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The chart was just a way to cause people to think about the concepts. I'm less concerned about the chart as I am the question,
"Have you ever known someone who does this? Someone who doesn't distinguish between losing your pencil and losing your only child, and displays equally and uncomfortably strong (supposed) "compassion" for both? How can you get them to tone it down without offending them, when you know they mean well and actually care, but its still makes you very uncomfortable?"
because to me, over-the-top compassion over relatively minor things feels unpleasant, like pity
I'd agree with that. Most people don't want to feel "pitied."
When I think of "Pity" I think of an almost "helpless sympathy." Meaning, I really pity her; she's being evicted and losing her kids; I can't help her because she's a wreck that refuses treatment for her mental illness and buys $200 in lottery tickets when she gets her hand on cash."
Thank you, Deserterer, for bringing up such a timely post. i've discovered that there are expectations of the other person to play a role for the "expecter's" needs to feel 'important' that (God forbid!) just don't apply in every situation. i'm 58 years old, was raised to think of myself as a whole person by wonderful parents...and when i hear i am 'in denial of my "tragic" life', it's a slap in the face (unfortunate pun here!) to both the integrity of my parents, myself and intelligent friends i have *already*.
Yes. I was going to mention that element of expectation but you are way ahead of me on this.
When innappropriate compassion is displayed, I feel like there is an (albeit unspoken) expectation for me to reciprocate, to be demonstrably grateful for their overflowing sense of caring. Just the opposite is true; I'm a bit resentful that an expection of gratefulness and an expected display reciprocal emotion is triggered by what is unwelcome behavior.
Because what kind of jerk isn't grateful and doesn't show it when someone obviously cares so much about them, right?
The chart was just a way to cause people to think about the concepts. I'm less concerned about the chart as I am the question,
"Have you ever known someone who does this? Someone who doesn't distinguish between losing your pencil and losing your only child, and displays equally and uncomfortably strong (supposed) "compassion" for both? How can you get them to tone it down without offending them, when you know they mean well and actually care, but its still makes you very uncomfortable?"
because to me, over-the-top compassion over relatively minor things feels unpleasant, like pity
I can relate to this...and you can tell me if we're on the same page...
My step dad, who's in his 80's now, was very much a "take charge" kind of guy when he was younger. Over the years, he made a lot of money, was a boss to many, and had a lot of authority.
And now...I think he struggles to be relevant. He WANTS to be in charge of...something. I truly believe that his heart is, more or less, in the right place...he wants to be helpful, he wants to be appreciated, but sometimes, it feels oppressive.
For instance...my dog needed a medical exam. He was having an issue (that we thought was minor) and it was around Thanksgiving, and we were going to take him to the vet after Thanksgiving, but my step dad said he couldn't sleep worrying about our dog, so HE made arrangements to take the dog to the vet, and told us about it after the fact, and told us not to worry about the expense, he'd handle it. And he did. And he has not let us pay a dime for any of my dog's treament. (turned out, my dog needed to have one of his toes removed, so clearly, the issue wasn't as minor as we thought it was.)
So, on one hand, it was irritating to me that my stepdad "took charge" of something that wasn't his to take charge of (and he does this behavior often, with all of us) but on the other hand...my dog is well now, and I'm grateful...but I wish he'd let us pay him back for the expense, because I feel beholden to him. And I feel like he WANTS me to feel beholden...so that HE feels relevant. He won't let us pay him back monetarily, but I try and pay it back in other ways...like picking up a bag of birdseed for them, or stopping at the local Dairy Queen and get blizzards or burgers...just little stuff like that.
I can relate to this...and you can tell me if we're on the same page...
My step dad, who's in his 80's now, was very much a "take charge" kind of guy when he was younger. Over the years, he made a lot of money, was a boss to many, and had a lot of authority.
And now...I think he struggles to be relevant. He WANTS to be in charge of...something. I truly believe that his heart is, more or less, in the right place...he wants to be helpful, he wants to be appreciated, but sometimes, it feels oppressive.
For instance...my dog needed a medical exam. He was having an issue (that we thought was minor) and it was around Thanksgiving, and we were going to take him to the vet after Thanksgiving, but my step dad said he couldn't sleep worrying about our dog, so HE made arrangements to take the dog to the vet, and told us about it after the fact, and told us not to worry about the expense, he'd handle it. And he did. And he has not let us pay a dime for any of my dog's treament. (turned out, my dog needed to have one of his toes removed, so clearly, the issue wasn't as minor as we thought it was.)
So, on one hand, it was irritating to me that my stepdad "took charge" of something that wasn't his to take charge of (and he does this behavior often, with all of us) but on the other hand...my dog is well now, and I'm grateful...but I wish he'd let us pay him back for the expense, because I feel beholden to him. And I feel like he WANTS me to feel beholden...so that HE feels relevant. He won't let us pay him back monetarily, but I try and pay it back in other ways...like picking up a bag of birdseed for them, or stopping at the local Dairy Queen and get blizzards or burgers...just little stuff like that.
I think some of the emotions are similar anyway. One difference is that you actually had a need that stepdad tried to fill without asking, and in my case I don't have a need. These purportedly compassionate acts are offered on the most trifling of circumstances.
I once had to have a friend take care of my dog for a couple days when I visited my mom who had surgery in a neighboring state. Well 2 days turned into nearly 2 weeks due to complications, and my friend had to take care of my dog all that time. She didn't seem to mind, and i was extremely grateful.
But she never let me pay her back either. She won't take money, I've offered to dog sit, or do whatever whenever, but she never has let me return a single favor in 15 years.But I don't feel the same way about her as I do this other person. She frustrates me a bit, but I'm not in any way resentful. But that one is a bit different too, because i did ask for her help initially.
I watched a video on YouTube just today where a counselor talked about how some people just aren't going to be easy friends, because the "recipe" is just wrong. It doesn't mean either person is a bad person, etc., but their personalities are just not going to work without one or both of them being irritated with the other person.
I also have an acquaintance who irritated me, so I don't spend time with her anymore, who constantly told me she was praying for me. It was really annoying. We'd be at a happy group event, without me talking about any problem or anything like that, and she'd whisper to me that she was praying for me. What the heck? I don't think she was deliberately trying to put me down, but what it communicated to me was that she thought something was wrong with me or my life. I swear it happened every time I saw her. Why would I want to hang out with someone who was constantly communicating to me that she thought my life was messed up and needed divine intervention? Just weird.
It was a new acquaintance and there were other things about her that were irritating, like never being able to get somewhere on time, so it just wasn't a relationship worth trying to fix to me. I know better now to let these people go from my life, as far as regular contact, rather than try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't make either of us a better person, it just means we're not a good recipe.
The chart was just a way to cause people to think about the concepts. I'm less concerned about the chart as I am the question,
"Have you ever known someone who does this? Someone who doesn't distinguish between losing your pencil and losing your only child, and displays equally and uncomfortably strong (supposed) "compassion" for both? How can you get them to tone it down without offending them, when you know they mean well and actually care, but its still makes you very uncomfortable?"
because to me, over-the-top compassion over relatively minor things feels unpleasant, like pity
I know of no one who does this.
I have known people who trivialize deep things or intense feelings by comparing them to simple problems, though.
It occurs to me that when anyone has an expectation of or need to have me express a feeling toward them in any way it's an annoyance.
Seems like it robs me of authenticity, spontaneity. In a sense it's a kind of subtle control to the point where you are left wondering whose needs are actually being met - the pitied or the pitier?
Of course many of us do this a lot of the time. Why wasn't he grateful? Show people, Johnny, that you are happy when they give you a gift. Is she ignoring me? What are they really thinking?
The "pity" definition is the least accurate of all, yeah.
It's different than simply acknowledging.
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