Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-12-2018, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,652 posts, read 34,150,999 times
Reputation: 76717

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
So now I struggle with tolerating adults who seem to let fear rule their life, and more importantly, mine(!) because I'm not that way (hence why I called it selfish).
Some people are more hesitant with new things--that's just how they are. Keep in mind that they might view your frustrations as equally selfish.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-12-2018, 01:12 PM
 
50,234 posts, read 35,890,986 times
Reputation: 76177
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
To those who have asked why I get annoyed or angry with them. I was raised in an atmosphere that discouraged shying away from things out of fear. We were taught that you don't have the luxury of freezing in fear, else you won't get anywhere in life. For example, I was scared to swim in deep water and didn't do it when I was a young child. I would hang around in the shallow parts and move around pools holding onto the edge of the pool. I did that for a while. The way I was finally taught to learn how to swim (probably around age 9) was by being thrown into the deep end of the pool by some older cousins. You better believe I figured out how to swim in that moment. And it wasn't bad at all. I have plenty of examples of that sort of thing and as an adult I can see how this training has made me less fearful of doing things. Because I know it will be okay in the end and even enriching that I learned something new. So now I struggle with tolerating adults who seem to let fear rule their life, and more importantly, mine(!) because I'm not that way (hence why I called it selfish).
Liking the familiar and the comfortable and not wanting to try new things does not necessarily translate to fear. In my town, people rent the same beach houses year after year after year. Does that mean they’re afraid of going somewhere else on vacation? Of course not.

The way you were raised still doesn’t explain you’re actually feeling angry at people who aren’t like you. Some people were raised to keep their car and their house clean and neat. Other people were not and their house is cluttered. I don’t get angry at either one even if they’re completely different for me. I’m not very adventurous when it comes to food. I like to go to the same restaurants that I know are good. I have no desire to try exotic foods. I tend to order similar things when I go to restaurants. Does this mean I’m afraid of new food? Of course not I just means I like what I like. Why do I need to force myself to eat Thai food just to prove a point?

What do you think is really the root of your anger and judgement? Are you having a hard time finding people to do things with you? Can you get some examples?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-13-2018, 11:37 AM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,579,671 times
Reputation: 12334
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
What do you think is really the root of your anger and judgement? Are you having a hard time finding people to do things with you? Can you get some examples?

Well, one says she "wishes she could do more things" and definitely wishes she had a different life. The other might like the things he does like you do, but he has complained about nerves and having anxiety that has limited his abilities. These were his complaints, not mine. I'm just supposed to be understanding, and I don't know, maybe they want coddling or something, but I don't do that. I'm just like, it's not a big deal, you'll live.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-13-2018, 11:49 AM
 
50,234 posts, read 35,890,986 times
Reputation: 76177
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Well, one says she "wishes she could do more things" and definitely wishes she had a different life. The other might like the things he does like you do, but he has complained about nerves and having anxiety that has limited his abilities. These were his complaints, not mine. I'm just supposed to be understanding, and I don't know, maybe they want coddling or something, but I don't do that. I'm just like, it's not a big deal, you'll live.
It just sounds like you’re judging people for being different than you are. I never had desire for things like skydiving or roller coasters. I was always Miss Cautious. My mom is even worse. I walked my bike across the street and yelled “Wait for meeee!” To my friends. I went on scary rides as a kid and teen because my friends wanted to, but I never really enjoyed it. So why should I as an adult be talked into doing things I know I won’t like? My bff was a skydiver on a team and I’d hang at her drop zone with her, but I never had a desire to do it. I can’t imagine if she had judged me to the point of being angry at me. She was born an adrenaline junkie and daredevil, I was not.

We balance each other well. She has over the years pushed me beyond my comfort zone many times, especially as teens, but still accepted me as I am. And I’m sure I kept her alive a couple times talking her out of risky things.

Other people are too overwhelmed by anxiety to get out of their comfort zone. If anything might help them push through, it would be the feeling of safety and acceptance. Anger provides the exact opposite of that. They might also be just venting and not wanting to be “fixed”.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-13-2018, 12:34 PM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,579,671 times
Reputation: 12334
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
It just sounds like you’re judging people for being different than you are. I never had desire for things like skydiving or roller coasters. I was always Miss Cautious. My mom is even worse. I walked my bike across the street and yelled “Wait for meeee!†To my friends. I went on scary rides as a kid and teen because my friends wanted to, but I never really enjoyed it. So why should I as an adult be talked into doing things I know I won’t like? My bff was a skydiver on a team and I’d hang at her drop zone with her, but I never had a desire to do it. I can’t imagine if she had judged me to the point of being angry at me. She was born an adrenaline junkie and daredevil, I was not.

We balance each other well. She has over the years pushed me beyond my comfort zone many times, especially as teens, but still accepted me as I am. And I’m sure I kept her alive a couple times talking her out of risky things.

Other people are too overwhelmed by anxiety to get out of their comfort zone. If anything might help them push through, it would be the feeling of safety and acceptance. Anger provides the exact opposite of that. They might also be just venting and not wanting to be “fixedâ€.

I'm definitely not talking about doing crazy things, it's very mild, imo, simple things like I referenced before. Like parking in a different spot, trying a new restaurant, shopping at the same chain grocery store, but in a different location, working out on a tues instead of weds. I'm like, "okay relax, Rainman. Everything's going to be okay." I guess I am judging them. It's hard not to. And I am far from an adrenaline junkie. I play it fairly safe. I will work on not showing anger with them but I won't limit my own experience and will probably leave them by themselves.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-14-2018, 04:23 AM
 
Location: Arizona
8,230 posts, read 8,560,381 times
Reputation: 27520
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
I'm definitely not talking about doing crazy things, it's very mild, imo, simple things like I referenced before. Like parking in a different spot, trying a new restaurant, shopping at the same chain grocery store, but in a different location, working out on a tues instead of weds. I'm like, "okay relax, Rainman. Everything's going to be okay." I guess I am judging them. It's hard not to. And I am far from an adrenaline junkie. I play it fairly safe. I will work on not showing anger with them but I won't limit my own experience and will probably leave them by themselves.
People I know that work out do different body parts on different days. They are not going to change their routine.

Why would anyone go to a same chain/different location grocery store? What is the point? Driving farther?

There is a good reason that most restaurants fail. Why the successful ones have regular customers. It is the same with most types of business.

Parking spots are mostly habit.

I am sure you do many things the same way every time but only notice it in others.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-14-2018, 07:17 AM
 
12,643 posts, read 8,862,933 times
Reputation: 34587
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
I'm definitely not talking about doing crazy things, it's very mild, imo, simple things like I referenced before. Like parking in a different spot, trying a new restaurant, shopping at the same chain grocery store, but in a different location, working out on a tues instead of weds. I'm like, "okay relax, Rainman. Everything's going to be okay." I guess I am judging them. It's hard not to. And I am far from an adrenaline junkie. I play it fairly safe. I will work on not showing anger with them but I won't limit my own experience and will probably leave them by themselves.
The situation you described in the first post doesn't align with buying groceries from the same store, but a different location or parking in a different spot. What would be your point in going to a different location or parking in a different spot? Most people like parking in the same spot because they know where the car will be when they come out and don't have to waste time finding it. "Oops, it's in the lot on the other side of the building." Those aren't things that should evoke any kind of thought from you, much less a "Rainman" reaction.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-14-2018, 09:03 AM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,864 posts, read 30,954,560 times
Reputation: 47205
I'm not going to try and force things on people. Most of my family hate the idea of change. I try to mix things up to a point. I can't change them and I'm not going to stress about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-14-2018, 01:35 PM
 
1,347 posts, read 937,082 times
Reputation: 3958
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
But, I can give you an example about myself, if you wanted me to try something I've never tried before. First, don't call me and say you're ready to go do something in 5 minutes.

...

I also have a list of things I am not interested in at all - as I'm sure you are, too, OP, even if you say you like trying new things - you're talking about trying new things that you want to do. What you want to try may not sound at all good to someone else.

...

If you want me to go watch a football game with you either live or at a sports bar, I'd rather have a root canal. Well, I might go if it was during the day and you bought the beer...but you'd owe me.

Just remember that you are one person with wants and desires, and so is the other person. If that person kept trying to get you to do something you had zero interest or was appalled at the thought of - would that make you a bad or uninteresting person?
These are all me to a "T" - it's like you read my mind.

I prefer a balance of comfortable/familiar/routine and new/change. I can't do all change all the time. My brain can't successfully process new information and experiences 24/7/365. Often I just want what I want, and I'm especially susceptible to loss aversion/regret.... if I don't like the new experience/food, I'm going to be kicking myself for a while as to why I didn't just stick with old faithful. I'm probably just feeling cynical and tired here, but I have a lot of days where I get sick of hearing about "resistance to change" and "getting out of your comfort zone".

Regarding your childhood story of forcing you to figure out stressful situations like the deep-end of a pool... conversely, I grew up with parents (and some other authority figures) who did not have a lot of tolerance for mistakes, especially costly ones. So you learn quickly to be cautious and not stray too far towards the boundaries, and stick with the "safe" options. Keep that in mind as you are dealing with people who may wish they could expand their horizons, but may not be able to bring themselves to. Even now, I have to sometimes consciously remind myself that if something goes wrong or not as planned, likely no one cares but me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-14-2018, 10:59 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
15,970 posts, read 20,953,665 times
Reputation: 43233
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
So I guess my question is, how do you deal with people who don't like change or new things? (it can be something as simple as suggesting to eat at a new restaurant- and no, there are no food restrictions involved) or to look at a different website and they freak out. Why? I just don't get it. How do you cope with this?


On the other hand, like I said, maybe it's me. Maybe this is totally normal and my reaction is too much. Maybe I need therapy. I just feel like they are being kind of selfish. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this properly and not get riled up.
I understand, it gets boring to do the same o'l same ol' all the time and have people close to you not even being willing to TRY. I don't understand the attitude of "I like what I like" because if they won't even try a new thing how do they know they might not like that too?
I don't get angry over it but it is very, very annoying. I find that I wind up trying new things when I'm by myself or I join a group to do things with. When it comes to eating out with friends or family I try to compromise and we take turns choosing where to go, most restaurants have at least a few things that the non adventurous will eat, even if it's just a salad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top