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DH has told me that he only feels loved when I'm doing "Mom" stuff for him, like making all the decisions about where to go and what to do, preparing and serving food, treating his cuts or scrapes, buying his clothes, make his doctor appointments and go with him, etc.
His pretended helplessness is ridiculous. If I buy his favorite cherry pie, for example, he absolutely will not eat it unless I cut a big wedge of it, warm it and serve it to him on a plate with the kind of fork he insists on. If I don't, the pie will sit untouched in the fridge until I finally have to throw it out.
I hate this behavior. It makes me want to flee. I thought I was married to a man, not a child.
He can entertain himself but refuses to if I'm around. It's easier to badger me about how bored he is. I don't even have a life of my own any more. We fight a lot. He says I'm the one with the problem and that I have to go on antidepressants so I'll be easier for him to live with. "So I'll be a better Mommy to him," is what it sounds like to me.
It has gotten to the point that I sometimes take off now and hide in a hotel for days so he can't find me.
I kind of get what may be going on. He was seriously ill, actually near death as a child and because of that and the fact that he was their only child at the time, his parents made life too easy for him. He has a persistent sense of entitlement.
But I've known him for 25 years and this suffocating infantilism -- if that's what it is -- is a relatively recent development, perhaps only in the last 3 or 4 years.
DH has told me that he only feels loved when I'm doing "Mom" stuff for him, like making all the decisions about where to go and what to do, preparing and serving food, treating his cuts or scrapes, buying his clothes, make his doctor appointments and go with him, etc.
His pretended helplessness is ridiculous. If I buy his favorite cherry pie, for example, he absolutely will not eat it unless I cut a big wedge of it, warm it and serve it to him on a plate with the kind of fork he insists on. If I don't, the pie will sit untouched in the fridge until I finally have to throw it out.
I hate this behavior. It makes me want to flee. I thought I was married to a man, not a child.
He can entertain himself but refuses to if I'm around. It's easier to badger me about how bored he is. I don't even have a life of my own any more. We fight a lot. He says I'm the one with the problem and that I have to go on antidepressants so I'll be easier for him to live with. "So I'll be a better Mommy to him," is what it sounds like to me.
It has gotten to the point that I sometimes take off now and hide in a hotel for days so he can't find me.
I kind of get what may be going on. He was seriously ill, actually near death as a child and because of that and the fact that he was their only child at the time, his parents made life too easy for him. He has a persistent sense of entitlement.
But I've known him for 25 years and this suffocating infantilism -- if that's what it is -- is a relatively recent development, perhaps only in the last 3 or 4 years.
I am at my wits' end.
I'm really sorry you're living like this.
I have to assume you want to save the marriage, since you're still there. Otherwise I know from your interactions here that you're intelligent enough to have walked away from this BS already.
The antidepressant comment is complete and total BS and incredibly cruel and manipulative. I don't know how you didn't haul off and slap him after that.
How does he react when you disappear at a hotel for days? Where do you tell him you've been?
But I've known him for 25 years and this suffocating infantilism -- if that's what it is -- is a relatively recent development, perhaps only in the last 3 or 4 years.
This is really important I feel. What happened 4 years ago, or what has been going on since? Anyone died or left? Are you looking after someone (elderly parent, grandchild...)? Has he or you gone into retirement?
It could be that he feels extremely threatened since then, and reacting as the terrified child he must have been once.
Perhaps you could orientate the conversation and try to find out what is bothering him?
It could also have to do with ageing - some people become real pains in the neck as they age. Bitterness and frustration about their own life maybe?
This or, as said previously, a mental disorder. In which case, it would be wise to find out as soon as possible and get some treatment.
I wish you well, and congratulate you for your patience and caring attitude.
Share with him that you feel loved when you are equals,capable of being independent. Then do it. You can talk for days. It's the actions that will remove this obsticle.Change the behavior.
How old is he? I'm doing a WAG here but could he be showing early signs of dementia? Childlike behavior can be a symptom.
Late sixties.
Dementia? I don't know. He is fully aware that he's doing it and he wants more. When I said, "You're acting like a child" he made the "It's the only time I feel loved" comment. Which is interesting, because he rejects most things I say.
I have asked him at various times if he would please consider seeing someone for anxiety, because it's been obvious to me from Day One that he suffers from it. He denies that he is anxious. But if you'd been that way from birth, how would you know any different?
But I've known him for 25 years and this suffocating infantilism -- if that's what it is -- is a relatively recent development, perhaps only in the last 3 or 4 years.
This is really important I feel. What happened 4 years ago, or what has been going on since? Anyone died or left?
His mother died in 2016, on my birthday. I miss her terribly. I'm sure he does, too. It seems an obvious connection but somehow doesn't feel quite right.
maybe looking at some child psychology literature would help, if he takes himself literally to be a child? even mothers need to teach children autonomy to grow up self-confident and emotionally healthy.
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