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My brother is a drug addict. Even writing this breaks my heart. He has a beautiful 15 mo. old son. I get so angry at him. His addiction is the most important thing to him. He would tell me 'watch my son, I'll be back.' He would leave me alone with his son for hours only to come back high as a kite. I don't know what to do. Our family found out about 3 years ago he was using but he has been doing it over a decade. His girlfriend knew all along and I am so angry at her. But I don't want to blame her for it, because it is not her fault. But she could've said something. My brother would lie to my face, he sounds to convincing. He would say 'yeah, I'll stop. I gotta change.' But one hour later he would get high. He has been to rehab for 1 month. The next day out of rehab he got high. What can I do? I know I can't force him, he is 34!
Apparently addiction is a brain disease. No matter how strong you think you are, it almost impossible to stop. I am scared I will find him dead on the streets. I try to encourage him to finish his degree (he is 12 credits short), and find a job. He keeps saying yes for years and doesn't do anything to change. How can I help? What can I do? Am I right to be angry at his girlfriend for not telling us from the beginning? I am scared.
You can't reason with addicts. The only way to help him is to offer to help him get clean. If he refuses, then your last recourse to accelerate his fall to the bottom by cutting him off completely until he gets clean. If he is a danger to his son by way of neglect, you may also need to get CPS involved.
If his girlfriend knows and has known from the beginning, chances are she's an addict too.
Speaking of which, where is she when your brother is fobbing the kid off on you?
You can't reason with addicts. The only way to help him is to offer to help him get clean. If he refuses, then your last recourse to accelerate his fall to the bottom by cutting him off completely until he gets clean. If he is a danger to his son by way of neglect, you may also need to get CPS involved.
If his girlfriend knows and has known from the beginning, chances are she's an addict too.
Speaking of which, where is she when your brother is fobbing the kid off on you?
Yes, cut him off....no money, no drugs. It's tough but if you keep helping him in any way, you are enabling his behavior. File for child custody if necessary. Or of course there's an intervention.
My brother is a drug addict. Even writing this breaks my heart. He has a beautiful 15 mo. old son. I get so angry at him. His addiction is the most important thing to him. He would tell me 'watch my son, I'll be back.' He would leave me alone with his son for hours only to come back high as a kite. I don't know what to do. Our family found out about 3 years ago he was using but he has been doing it over a decade. His girlfriend knew all along and I am so angry at her. But I don't want to blame her for it, because it is not her fault. But she could've said something. My brother would lie to my face, he sounds to convincing. He would say 'yeah, I'll stop. I gotta change.' But one hour later he would get high. He has been to rehab for 1 month. The next day out of rehab he got high. What can I do? I know I can't force him, he is 34!
Apparently addiction is a brain disease. No matter how strong you think you are, it almost impossible to stop. I am scared I will find him dead on the streets. I try to encourage him to finish his degree (he is 12 credits short), and find a job. He keeps saying yes for years and doesn't do anything to change. How can I help? What can I do? Am I right to be angry at his girlfriend for not telling us from the beginning? I am scared.
First of all, I am very sorry you're going through this. Addiction in a loved one is incredibly difficult to deal with, even without a baby involved. Wow, this has got to be heartbreaking.
I am not criticizing you, so please don't take what I am about to say that way.
Yes, his addiction is the most important thing to him. Yes, he is lying - to everyone. Even himself.
The interesting missing link in this story is the girlfriend. I mean, you discuss her but we don't know where she is. One thing I do know from what you've told me is that even knowing he was on drugs, she chose to have sex with him and have a baby with him. Wow, that's scary.
I agree with others who have said that she is probably also an addict. That being said, it would probably be difficult to get custody of the baby with her involved. And yes, you are "right" to be angry with her, but not any more angry with her than you are with your brother. She is not any more guilty of anything than he is, from what I can see. And she probably felt like she didn't owe you any sort of explanations anyway.
See, to me, the biggest burning issue in all of this is the safety and wellbeing of that innocent child. I know you are heartbroken about your brother, but please bear in mind that anything you do FOR him - or his girlfriend - at this point is probably only enabling his addiction and probably hers too, because yes, once again I want to reiterate, she is probably also an addict. That poor baby!
And I always feel so sorry for family members in this situation because often they end up having to fight for the safety and wellbeing of innocent children - but these children often have health and emotional issues due to the instability of their parents and their addictions. And then on top of that drama, you have the ongoing issues of the parents trying to be involved, or NOT being involved, or whatever and it must feel like "OK I have an obligation to this child, but my gosh, I LOVE my brother so much!" It seems very difficult and sad.
I have a brother who is an addict. Thankfully he doesn't have children. THANK THE LORD. And he is not likely to have children at this point but who knows - anything could happen, oh my gosh.
But my parents and I and his (now ex) wife (understandably an ex) had to cut him off completely and let him totally crash and burn. THEN he committed some crimes and then he got arrested and put in a five year program - which didn't really REALLY work but it sort of worked - I mean, he shook the addictions and complied for five years but he got out of the program in September and he's getting worse again, and frankly I expect him to revert to past behaviors. Maybe he won't, but the odds are that he will.
I don't really think there's a lot we can do for an addict. They have to do it really themselves and God bless those who do so. It's got to be tough, but there are success stories out there.
OP: I am sorry about your situation and your concern about your brother. He has to WANT to get sober and stay sober. No one can do it for him.
The best thing you can do is have good boundaries and take good care of yourself.
As far as the baby is concerned . . . I didn't really understand where everyone is. Is the girlfriend a fit mother? If so, then try to support her. I am not sure why you are mad at her.
Do everything you can to support the girlfriend and baby and hope that your brother gets his act together at some point.
My brother is a drug addict. Even writing this breaks my heart. He has a beautiful 15 mo. old son. I get so angry at him. His addiction is the most important thing to him. He would tell me 'watch my son, I'll be back.' He would leave me alone with his son for hours only to come back high as a kite. I don't know what to do. Our family found out about 3 years ago he was using but he has been doing it over a decade. His girlfriend knew all along and I am so angry at her. But I don't want to blame her for it, because it is not her fault. But she could've said something. My brother would lie to my face, he sounds to convincing. He would say 'yeah, I'll stop. I gotta change.' But one hour later he would get high. He has been to rehab for 1 month. The next day out of rehab he got high. What can I do? I know I can't force him, he is 34!
Apparently addiction is a brain disease. No matter how strong you think you are, it almost impossible to stop. I am scared I will find him dead on the streets. I try to encourage him to finish his degree (he is 12 credits short), and find a job. He keeps saying yes for years and doesn't do anything to change. How can I help? What can I do? Am I right to be angry at his girlfriend for not telling us from the beginning? I am scared.
How awful for you and your family. Very sorry it’s a heartbreaking situation.
I’ll give you a little perspective from the addict’s POV, as someone who’s been through it and come out the other side, going on 10 years sober and 12 for my husband.
The anger is not helpful. Justified, and understandable, but not helpful. If it’s too hard for you to communicate with him without anger then probably best to stop communicating all together. It won’t make him stop. He’ll just get defensive and when addicts feel bad they use more. (Not that we ever needed an excuse). Nothing you say will have any validity to him if you’re mad.
Don’t think that because he HAS to put using first that other things are not important. Your perspective on importance and priorities are not the same as his. You’ll never understand so try not to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to grasp how he has to get high first before anything else. He needs to do it that way, and you can’t reason, or cajole, or threaten him out of it. It is what it is. It’s addiction.
The only option open to you is to point him in the right direction, and then stay out of it until he comes to realise it’s fruitless to continue, and his despair suddenly outweighs the uncomfortable truth of sobriety.
I would suggest an intervention where you very calmly lay out the facts, and nothing but. The fact that he’ll lose his kid, his family, his kid will hate him forever for putting them through this, there is no good outcome, you and his loved ones will not engage him in any way until he gets into recovery, end of story. That you all love him very much. Then leave it to him. If he’s ready he’ll fix it, but you have ZERO control over that.
If the kid is in danger, go to an al anon type meeting and seek guidance from others who’ve been in your shoes. They’ll help you. You won’t be the first.
There are some interesting new medical treatments on the horizon. For many that will be the only hope.
Leave the girlfriend alone, except as a ln ally in intervention. She’s doing the best she can, and is really in a sticky spot with a baby. Being angry at her is also counterproductive.
I wish your family all the best. It is actually possible for people to live a great life after addiction. Got to let them get there first.
I don't understand all your thread such as " would get high" "he got high" statements.
But If you make addiction a brain decease and you believe of it as an impossible thing to stop, you are justifying it and will justify what addicted persons could commit of odd crimes; it's unacceptable whether you mean it or not.
In my opinion:
* The thing that nobody would argue about is that your brother MUST stop whether by his will or force.
* He considers dangerous on his baby; he shouldn't live or take care of him since he is still an addict father.
* If you want to help him, DO NOT give him money.
* If you know through him or anybody else the source of drugs (the one who sell it to people), report him if that will not cause a trouble to you.
* If you are worried about your brother's condition, then improve him to get clean by paying for his treatment/recovering, NOT for him.
I mean if this place "rehab" requires him to pay money to stay longer, pay to them directly, he may need to stay longer than only one month.
* He needs to be busy whether with studying or job. Having much free time, according to him & his condition particularly, is not a good idea. It doesn't help him to recover or to forget those poisons. And in order to achieve that he needs to have a will. If his addiction get to the extent that made him has a weak will. Then just take him to a rehab first and pay for his recovering.
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