Fearful Avoidant? What to do? (anxiety, boyfriend, dating, girlfriend)
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So this is a long story but I’ll try and sum it up. First I don’t know if he is a FA but he seems to have the same descriptions. So I’ll satrt with some background about what I’ve found out about his past: In highschool he had a serious girlfriend and they dated for 5 years which went into college. They were long distance in college bc they went to different schools. They’re still from the same home town though. At this same time while he was dating her his parents went through a divorce and one of his parents got remarried four years later. Eventually him and his ex girlfriend broke up. Apparently through a mutual friend told me that he was obsessed with her while they were dating but i kinda got the impression in a weird way.... which is weird bc I don’t think he’s the same with me. So anyways they broke up almost two and a half years ago. So a little over a year ago him and I met in our college town. We met the last week of school before graduation. We hung out every night that week. Then it was time for us to both go home to our hometowns. We found out we are only about two hours away from eachother so I eventually went to stay and visit with him and I met his childhood friends and everyone. We are both living at home at this point btw. Anyways throughout this whole thing he had weird behaviors like I would feel like he didn’t like me but then he would act like he did etc. so we have been hooking up so one time when we were about to hook up I stopped and asked him how he felt about me and all this. And he told me he liked me so much and wanted to be with me and be exclusive. To me that is a boyfriend? I didn’t use the term though but I didn’t want to push him. So we long distance had this realationship and then one weekend we were both visiting our college friends in our college town for a football game and he was acting distant and weird so I confronted him and he gave this big speach about how he was moving to another city even farther away and starting a job and how he didn’t think he was ready for a girlfriend. So we live about four hours away and occasionally we would text/Snapchat etc. even though we aren’t together So I would visit that city bc I have friends that lived there and he would find out I was in town and ask me to meet up and I would say I was busy. This went on for almost a year. Then i found out I too was moving to the same exact city and I mentioned it to him. When I was visiting I agreed to hang out with him and we started to hook up and then I stopped him and said “I thought u didn’t want to be in a realationship” and he basically told me he misses me and thinks about me everyday and wants to be with me and that he didn’t know what he meant earlier on and was all nervous about moving to a new city and he wants to prove himself to me. So I agree. So he was pretty good and a lot better this time around and he seemed very into me. So for the past 8 months our realationship was very on and off. He rarely wanted to see me. Like we would see eachother once every two weeks and we never did stuff in public and it started to feel like I was being used. The thing that was weird though is at times he wouldn’t want to see me even if I mentioned how I wanted to hook up tonight. So the pattern of me confronting him and kinda blowing up at him and then he’d say he wasn’t ready for a realationship and all this stuff and how he is okay with not hooking up anymore. Then like two days later he’d start snap chatting me and act like everything was normal. And then the next time we hung out he’d say that he wants to be exclusive. So this happens all the time that it got to the point that I would just ignore when he said he didn’t want to be in a realationship rn. So the past month through we were really starting to hang out more and improve. The only thing that bothered me was that he did this weird thing we’re he would try to hide me from his friends? Like make us a secret. Ive met them all before though. They have told me in the past that he can be really moody and weird and he has anxiety attacks all the time and that they really think he likes me a lot and to be patient. Anyways so we are hanging out a lot more and I am feeling close to him and then he goes two days without texting me and I get kinda mad and confront him. He sends this long text about how he is not ready for a realationship and how we shouldn’t hook up and the typical and he adds that he is glad we are friends. I got really mad and told him that I was going to find someone who wanted to be with me and that I didn’t want to be his friend. Right when I sent that he blocked me on snap chat. I texted him about that and he said that if we can’t be friends than we shouldn’t. I then go on to apologize and say I’m open to still being friends. I even get desperate and say we could still hook up and I’d be open to the idea. He says he doesn’t think we should be connected at all and keeps saying he can’t be attached to anyone and he wants to be alone. He tells me he wants everyone to think of him as having a girlfriend when in reality he just wants to be alone and not attached to anyone. I beg him to rethink things and it’s been a week and I’ve reached out to him twice and he hasn’t replied. We saw eachother at a party and I pretend to not see him even though he kept inching towards me. What should I do? Any thoughts on this? I really love him and I am very p
I fit the FA category too, but I don't trifle with people's affections or encourage them to be close to me in any way. It's a choice I make to keep life as simple as possible.
I'm sorry you've been treated like this. Your love interest sounds as immature as he does indecisive.
I was tempted to call "TL;DR" on this, but as a public service to us all here at City-Data, providing a paragraph-delimited version of this post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kathy94
So this is a long story but I’ll try and sum it up. First I don’t know if he is a FA but he seems to have the same descriptions. So I’ll start with some background about what I’ve found out about his past: In high school he had a serious girlfriend and they dated for 5 years which went into college.
They were long distance in college bc they went to different schools. They’re still from the same home town though. At this same time while he was dating her his parents went through a divorce and one of his parents got remarried four years later. Eventually him and his ex girlfriend broke up. Apparently through a mutual friend told me that he was obsessed with her while they were dating but i kinda got the impression in a weird way.... which is weird bc I don’t think he’s the same with me. So anyways they broke up almost two and a half years ago.
So a little over a year ago him and I met in our college town. We met the last week of school before graduation. We hung out every night that week. Then it was time for us to both go home to our hometowns. We found out we are only about two hours away from each other, so I eventually went to stay and visit with him, and I met his childhood friends and everyone. We are both living at home at this point btw. Anyways throughout this whole thing he had weird behaviors like I would feel like he didn’t like me but then he would act like he did etc. So we have been hooking up so one time when we were about to hook up, I stopped and asked him how he felt about me and all this. And he told me he liked me so much and wanted to be with me and be exclusive. To me that is a boyfriend? I didn’t use the term though but I didn’t want to push him.
So we long distance had this relationship and then one weekend we were both visiting our college friends in our college town for a football game and he was acting distant and weird so I confronted him and he gave this big speech about how he was moving to another city even farther away and starting a job and how he didn’t think he was ready for a girlfriend. So we live about four hours away and occasionally we would text/Snapchat etc. even though we aren’t together. So I would visit that city because I have friends that lived there and he would find out I was in town and ask me to meet up and I would say I was busy. This went on for almost a year.
Then i found out I too was moving to the same exact city and I mentioned it to him. When I was visiting I agreed to hang out with him and we started to hook up and then I stopped him and said “I thought u didn’t want to be in a relationship” and he basically told me he misses me and thinks about me everyday and wants to be with me and that he didn’t know what he meant earlier, on and was all nervous about moving to a new city, and he wants to prove himself to me. So I agree. So he was pretty good and a lot better this time around and he seemed very into me. So for the past 8 months our relationship was very on and off. He rarely wanted to see me. Like we would see each other once every two weeks and we never did stuff in public and it started to feel like I was being used. The thing that was weird though is at times he wouldn’t want to see me even if I mentioned how I wanted to hook up tonight.
So the pattern of me confronting him and kinda blowing up at him and then he’d say he wasn’t ready for a relationship and all this stuff and how he is okay with not hooking up anymore. Then like two days later he’d start snap chatting me and act like everything was normal. And then the next time we hung out he’d say that he wants to be exclusive. So this happens all the time that it got to the point that I would just ignore when he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship.
So the past month through we were really starting to hang out more and improve. The only thing that bothered me was that he did this weird thing we’re he would try to hide me from his friends? Like make us a secret. I've met them all before though. They have told me in the past that he can be really moody and weird and he has anxiety attacks all the time, and that they really think he likes me a lot and to be patient.
Anyways so we are hanging out a lot more, and I am feeling close to him, and then he goes two days without texting me, and I get kinda mad and confront him. He sends this long text about how he is not ready for a relationship and how we shouldn’t hook up and the typical and he adds that he is glad we are friends. I got really mad and told him that I was going to find someone who wanted to be with me and that I didn’t want to be his friend. Right when I sent that he blocked me on snap chat.
I texted him about that and he said that if we can’t be friends than we shouldn’t. I then go on to apologize and say I’m open to still being friends. I even get desperate and say we could still hook up and I’d be open to the idea. He says he doesn’t think we should be connected at all and keeps saying he can’t be attached to anyone and he wants to be alone.
He tells me he wants everyone to think of him as having a girlfriend when in reality he just wants to be alone and not attached to anyone. I beg him to rethink things and it’s been a week and I’ve reached out to him twice and he hasn’t replied. We saw each other at a party and I pretend to not see him even though he kept inching towards me. What should I do? Any thoughts on this? I really love him and I am very p
you want clarity in life...then be clear.. you want answers in life you must ask..
not knowing is a scarier ghost than whatever reality is...because we will haunt ourselves.....in any void
with those 4000 words....take a few of them and ask him point blank questions where he/we stands...
part of maturing is learning and weathering lifes' lessons..... you must know where your own compass points before trying to figure out anyone else's...… ambivalence is a sponge to being used...
set your life's goals - focus...
be prepared to walk ...with head held high.
never allow anyone to walk all over you or take you for granted....that is relationship roadkill.... and appeasement......appeasement is a disease......you don't stick up for yourself to avoid conflict … then it gets worse..
call him...be very assertive.... if you want this guy or think theres a future...… tell him 3 things he needs to do and until then cut it off....
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