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there is some paradox about people who have been severely bullied as children. Some, if not most, are not able to connect to people never again in their lives, so other people hate them for what they've became. I'm one of these bullied people.
Today I'm not bullied at all, because the primary cause of me being bullied is gone. But I still expect people to hurt me. I realized that my entire life is counter-phobic behavior. I put myself to situations to try overcome my limitations, but most of the time it doesn't go very well.
Here's how my contact with people usually goes. I will tell you about 1:1 contacts, because in groups I'm freaking out and I'm wearing my mask. I try to talk to someone many times during the day. Sometimes my voice is very quiet and people ask me to repeat what I said. I feel embarrassed at this point. I try to tell something to that person or just ask question, hoping he or she won't hurt me. People dismiss me a lot, probably because I appear dull. My anxiety makes my voice very monotonous and my body language frozen. But I also know how it feels to feel more relaxed and people give me completely different kind of feedback then. It flows. But it's like 3% of my all interactions or less.
I also send negative vibes a lot. People assume I'm just a mean person, while what it really is is my cope mechanism. I guess that's how it works for many "mean" people. I will dismiss a person by grumpy face or short answers to just end the interaction that I'm unable to handle. I feel sorry for that person afterwards, because what I do is not what I really feel towards that person. But unfortunately it's like that most of the time. My brain is busy with analyzing and avoiding being hurt again, so there is no space to actually connect with the person I'm interacting with. It amazed me when I see people talking smoothly to each other, having dynamic body language and being relaxed, keeping eye contact that doesn't seem forced etc. That's what I never, ever experienced.
When I feel like I'm on fire, energy level is better than usual, I easily become cocky. I guess that's how I want to express my achievement of overcoming huge part of the anxiety. That is not the greatest behavior in the eyes of most people neither. My best interactions are these when I really am focused on something else or just did something really satisfying shortly before.
I would like to improve my social interactions, because being rejected this much causes lots of problems. I also tend to stick too much to people who I find understanding, appearing as needy.
I don't see being bullied always ending up like this. Many people who were bullied end up becoming just the opposite. They become more empathetic and kind because they have learned how NOT to treat others. Being victimized can teach a person good lessons as well as bad ones. Not every victim of a bully wears it around their neck like a medal.
I was thinking about that as well. I don't know where is the difference. Maybe being bullied by a single group of people, while having the supporting ones makes it different? I didn't have anyone to support me, really. My parents didn't care and were criticising me for other things. I learned how to close myself in my inner world where I'm safe. That's how I live to this day, but at the same time I never accepted being perceived as such person, so I'm still trying.
I never chose to be like this. Yet, the universe punishes me for that. I spent lots of time and money on finding solutions to improve this. I improved lots of areas by that, but I still don't seem to get along with people. And most people just judge me as unfriendly or cocky. It really feels unfair that most people have for free what I can't have even by trying hard. I'm slowly growing up to conclusion that social life is just not for me. I imagine other people living without arms or with some serious disease. Maybe that's just my "disease" that I need to accept. I will never find peace if I never stop trying to fix this without success.
Well, you can learn to retreat when faced with aggression and end up living in fear and resentment or you can learn to withstand it, ignore it, and by doing so neutralize the aggressor. Even if a person truly feels they have no one who supports them I think they are still capable of making this choice. Retreating into resentment and bitterness often seems the easier way, and it is always easy to blame others for not intervening. Standing up to a bully may seem difficult initially, but once someone sees how much strength they get the lesson becomes easier...it reinforces itself. No one can turn you into a victim unless you allow it. Then there's the whole idea of forgiveness...that's not just for the bully, it is also for yourself.
I wonder how many people found the power in themselves to „not allow that”, with no support. I’m afraid the answer is zero.
It doesn’t matter now, because like I said, nobody bullies me anymore. It’s now that I can’t connect to anybody, because I’m afraid of judgement and possible humiliation, which I know way too well.
People take many things for granted. The issues I’m describing here are the reactions of my emotional system that most people are not familiar with when there is no real threat. Then, how would I find the fix myself if that’s how my body and mind react? Has anyone ever proved it’s even possible?
I don't see being bullied always ending up like this. Many people who were bullied end up becoming just the opposite. They become more empathetic and kind because they have learned how NOT to treat others. Being victimized can teach a person good lessons as well as bad ones. Not every victim of a bully wears it around their neck like a medal.
This is my daughter. She was bullied every day in middle school while at an international school in Europe until I finally removed her and started online school.
I worked hard to help her build her self esteem back up over the next years. Luckily, she has high EQ and normal mental health. By the time she graduated from HS she was a much more compassionate, thoughtful person with a good sense of self. Now she is a Psych major and wants to be a therapist.
OP, I'd be willing to bet your problems stem from some other difference you have, and you were bullied because of it. Have you been screened for things like anxiety, OCD, ASD or other underlying syndromes?
Contrary to your OP, most people who were bullied as children recover fully if they have a good mental health foundation to begin with.
Yes I can relate in that due to constant trauma as a child I am hard wired to expect and cope with rejection and abuse. This will never change , However I know this and have learned to recognize triggers and not project and misread others, to take my time to process and not react.
What you are doing is feeding into a self fulfilling phrophecy , the universe is not punishing you, you are. People don’t hate you because you were bullied,they are reacting to you. Seeing a trauma therapist ,one understands pstd or complex pstd might be prudent.
In the early part of this video the speaker shares how a child’s mind becomes wired by the repetitive trauma of abuse. https://youtu.be/otxAuHG9hKo
there is some paradox about people who have been severely bullied as children. Some, if not most, are not able to connect to people never again in their lives, so other people hate them for what they've became. I'm one of these bullied people.
Today I'm not bullied at all, because the primary cause of me being bullied is gone. But I still expect people to hurt me. I realized that my entire life is counter-phobic behavior. I put myself to situations to try overcome my limitations, but most of the time it doesn't go very well.
Here's how my contact with people usually goes. I will tell you about 1:1 contacts, because in groups I'm freaking out and I'm wearing my mask. I try to talk to someone many times during the day. Sometimes my voice is very quiet and people ask me to repeat what I said. I feel embarrassed at this point. I try to tell something to that person or just ask question, hoping he or she won't hurt me. People dismiss me a lot, probably because I appear dull. My anxiety makes my voice very monotonous and my body language frozen. But I also know how it feels to feel more relaxed and people give me completely different kind of feedback then. It flows. But it's like 3% of my all interactions or less.
I also send negative vibes a lot. People assume I'm just a mean person, while what it really is is my cope mechanism. I guess that's how it works for many "mean" people. I will dismiss a person by grumpy face or short answers to just end the interaction that I'm unable to handle. I feel sorry for that person afterwards, because what I do is not what I really feel towards that person. But unfortunately it's like that most of the time. My brain is busy with analyzing and avoiding being hurt again, so there is no space to actually connect with the person I'm interacting with. It amazed me when I see people talking smoothly to each other, having dynamic body language and being relaxed, keeping eye contact that doesn't seem forced etc. That's what I never, ever experienced.
When I feel like I'm on fire, energy level is better than usual, I easily become cocky. I guess that's how I want to express my achievement of overcoming huge part of the anxiety. That is not the greatest behavior in the eyes of most people neither. My best interactions are these when I really am focused on something else or just did something really satisfying shortly before.
I would like to improve my social interactions, because being rejected this much causes lots of problems. I also tend to stick too much to people who I find understanding, appearing as needy.
Can any of you relate?
That’s helpful introspection. It’s very relateable, even in the way that you are aware of how you react in the counter-phobic behavior.
I’ve learned a lot just having read this. I hope things get better and that you go easy on yourself. Awareness should be a moment. A spark. This kind of deep realization needs the reward that follows with repeated, modified behavior (a bit more assertive today...then again tomorrow).
I was never bullied extensively as a kid I dealt with a couple of individuals rather harshly back then. Me and my brother had a very competitive relationship and if there was someone you could call a bully it would be my sister but really it's just sibling rivalries. Anyway I do have one issue and that is I make people nervous. I'm a large person, 6' tall and 230 lbs. Built like an NFL linebacker.
In this society, where fear rules most peoples minds I found a few ways to cope.
When possible dress nicely when in public. Look like you put some effort into it.
Don't approach people too quickly and aggressively. Smile before you speak, say hello and don't really start a conversation. It helps to let the others get used to you, your presence. Listening politely is never a bad thing. If you are in a social situation start conversations with the most relaxed person. Talk clearly but not loudly.
Having a sense of humor is even better. I still need to work on mine. Both my daughters are terrified of my humor in social situations because they consider it totally perverted. And they're right.
The biggest thing it took me forever to figure out was letting people get used to my presence in the room. for a long time in my life I simply didn't take it seriously and scoffed. I was being inconsiderate (my daughters broke me of it when they were young) of many things other people considered relevant.
There's people that you will never fit in with, there are people that it will take a long time to adjust to you. Some will not even bat an eye.
You need to quit beating yourself up too. IMO.
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