railing against that fact won't help a thing.
Or you might get lucky.
My absolute requirements were:
- High degree of emotional intelligence and self control. No temper tantrums or ragey outbursts.
- Within some range of not deeply hideous or too pretty. Average looking.
- Age 45-65.
- Financially sensible and stable.
- No drugs or alcohol.
- Not severely insecure or threatened by my social habits and needs.
- Open minded in certain ways.
- Sexually compatible in certain ways.
- Not a religious or political extremist.
- Not obsessed with guns.
- Likes my cat. Can get along at least ok with my teenage kids. Doesn't want more kids or pets.
- Not obsessed with country or rap music or culture. More of a rock guy.
- Affectionate. Wants to quality time together, but doesn't need it to be 100% of our free time always.
Without those things, I would date but not commit. Certainly not escalate to cohabitation or marriage. Lucky me, I found a man who is a perfect fit in all ways.
I am a little curious, which is why I shared this, as to whether others would find my expectations unrealistic or my standards excessively high? I'm not invested in answers, but I'm curious.
My absolute requirements were:
- High degree of emotional intelligence and self control. No temper tantrums or ragey outbursts.
-.
-.
This is probably the most important one, IMO. Adults who have tantrums and outbursts are usually emotionally unstable or immature. They would not make good long term partners. They should be kicked to the curb.
This is probably the most important one, IMO. Adults who have tantrums and outbursts are usually emotionally unstable or immature. They would not make good long term partners. They should be kicked to the curb.
Personally I agree. But I know grown people who do this, in fact I'd almost say that in some cases, it's a cultural norm. I had a best friend growing up whose family were recent immigrants from Italy. They would scream and throw stuff at each other, but considered it part of healthy relating. They all did it.
Like most things, people who are a certain way, need to find someone who can be with them where they're at I guess.
Of course, one's expectations can be about anything. But the rest of my post remains the same, if you have very narrow parameters, your search may be long or fruitless. Railing against that fact won't help a thing.
Or you might get lucky.
My absolute requirements were:
- High degree of emotional intelligence and self control. No temper tantrums or ragey outbursts.
- Within some range of not deeply hideous or too pretty. Average looking.
- Age 45-65.
- Financially sensible and stable.
- No drugs or alcohol.
- Not severely insecure or threatened by my social habits and needs.
- Open minded in certain ways.
- Sexually compatible in certain ways.
- Not a religious or political extremist.
- Not obsessed with guns.
- Likes my cat. Can get along at least ok with my teenage kids. Doesn't want more kids or pets.
- Not obsessed with country or rap music or culture. More of a rock guy.
- Affectionate. Wants to quality time together, but doesn't need it to be 100% of our free time always.
Without those things, I would date but not commit. Certainly not escalate to cohabitation or marriage. Lucky me, I found a man who is a perfect fit in all ways.
I am a little curious, which is why I shared this, as to whether others would find my expectations unrealistic or my standards excessively high? I'm not invested in answers, but I'm curious.
Well... most are realistic and normal. But I’m not sure how you define them all, like if a guy owned a gun or two for self defense but didn’t make any big thing of it, I don’t know if that’s “obsessed” to you. I wouldn’t think so. Also for most people it would be incredibly, incredibly hard to find a guy who doesn’t drink. I personally gave up alcohol 2.5 years ago so I’m in that rare camp myself but it’s lonely over here
I like your requirement about rock guys, don’t change lol. Rock is awesome, rap and country blech. I don’t blame you.
As for the above discussion, I pride myself on being a smiley, laughing guy most of the time and very calm. Im always calm with my family, my friends, and my GF. But I will absolutely explode on someone who tries to mess with me, I have no tolerance. I won’t be pushed around and sadly in the misbehaving world in which we live, you can’t handle every interaction with kindness and calmness. Sometimes, I have to show I’m the bigger dog, and trust me when I say I’m always the bigger dog. It’s just a matter of making some people realize I won’t be intimidated or threatened or otherwise screwed with and I’ve found when it escalates to that point, and I have to get scary, I always end up on top. I don’t want to go that route because it’s not fun for me either, it’s not my usual sunny disposition, but it’s a harsh world sometimes and people like to push and see what happens. With me? They find out the hard way they’ve never met anyone quite like me
I just saw Pierce Brosnan and his long-time wife who is quite overweight and average-looking. Hmmmm.
Pierce lost his wife and daughter to cancer, and it’s very possible he didn’t want his current spouse to look as though she was wasting away. I love this couple, she was very beautiful in her youth, and it’s nice to know she has someone who loves her for herself and dosen’t mind if she put on a few pounds or got crows feet. There is much more to people than looks. Pierce is a lovely man.
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