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But I have all this awesome knowledge I want to share with you.
I used to nag my husband all the time about the unhealthy food he ate, heck I even packed him lunches. He would eat that lunch, and then go buy something unhealthy.
He died from a heart attack at 43.
You can't control people.
I know that and I am trying to figure out how to cope with it.
The person I loved for most of my life, and that's a long time, died recently. He had various health problems, ultimately got cancer.
I have always been interested in health and read a lot about it. My friend had diabetes 2 since he was young, which later on caused almost fatal heart disease. He needed surgery and lots of drugs, but he survived. I wanted him to be careful about nutrition and to exercise more. I think if he had taken my advice maybe the diabetes would not have led to heart disease. And the drugs caused side effects that bothered him a lot.
He didn't listen much to me, and I felt it was no use nagging him, so I didn't. I would just mention something now and then about diet or exercise.
I have no idea why he suddenly got fatal cancer. Maybe he would have gotten that anyway, even if he had a great lifestyle. I really don't know.
Sometimes I feel guilty because maybe I should have been more assertive when talking to him about lifestyle. But he probably still would not have listened.
Recently my sister had extreme high blood pressure and cholesterol. I thought maybe she would die, but I didn't want to lecture her about lifestyle. It turned out her husband finally convinced her to start exercising again, and everything got a lot better.
So maybe I should be more assertive about lifestyle when people I love are in danger. My sister's MD never said anything about exercise. My friend's doctors probably didn't say much about it. The emphasis is always on drugs.
We can try to save people, but it's hard. They want to trust their doctors and they might not listen to us. And we aren't always right either. I don't want to tell anyone to stop their drugs, even if I think they should. Fortunately my sister doesn't trust doctors either, so she didn't take the statin drugs they gave her.
I know that and I am trying to figure out how to cope with it.
In the same way you want me to deal with it.
You want me to stop giving my opinion, and I will.
And how will I deal with that? I will just let it go, because some people don't want to hear the message, for a variety of reasons. I can't control them, if I try I will them, and myself unhappy.
Best of luck.
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It is about me and it is about them. It's called "both/and."
I love these people and don't want to see them suffer AND if they did suffer, I would suffer.
I don't know the reference you made to a cleaner house . . . but no, if I did post something related to that. these are not people I want to tell to keep a cleaner house . . . and if they were, what would your point be?
Your comments are not helpful.
It sounds like the approach you are taking with your loved one is a dialogue of debate, where one side has to win. Therefore, that is not both/and. I would look into a dialogue of persuasion where you make a claim, support it and then wait to see the other person respond to it. You do not go further without that step.
It sounds like the approach you are taking with your loved one is a dialogue of debate, where one side has to win. Therefore, that is not both/and. I would look into a dialogue of persuasion where you make a claim, support it and then wait to see the other person respond to it. You do not go further without that step.
No - I am not debating. I am offering information (written, so there will be no arguments) they can throw it out if they want - and when together, when the person offers information about what they are doing or not doing, I keep my mouth shut - because I do not want to argue - I might just ask follow up questions or say something benign, but I mostly "let it go" in the moment (and might follow up with written material if they say something that really worries me).
The "both/and" I was referring to is that I care about these people AND I care about myself and my response to them.
It's hard to live in the world where everyone has free will. Lol.
You want me to stop giving my opinion, and I will.
And how will I deal with that? I will just let it go, because some people don't want to hear the message, for a variety of reasons. I can't control them, if I try I will them, and myself unhappy.
Best of luck.
I didn't say I wanted you to stop giving your opinion - it felt like you were baiting me in that one post.
I am sorry you lost your husband so early. That must have been hard.
Last edited by nobodysbusiness; 10-10-2018 at 11:27 AM..
The person I loved for most of my life, and that's a long time, died recently. He had various health problems, ultimately got cancer.
I have always been interested in health and read a lot about it. My friend had diabetes 2 since he was young, which later on caused almost fatal heart disease. He needed surgery and lots of drugs, but he survived. I wanted him to be careful about nutrition and to exercise more. I think if he had taken my advice maybe the diabetes would not have led to heart disease. And the drugs caused side effects that bothered him a lot.
He didn't listen much to me, and I felt it was no use nagging him, so I didn't. I would just mention something now and then about diet or exercise.
I have no idea why he suddenly got fatal cancer. Maybe he would have gotten that anyway, even if he had a great lifestyle. I really don't know.
Sometimes I feel guilty because maybe I should have been more assertive when talking to him about lifestyle. But he probably still would not have listened.
Recently my sister had extreme high blood pressure and cholesterol. I thought maybe she would die, but I didn't want to lecture her about lifestyle. It turned out her husband finally convinced her to start exercising again, and everything got a lot better.
So maybe I should be more assertive about lifestyle when people I love are in danger. My sister's MD never said anything about exercise. My friend's doctors probably didn't say much about it. The emphasis is always on drugs.
We can try to save people, but it's hard. They want to trust their doctors and they might not listen to us. And we aren't always right either. I don't want to tell anyone to stop their drugs, even if I think they should. Fortunately my sister doesn't trust doctors either, so she didn't take the statin drugs they gave her.
My beliefs are all mixed up on this subject. I don't believe we can (or should) save anyone. I believe all human beings are sovereign and my spiritual belief is that we are all here "for a reason" - to learn lessons. I get confused, though, by love and caring and "attachment," really. I want these people to be healthy, and thrive, and because I study holistic health, I have a lot of information - so then when I see them doing something that can harm them (something they might not realize can harm them - and in what ways), I want to jump in and inform them. I don't want to see them suffer and I don't want them to suffer.
I get confused because I believe I am in their lives "for a reason," so I feel compelled to share what I know sometimes (just sometimes - most of the time I keep my mouth shut).
It does feel like a burden to have so much, virtually useless, information about what could help or what could harm.
It's kind of torture and it has me very confused about WHY I have all of this useless information. It's a case of "ignorance is bliss."
It is about me and it is about them. It's called "both/and."
I love these people and don't want to see them suffer AND if they did suffer, I would suffer.
I don't know the reference you made to a cleaner house . . . but no, if I did post something related to that. these are not people I want to tell to keep a cleaner house . . . and if they were, what would your point be?
Your comments are not helpful.
I’m not really certain that there can be a helpful response, but I sympathize with your frustration.
I have an alcoholic brother. He has now been sober many years. Our family went through a terrible time trying to help him and it was tearing us apart. Nothing we did made any difference. We learned that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help and who will not help himself. We finally told him essentially, “we love you, but you are on your own. Come see us if you get sober.” When HE was ready, he did. Otherwise he would have died, been buried and mourned.
You are sort of in the same boat. No one can help you accept that often you cannot save people from themselves.
Added: yes, I read that you KNOW you can’t help or save everyone.
I’m not really certain that there can be a helpful response, but I sympathize with your frustration.
I have an alcoholic brother. He has now been sober many years. Our family went through a terrible time trying to help him and it was tearing us apart. Nothing we did made any difference. We learned that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help and who will not help himself. We finally told him essentially, “we love you, but you are on your own. Come see us if you get sober.” When HE was ready, he did. Otherwise he would have died, been buried and mourned.
You are sort of in the same boat. No one can help you accept that often you cannot save people from themselves.
Thank you. I appreciate your response. It does help me - I have to learn to accept - and somehow I have to figure out what to do with all of this information I have that is unwanted. That's a separate, but related problem because I have a belief that in tribal times, elders passed along wisdom and the tribe respected it. It was a survival thing. Now there is no respect for the wisdom of elders.
Thank you. I appreciate your response. It does help me - I have to learn to accept - and somehow I have to figure out what to do with all of this information I have that is unwanted. That's a separate, but related problem because I have a belief that in tribal times, elders passed along wisdom and the tribe respected it. It was a survival thing. Now there is no respect for the wisdom of elders.
Times have changed. And even when you are able to accept that you cannot help everyone, it won’t keep you from having at least some pain if something happens to someone you care about.
At least you know you did what you could and you avoid added stress on your life by not beating yourself up for not being able to control things you cannot control.
Best wishes.
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