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You don't talk about it - the specifics. I've never heard them. All I hear from you is how evil all Minnesotans are because you got hurt here. That's like gaslighting all of us.
gas-lighting sounds like intentionally misleading another.
at our house we have "senior-lighting"(?).
you have probably heard jokes about it.
well, it is true for us.
it is not intentional. it is absent-mindedness,
forgetfulness, or Alzheimer's onset.
and we argue and bicker about it.
"you said bacon" "no, i said ice cream".
mostly, it is over trivialities.
so far.
Oh, we've got that here too and it's compounded by deafness. Leads to some pretty crazy conversations.
Yeah, it's kinda scary if you start thinking about where it could lead.
Oh yes, by an old boyfriend. Happened constantly. He would tell me that he'd heard "all about me" (could never say what it was) and would tell everyone "what I had done". He undermined my confidence so bad that in time, I actually believed that he'd heard bad things about me. It was his way of getting control and compliance. After awhile he told me that I was sick (in the head) and needed to be hospitalized. Instead of knowing that wasn't true, I quietly wondered if my family would visit me and which one of us they'd believe.
Then I read about gas lighting and a lot of things made sense. It was hard to break away from the insanity but when he started up with the "I know all about your past" nonsense again, I called him out on it, and all of the sudden it was "what? I never said anything like that"
You don't talk about it - the specifics. I've never heard them. All I hear from you is how evil all Minnesotans are because you got hurt here. That's like gaslighting all of us.
Is this the Minnesota forum? *checks heading* And how dare I contribute to topics by drawing from personal experience vs. making things up or philosophising!
Oh yes, by an old boyfriend. Happened constantly. He would tell me that he'd heard "all about me" (could never say what it was) and would tell everyone "what I had done". He undermined my confidence so bad that in time, I actually believed that he'd heard bad things about me. It was his way of getting control and compliance. After awhile he told me that I was sick (in the head) and needed to be hospitalized. Instead of knowing that wasn't true, I quietly wondered if my family would visit me and which one of us they'd believe.
Then I read about gas lighting and a lot of things made sense. It was hard to break away from the insanity but when he started up with the "I know all about your past" nonsense again, I called him out on it, and all of the sudden it was "what? I never said anything like that"
But how could have have heard bad things about you? "Past"? What past? I'm assuming you're a basic good person, so there's nothing to "know" about a "past". Didn't you think that was weird, from the start? I'm just wondering how creepy people like this manage to even get a toehold onto an innocent person's psyche. Ugh--that is super creepy, but also, objectively speaking, completely nonsensical, in relation to a lot of people, who lead fairly normal, ho-hum lives, or happy, contended lives.
But how could have have heard bad things about you? "Past"? What past? I'm assuming you're a basic good person, so there's nothing to "know" about a "past". Didn't you think that was weird, from the start? I'm just wondering how creepy people like this manage to even get a toehold onto an innocent person's psyche.
This type of gaslighting leads you to believe they've got insider unnamed sources of info.
In other words everyones talking and knows all about you. It leaves you scratching your head trying to figure out who's spreading false "stories".
When anyone lies to their partner they are essentially gaslighting them..because it can make someone crazy when all your senses tell you it's a lie.
When they ignore their intuition and finally believe the lie, then have the rug pulled out from under them..it is maddening, such a huge betrayal, changes their faith in mankind.
Watch the original movie with Charles Boyer deliberately turning the lights down and up and
blaming Ingrid Bergman so she would lose her mind.
Interesting how house lights and street lights were supported by natural gas....ingenius.
I have an appointment with my therapist this Wednesday and we will discuss this.
I hope your therapist practices EMDR. I am so sorry for your trauma...
there are so many techniques that can help you thru this....I know for myself.
And then to top it off they are 'now gaslighting' you!
You were an innocence child..i have names for them i can't use here.
But how could have have heard bad things about you? "Past"? What past? I'm assuming you're a basic good person, so there's nothing to "know" about a "past". Didn't you think that was weird, from the start? I'm just wondering how creepy people like this manage to even get a toehold onto an innocent person's psyche. Ugh--that is super creepy, but also, objectively speaking, completely nonsensical, in relation to a lot of people, who lead fairly normal, ho-hum lives, or happy, contended lives.
Ruth - yes, everyone has a past. I mean, mine really is boring but what I think is boring, some may think is scandalous. I was in my 40s, had been divorced and we were from the same general area and met through mutual friends. He'd really sweeten the pot by telling me it was one of his family members that told him this "stuff" and that *they* knew xyz from my past and that's how they got their dirt. Of course xyz was never 100% named, just someone I went to school with or something, but there was always enough of an element of truth sprinkled into the BS that it made me wonder.
These things sneak up on you so slowly that you're kind of left with your head spinning. Be grateful if you've never experienced this. I've had similar happen with bosses - where they say one thing and a day later are screaming at you for not doing something else. My worst experience of this was after the deranged relationship above, so when she'd go "WHY did you do it THIS way!!!!" I could calmly say "because you told me so" and pull out the email I'd saved for documentation. But I saw many a coworker left spinning in the wind wondering how they screwed up when they were convinced they were doing what she wanted - in reality they were, but she had them convinced they were wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode
This type of gaslighting leads you to believe they've got insider unnamed sources of info.
In other words everyones talking and knows all about you. It leaves you scratching your head trying to figure out who's spreading false "stories".
This. Even better when he'd say he was going to tell everyone we mutually knew "all about me". I think I was in that relationship for a couple of years and it gave me a real appreciation of how people can stay in abusive relationships.
One night he tried his "if you don't do this, I will tell so and so all about what you've done". I was so exhausted and fed up I said go right ahead, I just don't care. He actually went to the persons house, knocked on their door and then had no idea what to say, because I don't think anyone had ever called his bluff before. Funny how once I got myself away from the madness, I still have all my friends.
Now I sometimes see red flags in people that don't have any, but I'd rather have that than get sucked into insanity again.
<edit> For clarity, I was dealing with someone who had a personality disorder, most likely BPD. Their MO was to get so close to you, to essentially be an extension of you. They knew what you were were thinking before you even thought it. This person has made it their mission to never hurt you and goes out of their way to do things that make you happy. So when the bad stuff starts creeping in, it's hard to distance yourself from the fact that your best friend, who in your mind is you because you are so close, can be betraying you in this way. It's an amazing phenomenon. (and not in a good way)
If you google BPD and gas lighting you will find a number of articles on this. I have other more specific examples but would prefer not to post them, but you can message me if you are interested.
I have not dealt with it in parents like some have, and suspect that is an even higher level of hell than with a significant other.
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