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I have a zero tolerance policy for lying from potential renters. It has served me well in my business.
When asked, I just say there were discrepancies if I can't point out another reason. But usually there is another reason. Like I tracked down your former landlord and he gave me an earful.
Everyone lies whether big or small. So why do people get upset when they're lied to when they themselves have lied before about something, usually to protect themselves no necessarily to hurt the other person.
I never lie. I tell lots of stories, but every one is based, in some loose way, on a real event.
Then there's sometimes when you don't exactly lie, but you keep your mouth shut about something you know rather than tell the truth.
My friend's brother-in-law died in a car accident a few years ago. He wasn't quite 40, and he was waiting at a red light when a driver coming the other way had some sort of seizure, went through the light and crashed into the car. He and his wife had just married the year before. It was devastating to their family.
Whenever my friend speaks about her sister's husband's death, she always says, "At least we are comforted by the knowledge that he died instantly. He never knew what hit him." Well, no. It so happens that the first EMT on the scene was my niece's husband. My friend's brother-in-law was conscious and trying to speak as they pulled him out of the car, but his chest was crushed and he was gurgling and drowned in his own blood on the way to the hospital.
Do I ever need to tell her that? No.
I agree with you. It is bad enough that you have to carry this knowledge around.
Sometimes keeping quiet, or telling a white lie is the best course of action. I think what makes an untruth OK or not OK is who benefits from the lie? If it is the teller, then it isn’t OK. If the lie spares the feelings of someone else, then I think it is OK. (I realize this is my opinion,)
Whatever one does in life, I strongly advise NOT being a chronic liar.
When I hear someone say that every one lies it reminds me of the same kinds of thoughts I get when I hear a man say that every man would rape a woman if he had the right opportunity. A red flag and a raised eyebrow.
When I hear someone say that every one lies it reminds me of the same kinds of thoughts I get when I hear a man say that every man would rape a woman if he had the right opportunity. A red flag and a raised eyebrow.
Sorry, but that's just where I go with it.
I can't.
I was never able to perform during one-night stands, I need to feel intimate with the girl. When my wife appears to be in pain, then I cannot perform either.
Everyone lies whether big or small. So why do people get upset when they're lied to when they themselves have lied before about something, usually to protect themselves no necessarily to hurt the other person.
I try my best not to lie because all it does is keep a dysfunctional relationship stringing along. People get upset when they are lied to because they want the truth. The only time I lie is when I need to put on a brave face and get the job done. "Fake it till you make it."
Your options in this situation, would be to research the matter as best as you can without discussing it with others, first off. There are books written on all sorts of topics, and sometimes you can get valuable insight. Also, I recommend journaling (I do so in an electronic format, writing by hand isn't my thing anymore) because a lot of times, that can help you organize your own thoughts and come up with solutions for yourself. Often we think we need advice, when what we really need is to acknowledge our own truths. And finally if you absolutely must get advice, then think about anyone you specifically do NOT want knowing your secrets, and not only avoid talking to them, but also think if anyone you know is not connected to them in any way, those are the people you want to talk to. The ones not socially connected to most others you know.
I have talked to my Mom about tons of things that I never spoke to most people about because she is estranged from other parts of the family, lives in the middle of nowhere in another state, and doesn't talk to my partners or friends or anyone I work with...she has little contact with anyone who affects me. And she is not judgmental. So I feel safe talking to her without fear that she will react badly to certain things. It's good to have someone like that in your life.
But the true secrets, I haven't even told her. Again, I don't even think about that. If someone demanded for me to pull up in my mind, one of these more significant secrets, I'd struggle, because I buried them. But I remember a time or two in my life that I wrestled with doing so, I know they exist. Remembering them would be hard. I can even refer to the fact that they are there, without actually having a single thought about the nature of them, it's just...blank.
So this makes me think about my ex. I was probably more honest with him than he deserved. But he used to, very confrontationally, demand that I answer this question, "If you ever cheated on me, would you confess, admit it, or would you lie about it?" I always tried to tell him that I simply would not cheat, so I refused to go further than that. That's the only truth I care about. And it was. But the fact was, he was always HUNGRY for the chance to administer angry justice for wrongs done to him, and believed that every woman sooner or later would betray him. He was eager to punish me for the crimes others had done to him before I ever came into his life, and I lived with that for 18 years.
Knowing that you are not safe with someone, that they are spiteful and cruel inside and just waiting to angrily hurt you and looking for a reason to do so... How much do you want to admit to such a person, if you did something wrong? My own reaction was to try and "prove" to him that I was not like the others, that I could be a good spouse and not betray him as he believed everyone inevitably would...but eventually I realized I could have gone a lifetime trying to prove that. It would never make any difference.
After we broke up, he would try to interrogate me about who I was sleeping with. He still tries, once in a while, to demand answers from me about this or that. At first I lied to him. Now I just tell him that I owe him nothing. No explanations. No truth. Nothing. I am not accountable to him, and my life is none of his business. That has been part of my healing, to let go the idea that this person is, in any way, a moral authority over me. That he deserves some sort of right to judge me. Let alone punish me for anything.
So long story short, if someone is prone to angry tantrums, don't expect others to be honest with you, if their truth could trigger one. If you punish people for telling you the truth, they'll stop doing it. You're teaching them that a well kept lie can keep them safer than the truth can. My parents taught me that as a child, and an abusive partner reinforced it.
So yeah, if someone lies to me, I consider why. I want people to know that they are safe telling me the truth.
There is so much truth in this post.
We do not confide in people who become angry with us, who are blamers, who are heavily judgemental, who criticize. We should not confide in them. These are not safe people.
This is why I think a professional therapist can be so helpful to people who are struggling to be heard.
I love this statement from the post: I want people to know that they are safe telling me the truth. Bless you a hundred times.
I think we should all resolve to be that safe person when asked. Think of how much better our world would be if we provided safety to others who confided in us.
My entire career field is entrenched in security clearances. We must always remember which things are secrets and which clearance level is assigned to each secret. But none of that is connected to telling lies.
I have been married 37 years, I dont think I have ever lied to my wife, and I have never divulged any secrets to her. She knows what I did for a living, and when I was still serving a crewmember she never asked me about anything that was classified. Most of it was math formulas which nobody outside of the career field would ever care about that junk.
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