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there is some paradox about people who have been severely bullied as children. Some, if not most, are not able to connect to people never again in their lives, so other people hate them for what they've became. I'm one of these bullied people.
Today I'm not bullied at all, because the primary cause of me being bullied is gone. But I still expect people to hurt me. I realized that my entire life is counter-phobic behavior. I put myself to situations to try overcome my limitations, but most of the time it doesn't go very well.
Here's how my contact with people usually goes. I will tell you about 1:1 contacts, because in groups I'm freaking out and I'm wearing my mask. I try to talk to someone many times during the day. Sometimes my voice is very quiet and people ask me to repeat what I said. I feel embarrassed at this point. I try to tell something to that person or just ask question, hoping he or she won't hurt me. People dismiss me a lot, probably because I appear dull. My anxiety makes my voice very monotonous and my body language frozen. But I also know how it feels to feel more relaxed and people give me completely different kind of feedback then. It flows. But it's like 3% of my all interactions or less.
I also send negative vibes a lot. People assume I'm just a mean person, while what it really is is my cope mechanism. I guess that's how it works for many "mean" people. I will dismiss a person by grumpy face or short answers to just end the interaction that I'm unable to handle. I feel sorry for that person afterwards, because what I do is not what I really feel towards that person. But unfortunately it's like that most of the time. My brain is busy with analyzing and avoiding being hurt again, so there is no space to actually connect with the person I'm interacting with. It amazed me when I see people talking smoothly to each other, having dynamic body language and being relaxed, keeping eye contact that doesn't seem forced etc. That's what I never, ever experienced.
When I feel like I'm on fire, energy level is better than usual, I easily become cocky. I guess that's how I want to express my achievement of overcoming huge part of the anxiety. That is not the greatest behavior in the eyes of most people neither. My best interactions are these when I really am focused on something else or just did something really satisfying shortly before.
I would like to improve my social interactions, because being rejected this much causes lots of problems. I also tend to stick too much to people who I find understanding, appearing as needy.
Can any of you relate?
Your problems are great. You are motivated to change. See a therapist to learn how to cope with your anxiety.
It’s a crying shame about your experiences being bullied. Now you have the challenge of rebuilding your confidence. Please do find a kind therapist to work with you on this. You are worth the work!
I don't see being bullied always ending up like this. Many people who were bullied end up becoming just the opposite. They become more empathetic and kind because they have learned how NOT to treat others. Being victimized can teach a person good lessons as well as bad ones. Not every victim of a bully wears it around their neck like a medal.
I do not get the feeling that OP is "wearing it around their neck like a medal" as you seem to be implying they are. They're simply stating the effect that they think bullying has had on them and wondering if anyone else has felt this way.
If I understand correctly what is implied by "wearing as a medal", I don't think I do that. There certainly is a narcissistic part in me (which I explained above), but I do not label myself as a bullying victim on daily basis. And I don't think I do that unconsciously neither. My story has some twists and contradictions to it and I believe that's why I do engage in all this counter-phobic behavior.
My journey leads to learning a lot of things behind the scenes. I have been through many psychological books, therapies, insights, analyzing etc. Subconsciously I think that I am still "not aware of something" that other people are. That they did some work I haven't done. But it is not true - this kind of anxiety is not the result of missing "do's". It's the result of extra "do's".
Today I know that the key to good relationships with people and oneself is to not allow the mind to undermine one's emotions. I believe every single person who overuses his or her mind by labeling, judging and conceptualising ends up being anxious and not connected to the flow of everything. The thing is, it is labeling, judging and conceptualising that helped me to not go crazy during the hell I've been through. I've been engaging myself in finding answers why these people do that. Today it's my second nature to overanalyze everything.
I've known your pain OP. Living with the trauma of an abusive past can be infernal when you have to interact with people who have little to no experience with it.
Unfortunately, the only hope for real change lies totally on you. Therapy is one option, but I would also consider mindful meditation as well as making any positive lifestyle changes that you can. PTSD is brain damage, but it can be helped by improving your mental and physical health.
Yes I can relate in that due to constant trauma as a child I am hard wired to expect and cope with rejection and abuse. This will never change , However I know this and have learned to recognize triggers and not project and misread others, to take my time to process and not react.
What you are doing is feeding into a self fulfilling phrophecy , the universe is not punishing you, you are. People don’t hate you because you were bullied,they are reacting to you. Seeing a trauma therapist ,one understands pstd or complex pstd might be prudent.
In the early part of this video the speaker shares how a child’s mind becomes wired by the repetitive trauma of abuse. https://youtu.be/otxAuHG9hKo
Thank you for posting this. I found myself nodding yes many times watching this. I don't think there are enough "safe" people in our world. Many have never had a "safe person" in their lives. I'm sure you've helped at least a few (me included) by posting such a pertinent presentation. I really like this woman speaker and will check out more of her work. Thank you.
In the early part of this video the speaker shares how a child’s mind becomes wired by the repetitive trauma of abuse. https://youtu.be/otxAuHG9hKo
I have watched the entire video. The parts I found most touching were:
"All of their psychological energy is bent by necessity toward coping"
"Trauma silences human beings"
Being unable to tell the story of life as a narrative. Instead, telling it in pieces.
You guys can call me arrogant, but I have felt that psychology as a science is vert limited, since I had first meeting with a psychologist. Then, my opinion was getting proven more and more by other ones and by books. I often felt like these concepts are too simple and, for my knowing, most patients stay don't find working solutions. The recent concept of Complex PTSD also proves that. It's a new concept of such a common thing. Before people like me were thrown into PTSD bag, which does work only partially. PTSD treatment doesn't work for the cases like mine. And if C-PTSD is a new concept, I can assume that it's not very well explored yet either.
Another thing I wanna say is that I love the way this lady speaks. I mentioned that before that it always impresses me when I see people talking so smoothly, because I never, ever do that. My entire behavior is built on anxiety and uncertainty. When I speak, lots of my attention goes to analyzing how I am perceived. Am I going to be ridiculed in a minute? Do people listen to me? Do they find me pathetic?
A new thing about me that I haven't mentioned before is that I have always wanted to be an actor. Since kindergarten, I played the main parts in every show we did back then. Later, in primary school and next schools, I played main parts too. But these traumatic events made me worse of an actor than before. I've been constantly seeking approval and sometimes I've been forgetting the lines. When I was about 15 years old, I somehow learned how to sing. And I think I'm pretty good a this. Especially with very emotional songs. It's like my brain is able to create moods with sound, I've heard many times that people get goosebumps when I sing. They also tell me I sound different comparing to when I speak. That's because I barely breathe when I speak and my voice is monotonous, like I mentioned before. It's not all roses though, because most of the time I'm not able to get a nice singing voice out of me neither, because my diaphragm is frozen, just like most of my body. People still like it when I sing in a frozen state, but it's much worse comparing to when I sing in relaxed state. If I like something about me, it's how I can put emotions to singing. It's amazing I'm able to do that, because I don't seem to have any other artistic skills.
Last thing for this post is that this monotonous voice make people constantly yawn at me. Even some psychologists have been yawning when I've been speaking. Some were stopping it, some did not. It was really humiliating. The sound of the voice is really more important than the things we say. And for now, it's a failed game for me.
Then there's the whole idea of forgiveness...that's not just for the bully, it is also for yourself.
Victims do not owe their bullies anything at all and not everyone feels better because they forgive. And some people do just fine without forgiving anyone.
Victims do not owe their bullies anything at all and not everyone feels better because they forgive. And some people do just fine without forgiving anyone.
I think it depends what you expect from life. Enough exploration of psychology always leads to forgiveness. You realize then how your bullies are victims themselves. People who don't suffer themselves will never hurt others like that. At least that's what I do and want to believe. To me it looks like that:
Worst scenario: be victimized and allow to take advantage
Better scenario: don't allow others to get you, be their enemy
Best scenario: forgive and let go, understand why they are like that
I was emotionally abused by my mother from early on, and did not realize it. I also had a learning disability in the form of severe ADD. I was awkward and unhappy and constantly bullied. Depression and anxiety are my constant companions. It was a long road to get to any form of normalcy.
I had no concept of what a healthy relationship or interaction looked like. I was terrified of interacting with people, had no clue how to do it and just was freaked out and reclusive all the time. But by the time I was 25, by some miracle, I was in a relationship with a guy who was terrifying to most people but made me feel safe. He was not a good person, but he adored me and gave me the space I needed to get myself straightened out. Having a safe place to be myself and someone to have my back gave me the courage to start reaching out more socially and interacting with the world. I started to learn how to interact like a normal person.
The relationship ended. I got a part-time retail job at a store I loved shopping in. I met people with similar interests from all walks of life and was literally forced to interact with the general public. It lost its terror for me very slowly. My new friends were much more functional and put together than my ex, and I learned from them. By the time I was 30, I had a birthday party to celebrate, and more than 50 people showed up. For me. It was the biggest boost and it made me so joyful.
Finally, at 40, I came to understand how my mother had damaged me. It took me that long to figure it out. So into therapy I went. 18 months later, my therapist declared me ready to move beyond therapy. I'm happier and more at ease than I've ever been. I have hobbies and a wide circle of supportive friends, some awesome dogs and a pretty impressive career.
So this is my advice: Push your boundaries. Research your issues on your own - there are tons of books out there. See a therapist and take their assignments seriously. Make sure the people you invite into your life and allow to influence your behavior are GOOD and functional people. And finally, get out of your own way.
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