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Old 12-06-2018, 12:26 PM
 
5 posts, read 3,475 times
Reputation: 15

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I've lived with my grandparents all of my life. I am 30 years old and they raised me. I choose to live at home so I can help take care of them and because they gifted me their house in 2014. I have had a few girlfriends but I'm currently single with no children. I have an evening job and I have pretty much been able to keep a job. Here in the past 3 or 4 years it is getting progressively worse though. I spend all day running errands for them and by the time I get into work at 4pm I am exhausted. They get mad and complain when I sleep late. I work 4pm - 1am. Yesterday I was asked to go get firewood all morning before work, which I did. Today, I get to take my grandma all over town because she won't drive in snow. It's something every day. Luckily I'm off today. It's not my grandpa as much as it is my grandma that's annoying. My grandpa is a very bad alcoholic though, and he still drinks and drives often. He can't see very good either and I know it's only a matter of time until he hits someone or wrecks and injures himself. Because he drinks and talks down to my grandma when he does, the literally argue and bicker all of the time. I stay in my room mostly because she is always in the living room watching tv. Everytime I leave the house I get questioned about where I am going and who I am going with. To ensure I won't stay out late, she will ask me to bring her a snack or somehting back. If I don't do this she gets upset and guilt trips me when I get back. I had the flu recently and she complained that I was coughing too much. Literally every morning when I take my medications she says "what are you taking?" She will even come into my room late at night and tell me to turn the tv down. When I won't run errands for her or do somehting, she guilt trips me into doing it by talking about how she didn't have to raise me and could have let CPS have me for foster care. She is 72 and my grandpa is 82 and they are in good health overall, so I don't know how much longer this will go on. I love my grandparents, I really do, but I don't know if I should move out, or stay. I appreciate them gifting me the house, but I never asked for it and I didn't know it was going to take up this much of my life. I'm depressed all of the time and I really think that this is why. I am 30 years old and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Advice?
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Old 12-06-2018, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,627 posts, read 34,087,515 times
Reputation: 76606
Do you have any other family who can help you out?

You say in your post that you live with them and they gave you their house in exchange for you taking care of them, so dealing with them is your price of admission for your living situation.People their age are often lonely and scared about their future. That said, you have the right to set (kind and appropriate) boundaries. It might help to be more proactive about their questions and needs so that they don't have to pester you about things.
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Old 12-06-2018, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,917,855 times
Reputation: 50788
I know you own the house, but is there a way you could get an apartment? You could stay there during the days you work, and go back to the house on weekends to buy groceries and do chores and maintenance.

If your grandpa is as bad a driver as you say you have a duty to get him off the road. Does he even have a current license? You might check that first. I doubt he would listen to reason, but you could disable his car. Or you could report him to the license bureau. It depends on your state’s rules. But you can research this online. If your grandpa were to hit and hurt or kill someone, he will have done irreparable damage to someone, and all your lives will change for the worst. Since you know he is a danger, it is possible you could be liable in that case. You really should get him off the road.

Since you are now caregiver for your grandparents, I sggest posting in the caregivers’ forum.

The problems you are facing are not unique, as it happens. There is probably no easy solution. But IMO, you need to get grandpa off the road, and you need to find a way to have uninterrupted time for yourself.
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Old 12-06-2018, 02:11 PM
 
6,691 posts, read 4,669,499 times
Reputation: 25621
You mentioned that you are depressed. That may be making things harder for you to deal with. In some respects what you are going through is the same as if you were a parent of two children. One difference would be you can tell children what to do.

Can you change your working hours? If you were working during the day you would be gone during more of their waking hours. As they get older they will need more help not less, keep that in mind. Eventually you may have to have someone stay with them while you are working but that may be a while off; a 72 year old should be able to do most things for themselves.
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Old 12-06-2018, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Southern California
29,267 posts, read 16,554,682 times
Reputation: 18901
OP: You are a prisoner -- no way you can talk to them. If you moved out on your own what would they do with the house, will it to someone else. You need a life and not be their slave and at their beckon call. Terrible situation as you describe it. Very unfair of them.

As for shopping, there are online deliveries and I use it all the time, I have no one to fall back on but a few friends help me and it's with great thanks.

Can you take a stand?

Your grandfather, that's another story. Scary.
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Old 12-06-2018, 05:25 PM
 
6,277 posts, read 4,138,067 times
Reputation: 24726
You need to set boundaries and start looking for support services.
Stop telling them details , just a polite reference what time you will be home and where you might be going.

Let your gran be upset. It’s okay to allow someone to pout and have a tantrum, you don’t have to listen or cater to it.

Politely state you won’t be able to pick up said snack, let her pout.

Put a lock on your bedroom door, this is your private space.
Get Bluetooth earphones so you can listen to the tv as loud as you want.

Establish which days are out for shopping days and stick to it.
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Old 12-06-2018, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Vermont
9,176 posts, read 4,968,540 times
Reputation: 17358
Quote:
Originally Posted by zebrastriper View Post
I've lived with my grandparents all of my life. I am 30 years old and they raised me. I choose to live at home so I can help take care of them and because they gifted me their house in 2014. I have had a few girlfriends but I'm currently single with no children. I have an evening job and I have pretty much been able to keep a job. Here in the past 3 or 4 years it is getting progressively worse though. I spend all day running errands for them and by the time I get into work at 4pm I am exhausted. They get mad and complain when I sleep late. I work 4pm - 1am. Yesterday I was asked to go get firewood all morning before work, which I did. Today, I get to take my grandma all over town because she won't drive in snow. It's something every day. Luckily I'm off today. It's not my grandpa as much as it is my grandma that's annoying. My grandpa is a very bad alcoholic though, and he still drinks and drives often. He can't see very good either and I know it's only a matter of time until he hits someone or wrecks and injures himself. Because he drinks and talks down to my grandma when he does, the literally argue and bicker all of the time. I stay in my room mostly because she is always in the living room watching tv. Everytime I leave the house I get questioned about where I am going and who I am going with. To ensure I won't stay out late, she will ask me to bring her a snack or somehting back. If I don't do this she gets upset and guilt trips me when I get back. I had the flu recently and she complained that I was coughing too much. Literally every morning when I take my medications she says "what are you taking?" She will even come into my room late at night and tell me to turn the tv down. When I won't run errands for her or do somehting, she guilt trips me into doing it by talking about how she didn't have to raise me and could have let CPS have me for foster care. She is 72 and my grandpa is 82 and they are in good health overall, so I don't know how much longer this will go on. I love my grandparents, I really do, but I don't know if I should move out, or stay. I appreciate them gifting me the house, but I never asked for it and I didn't know it was going to take up this much of my life. I'm depressed all of the time and I really think that this is why. I am 30 years old and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Advice?
IMO this is an untenable situation. Was the 'gift' of the house contingent on your continued living there and 'taking care of them?' Sounds a little slavish. And I think the comments about not having to raise you are really out of line - in fact, pretty nasty, and yes, making you feel guilty so you'll continue to put up with this abuse, although no one can 'make' you feel guilty but yourself. You have no obligation to spend most/all your free time running around for them. If you really want to stay, you need to start setting some boundaries, although of course it may be too late for that. You can have a discussion about work/life/home 'balance' LOL and tell them you didn't sign up for indentured servitude, house or no house. You have a job and you should have a private/personal life, too.
I would NEVER let a drunk 82 year old get behind the wheel of a car, either. I'd take the keys and hide them. Too bad.
If I were you, I would leave. Good luck to you.
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Old 12-06-2018, 05:50 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,584,567 times
Reputation: 19636
OP: Take your grandpa's keys away, no matter what he says or does. Then call his doctor, report that he is an unsafe driver, and ask the doctor to report him to the DMV, or send the DMV an anonymous letter stating his driving is unsafe. You don't have to do into detail.

About your situation: If you can, sell your house, then rent an apartments for yourself and for your grandparents. If you can afford to with the proceeds, arrange for others to care for your grandparents in prepping meals, driving them places, etc. You can actually find people to do these kinds of tasks for $15-$20 per hour, and the money will be well-spent. Pay for someone to clean for them, as well.

You can manage their care without having to be on-call, but you are going to have to be smart about making some needed changes. Just tell them the current set-up is not working for you, and that you will "be there" for them, but you have to make some changes so that the arrangement works for everyone.

You are young - you shouldn't have to give up your entire life for them - and I don't think you have to if you can sell the house and have the proceeds support them with your management.
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Old 12-06-2018, 06:34 PM
 
75 posts, read 61,502 times
Reputation: 262
Weren't there tax consequences when they gifted you their house?


Anyway, give the house back to them, they can sell it, and move into an assisted living facility (or into an apartment with part time caregiver help).


You need to be on your own.
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Old 12-06-2018, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,917,855 times
Reputation: 50788
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverAng View Post
Weren't there tax consequences when they gifted you their house?


Anyway, give the house back to them, they can sell it, and move into an assisted living facility (or into an apartment with part time caregiver help).


You need to be on your own.
I actually agree with this.
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