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Tangentially related, I terminated my use of Craig's List because of possible security risks. I'm never giving my home address to a stranger ever again. If you must sell on Craig's list, meet in a shopping center parking lot in a busy area.
All very good suggestions. I do feel as though I have been really stupid, not recognizing the behavior for what it is and taking his initial helpfulness as something I appreciated. Obviously he feels rejected by me. In the beginning the man was cunning, charming, smart, very talkative and somewhat controlling. Was over every day, bringing gifts, helpful suggestions, and I just thought it was a good deal living next to him. I was really taken. But then it was too much and trying to put limits on him was what he resented. And he turned on me.
He is actively pursuing women on line. I read one of his profiles where he angrily criticized women for not recognizing a "good man".( Those who didn't respond to him on line.) I know he has traveled to other cities looking for a woman.
As I am beginning to put a name to this situation, I see it's up to me to find my peace. I cannot move. I have put a lot into this house, which I purchased from a 92 year old woman with cancer. And it's MY house and my friend says I should let HIM move, which may happen since it's been mentioned a few times.
For now I will ignore, and deny that anyone lives in that house. I do feel sorry for his dog, who never gets to leave the house or take walks. But, again, that is none of my business.
Thank you everyone.
Sounds like it's more from your rejection of him after he was helpful and kind to you at the beginning.
How long ago did you tell him you weren't interested and how did that go? Did he take it that you took advantage of his kindness?
Maybe with some time, he will get over the rejection and he won't be so bitter.
Sounds like it's more from your rejection of him after he was helpful and kind to you at the beginning.
You don't have the same take as I did. Rather than reading the OP read OP's later summary. (Or perhaps I misperceived your comment that I quoted here.
It appears that in the beginning the neighbor was kissing up to OP in the hopes of a relationship, and when his hopes were dashed he became bitter and hostile, even threatening. Now OP is scared of him and his behavior.
That's my take on it. Read the OP's later summary.
You don't have the same take as I did. Rather than reading the OP read OP's later summary. (Or perhaps I misperceived your comment that I quoted here.
It appears that in the beginning the neighbor was kissing up to OP in the hopes of a relationship, and when his hopes were dashed he became bitter and hostile, even threatening. Now OP is scared of him and his behavior.
That's my take on it. Read the OP's later summary.
Yes, I see it that way also. His initial behavior was to make me think, "Gee what a nice man". This was not his real personality. It was an act. I was taken in. There are men who can effectively conceal their true selves in order to gain control over a woman. After you have made a committment to them, then you find out what they are really like.
There were "red flags" all over the place. I should have seen them earlier but thank goodness I did finally realize what he really was. The first time I realized he had been in my back yard when I was not home was a sign. There is no way any relationship with him, as a neighbor, can work. I am glad for the support of friends and family who have listened to me and think it's best to ignore him totally. I do feel sorry for the next woman who falls for his act. A good number have already rejected him and I hope the next one will see the light also.
Every single time you see him
ask him to do some work for you
Remind him it is the neighborly thing to do
then smile
You must be predictable in this
Mow your lawn
Sweep off the porch
Keeps him wanting to stay inside so you don't request help from him
Sounds simple but it really does work.
They disappear fast when this happens
That's my experience
He'll leave when he sees you coming
I think all of this would be a VERY bad idea. The OP has already stated that their relationship started out friendly enough with this guy helping her out. It was only after she saw him for what he really is and began to reject him that he became angry and threatening.
If OP starts inviting him to help with her chores and so forth, he may interpret that as her having come around to his way of thinking. He may feel that a relationship is developing, and/or he may convince himself that she is now obligated to him after all of these favors he did for her.
OP, I think asking him to do anything for you AT ALL is the wrong, wrong way to go.
I think all of this would be a VERY bad idea. The OP has already stated that their relationship started out friendly enough with this guy helping her out. It was only after she saw him for what he really was and began to reject him that he became angry and threatening.
If OP starts inviting him to help with her chores and so forth, he may interpret that as her having come around to his way of thinking. He may feel that a relationship is developing, and/or he may convince himself that she is now obliged to him after all of these favors he did for her.
OP, I think asking him to do anything for you AT ALL is the wrong, wrong way to go.
OP, I think you need to do what a lot of people here have suggested. Get a camera for the front and back door. I'd get an alarm system for the windows as well if you can afford it. Do you share any common walls?
Document everything that is said to you. If he trespasses into your yard again, you may want to call the police and ask if one of them can accompany you over to his house to tell him not to trespass again - I wouldn't go over there alone.
You might have to get a no contact order, but you may make him even angrier if you do. That's why I suggest a cop going with you to tell him to stay out of your yard. The cop is first a witness and second lends a little more authority to the request.
Get a gun and take classes on how to use it. You may find out it's not the thing for you, but if you do want to have one, you need to know how and when you can use it. You might also look into mace and a taser.
As for getting a large dog and training it...a large breed like a Doberman, a German Shepherd, or a Rottweiler is a natural guard dog. Given you get one from a reputable breeder, you should have minimal health risks and be assured the dog's temperament is up to what it's supposed to be. You may also not need to train it except in basic obedience.
If you do want to train your dog for protection, most reputable training sites require dogs of a certain temperament. Shepherds, Dobes, and Rotties of that caliber are $2000+. As puppies. If you do any protection training, that's going to cost you easily another $500 to $2000 and it should only be done by a trainer who knows what they're doing. Remember, your homeowner's insurance is going to have to cover any damage your dog does. They may not even want to cover you if you own certain breeds and they will certainly have an issue if they know he is trained to bite. Once your dog is trained, he may also be considered a weapon and you will have to make sure to be extra careful in public. You don't want to get sued.
Protection training is also a lot of obedience training and you have to decide whether or not you want to put in the time required. Not only that, one of the things that protection trainers do is agitate the dog. That means the dog will be lunging for the agitator on a leash with you on the other end. I was 30 years old and 140 pounds, and could barely hold my 75 lb Doberman when he lunged. Being able to hold your dog is critical to the agitator's safety and if you can't hold him when he's lunging, they aren't going to want to train your dog. So if you do get a dog, don't let anyone sucker you into getting something that's 100 lbs. A smaller, agile dog can do what needs to be done just as well as a large one.
If you do think things are coming to a head and you want the police to arrest him, make sure you have enough evidence to put him away. You don't want the police to pick him up and let him go the next day. That is going to make him even madder and if you have to call the police again on him, he may file a harassing charge against you.
You don't have to be hyper vigilant all the time. Just be careful. Document, collect your data, and let the local police department know what's going on, as well as the people you're close to. If you have to, copy his posts on dating sites so they can be used for evidence later. If he sees you have your guard up and you're protecting yourself, he may move on to other targets. That's unfortunate for who his other targets are, but at least one of them won't be you.
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