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What about daily social pretense? We all wear faces and say things that are not always genuine — and we do this mainly for polite social reasons. This social acting that we do in furtherance of smooth social interaction is necessary and expected — but it nevertheless feels so phony to me (because it obviously is in many cases). So, obviously, humans absolutely must be “fake” and “phony” enough to follow basic social conventions and polite social rituals.
But are we really guilt of anything if we are simply following the rules of polite social conduct? The rules of the game basically require that we not always speak our minds or show every emotion that we feel. Therefore, the game itself basically forces us to be less than genuine at times.
I can’t think of a situation I’ve been in where I don’t need to be genuine and wear a mask of pretense. Perhaps that’s true for others but I’m not sure I agree it’s universal. There is absolutely no need to be fake to be social. There are some things that are just not anyone’s business, and being discreet and discerning called being prudent and hardly being a liar or fake.
What about daily social pretense? We all wear faces and say things that are not always genuine — and we do this mainly for polite social reasons. This social acting that we do in furtherance of smooth social interaction is necessary and expected — but it nevertheless feels so phony to me (because it obviously is in many cases). So, obviously, humans absolutely must be “fake” and “phony” enough to follow basic social conventions and polite social rituals.
But are we really guilt of anything if we are simply following the rules of polite social conduct? The rules of the game basically require that we not always speak our minds or show every emotion that we feel. Therefore, the game itself basically forces us to be less than genuine at times.
Not speaking our minds to preserve peace in the workplace, or in our family gatherings is a far cry from lying. When one lies, he or she deliberately says something that is untrue. I think most of us understand that lying to spare feelings in some small way is acceptable. It is the motivation that tells the tale. Is the lie told to protect oneself? To accuse someone falsely? To deflect blame from oneself? Because telling a lie is easier than explaining or acknowledging? Or is the lie to present a false reality?
I have encountered some chronic liars. They are always found out eventually. They cannot be depended on. They are dishonest. My advice: don’t lie. Make it a core behavior. The times you do lie should be very rare.
Not speaking our minds to preserve peace in the workplace, or in our family gatherings is a far cry from lying. When one lies, he or she deliberately says something that is untrue. I think most of us understand that lying to spare feelings in some small way is acceptable. It is the motivation that tells the tale. Is the lie told to protect oneself? To accuse someone falsely? To deflect blame from oneself? Because telling a lie is easier than explaining or acknowledging? Or is the lie to present a false reality?
I have encountered some chronic liars. They are always found out eventually. They cannot be depended on. They are dishonest. My advice: don’t lie. Make it a core behavior. The times you do lie should be very rare.
Well, not to mention that being a very effective liar, is a serious pain in the backside. Honesty is not only more ethical in most instances, it's a hell of a lot easier to live with.
I think that we have a natural impulse to confide or confess, but it reminds me a lot of impulsive sex or spending. In the moment it feels good to be honest and unburden yourself, but you're likely to regret it later. The only secrets or lies that I regret are the ones I weakened and told on myself, not the ones that I was able to successfully keep, but that means dealing with the internal conflict and cognitive discomfort, in silence. The truth will NOT "always come out" but preventing it from doing so means carrying it alone. Which is why if I'm going to engage in dishonesty of any significance in the first place, there had better be a damn good reason. I much prefer being in the habit of truthfulness to begin with. It's a lot easier, not having to compartmentalize so much.
There is something else that I'm thinking of here, though.
I think that a lot of how we judge lies and liars, has to do with how entitled we feel people to be about the information at hand. We excuse a lot of evasions, deceptions, and little white lies, on the basis of their materiality. Like, it's not really that big of a deal if the truth is something that others probably don't need or want or feel entitled to. If the cashier who just wished me a good day actually wishes I'd heck off and die, I don't need them to come clean about it.
But say you are friends with a couple, and one of them believes that you can keep a secret, maybe you promised you would. And they confide that they cheated on their spouse. Holding that deception, being party to it, will often make a person feel very uncomfortable (fresh in my mind from a TV show I watched yesterday it's such a common scenario)... As the third party, you are now in a double bind. You know that the injured spouse would want to know this information, and withholding it feels dishonest and immoral. But if you share it, you're not a trustworthy confidante and you've betrayed the friend who shared their secret. If you disclose, then the relationship blows up and drama ensues. The confiding friend isn't your friend anymore, most likely. If you don't, and it comes out later, and the spouse finds out you knew and didn't tell them, boom, you're burned on their end. The cheater just passed you a ball of burning crap and now your hands are dirty no matter what you do.
Now replace the secret of infidelity, with plans for a surprise party or a gift. You don't have to feel bad or conflicted about keeping that under wraps even if asked about it, you're playing along with the fun and the recipient has no serious entitlement to the information, which will be revealed in time anyways. Not much of a moral quandary at all!
You could merely withhold the truth and say nothing in the first scenario and still be in a bad position, ethically. You could lie to someone's face in the second scenario, and laugh it off later and not even feel bad. It's not always black and white, there is a lot of human nuance involved. (Which is probably why it's interesting enough to discuss for 14 pages and what, 3 years?)
As a teenager, I harbored runaway teens more than once. Someone comes asking about them, what do I say? Well, is it their abusive recent ex partner, or is it a genuinely caring parent at the door? Who's asking? Are they entitled, in my opinion, to the truth? Will honesty bring harm or help? And then there's the question of who is speaking, too. A big, strong man can get away with bluntly telling an abuser "yeah, she's here, but you can go to hell" and he can back that up with his fists if he's got to. I'm a 5'3", 120 lb woman, I'm not necessarily going to stop a dangerous person by force. I may have to resort to trickery. Funny to me how just hauling off and punching someone is somehow more noble than using deception to avert harm or to survive. Speaks to whose point of view has traditionally been seen as more valid, if you ask me...
Well, not to mention that being a very effective liar, is a serious pain in the backside. Honesty is not only more ethical in most instances, it's a hell of a lot easier to live with.
I think that we have a natural impulse to confide or confess, but it reminds me a lot of impulsive sex or spending. In the moment it feels good to be honest and unburden yourself, but you're likely to regret it later. The only secrets or lies that I regret are the ones I weakened and told on myself, not the ones that I was able to successfully keep, but that means dealing with the internal conflict and cognitive discomfort, in silence. The truth will NOT "always come out" but preventing it from doing so means carrying it alone. Which is why if I'm going to engage in dishonesty of any significance in the first place, there had better be a damn good reason. I much prefer being in the habit of truthfulness to begin with. It's a lot easier, not having to compartmentalize so much.
There is something else that I'm thinking of here, though.
I think that a lot of how we judge lies and liars, has to do with how entitled we feel people to be about the information at hand. We excuse a lot of evasions, deceptions, and little white lies, on the basis of their materiality. Like, it's not really that big of a deal if the truth is something that others probably don't need or want or feel entitled to. If the cashier who just wished me a good day actually wishes I'd heck off and die, I don't need them to come clean about it.
But say you are friends with a couple, and one of them believes that you can keep a secret, maybe you promised you would. And they confide that they cheated on their spouse. Holding that deception, being party to it, will often make a person feel very uncomfortable (fresh in my mind from a TV show I watched yesterday it's such a common scenario)... As the third party, you are now in a double bind. You know that the injured spouse would want to know this information, and withholding it feels dishonest and immoral. But if you share it, you're not a trustworthy confidante and you've betrayed the friend who shared their secret. If you disclose, then the relationship blows up and drama ensues. The confiding friend isn't your friend anymore, most likely. If you don't, and it comes out later, and the spouse finds out you knew and didn't tell them, boom, you're burned on their end. The cheater just passed you a ball of burning crap and now your hands are dirty no matter what you do.
Now replace the secret of infidelity, with plans for a surprise party or a gift. You don't have to feel bad or conflicted about keeping that under wraps even if asked about it, you're playing along with the fun and the recipient has no serious entitlement to the information, which will be revealed in time anyways. Not much of a moral quandary at all!
You could merely withhold the truth and say nothing in the first scenario and still be in a bad position, ethically. You could lie to someone's face in the second scenario, and laugh it off later and not even feel bad. It's not always black and white, there is a lot of human nuance involved. (Which is probably why it's interesting enough to discuss for 14 pages and what, 3 years?)
As a teenager, I harbored runaway teens more than once. Someone comes asking about them, what do I say? Well, is it their abusive recent ex partner, or is it a genuinely caring parent at the door? Who's asking? Are they entitled, in my opinion, to the truth? Will honesty bring harm or help? And then there's the question of who is speaking, too. A big, strong man can get away with bluntly telling an abuser "yeah, she's here, but you can go to hell" and he can back that up with his fists if he's got to. I'm a 5'3", 120 lb woman, I'm not necessarily going to stop a dangerous person by force. I may have to resort to trickery. Funny to me how just hauling off and punching someone is somehow more noble than using deception to avert harm or to survive. Speaks to whose point of view has traditionally been seen as more valid, if you ask me...
I think asking oneself if honesty would bring harm or help is a good test. I recommend using this test!
If I were asked by an abuser where his wife was, I would either refuse to say, or I would lie. And, in a wedding receiving line, I would say to the bride, “You are a beautiful bride” whether I thought she was, or not. There are, IMO, some legitimate reasons when telling a lie is best. But when the lie benefits oneself, especially to the detriment of someone else, IMO, it is wrong.
Lying should not be one’s default behavior. Telling the truth should be the default behavior, even when doing so is hard.
Others have mentioned how hard it is to keep lies straight, if you continually lie. Yes. But, pure and simply, lying is wrong because of its potential to harm others.
White lies.
Half truths.
Blantant falsehoods.
Data skewed.
Bottom line ,irresponsible. We each do that thru out our lives. The less the better as we converse or observe.
In therapy our counselor mentioned our lies got us here. How we resolve those twines of deception is the litmus test. I still twist truths (dern those sales tactic years!!). What was learned now needs undone. Rinse and repeat.
It's how ya spin it too. Let's face it advertisers have lying , down to a billion dollar industry! And us consumers continually reward them by purchasing the end product.
I don't agree with this post. No, not everyone lies. A lie is an INTENTIONAL false statement. People may inadvertently say something but they say it out of error, not intentionally. I call that a MISTAKE, not a lie. And people make rash judgments all the time...for instance, "Well, so-and-so acted this way or that way because they're trying to get over on that person," or "So and so is a ****", it's not a LIE, it's a rash judgement, which is different from a lie.
Maybe you should recheck the dictionary and then see if you still feel everyone lies.
I myself do not lie, but I've made rash judgments of others and have said things that were in error. Big difference.
I don't agree that social pretense is a lie, either. I think we have the right to privacy about our personal lives and it's no one's business if we keep certain things hidden. For example, there is a lot of divisiveness in our country today and people are not willing to speak out about certain topics because of this. I don't call that a "lie" or "social pretense", I call it prudent, to keep one's business to oneself.
But social pretense often involves not just keeping things private, but also fabricating things. Acting in ways that you don’t feel. Showing emotions/behaviors that are not always genuine. Basically, showing a face and a persona that does not always align with your private thoughts and feelings. If it’s not lying, then it’s definitely fake or phony.
Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that we all have to be fake and phony AT TIMES in order to survive and prosper socially. If we always showed the world what we truly felt or believed, all the time, in every situation, we’d have a hellish time surviving. Pretense is a social lubricant.
Everyone lies whether big or small. So why do people get upset when they're lied to when they themselves have lied before about something, usually to protect themselves no necessarily to hurt the other person.
We all lie for polite purposes — everyone of us does that! And anyone that says otherwise is, in fact, a liar.
Furthermore, the personas and faces that we show to others are often fake and not genuine, so our social pretense is very similar to lying in that we often show that which we don’t feel or believe — so there’s a fraudulent element involved. Now, perhaps it’s not lying outright, but it’s definitely phony. Our true feelings and motives and beliefs and desires are often concealed under a socially appropriate persona that enables us to give off the appearance of being that which we may not always be.
We are all actors, of course. Is it lying? Is it just acting? Is it both?
We all lie for polite purposes — everyone of us does that! And anyone that says otherwise is, in fact, a liar.
Furthermore, the personas and faces that we show to others are often fake and not genuine, so our social pretense is very similar to lying in that we often show that which we don’t feel or believe — so there’s a fraudulent element involved. Now, perhaps it’s not lying outright, but it’s definitely phony. Our true feelings and motives and beliefs and desires are often concealed under a socially appropriate persona that enables us to give off the appearance of being that which we may not always be.
We are all actors, of course. Is it lying? Is it just acting? Is it both?
The courtesies we show others, even when we don’t feel like doing so, are not lies. You are confusing courtesy with hypocrisy. Courteous behavior often comes as a learned reflex, or out of basic kindness. A lie is an untruth. It is something you say, or a way of life, that is an inherent falsehood. You can characterize social conventions or courtesies as untruths, but that does not make them so.
If someone is a psychopath practicing courteous behavior, then likely he or she is lying. It is likely their entire lives are lies. But the vast majority of people are not psychopaths.
Believing that “everyone lies” might be a way of justifying one’s own dishonest behavior. But, the world operates on the basis of individual honest behavior, at least here, in most of the first world. If everyone lied about most things, continually, the world would be a much more unstable place than it is. Basic assumptions about everyday life would be much different than they are.
The courtesies we show others, even when we don’t feel like doing so, are not lies. You are confusing courtesy with hypocrisy.
I agree.
Quote:
... Believing that “everyone lies” might be a way of justifying one’s own dishonest behavior.
Good point.
If someone tells himself that everyone lies, that is likely a mechanism to attempt to justify their own lies.
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