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I am married. My wife has a 3 year old son, we do not have children together and we don't plan on it.
It is nobody's business how someone lives their life.
No it’s not - but you don’t fit the thread title anyway. I’m a single man (without kids), and I didn’t even realize there was a stigma! Of course, I live and work in a large city, where I assume it’s not as much of a thing. Either that, or I’m just clueless.
I realize that - what I'm saying is that it is easier if you can use health issues as an excuse or buffer rather than perhaps making it sound like you just.don't.want.kids. It's a far different thing if you can say, yeah, I really want kids but healthwise not smart for me - of course then you are told that you can spend $50k to adopt! Is it acceptable to just say "no", end of sentence, is my point.
This crap with not allowing women to get themselves sterilized is unreal. I hadn't realized how bad the problems were until I started reading about them.
I had my tubes tied back in the 80s. I think I was in my mid 20s or thereabouts, single, and no kids. I just walked in and asked, they wanted us to attend a meeting to make sure we all understood what was involved, and then we could make the appointment and get sterilized.
Now I'm reading about doctors who insist women be over thirty, have three kids, get their husband's permission, and on and on. Then they still try to discourage women left and right. Then there's the fact that so many hospitals today are Catholic hospitals and they refuse to sterilize anyone.
The other thing I'm reading about is single women without kids constantly being asked to cover holidays, OT, extra shifts, and travel because they don't have kids and because they supposedly have "more free time". A lot of mothers with kids also get a pass at work to come in late and take days off because of their kids.
I know when one of our vault workers got pregnant, she couldn't lift, she couldn't carry, she couldn't basically even stand for any length of time. What that meant was that she came to work and did nothing and got paid for it and the rest of use did our jobs and hers as well for no extra pay.
At that time, it was, well, you just put up with it because "your turn will come" but that shouldn't fly today, even though it's still happening. I still remember when all the young women I worked with were getting pregnant and they all had baby showers. I counted up how many I'd have to attend and how much it would cost and decided it would either be everyone or no one. I chose no one because no way could I afford to finance all those kids.
You'd have thought the world ended. I was told I needed to go to the parties because these women would attend my baby shower when I was expecting. Not if. When. And I'd had the same conversation over and over with any and all coworkers who asked. I didn't want kids and I wasn't having any. But of course, at the age of 24, I was old enough to make the mature decision to have a baby if I'd been married, but being single and not wanting to have kids, I was "too young" to know how I really felt about it.
And from what I hear and read these days, not much has changed since then.
And an FYI, neither of my parents are autistic. I have an uncle that is and my grandmother on my mum's side most likely was, but not my parents. In fact, my mother is about as neurotypical as it gets. I didn't get any help for it when I was growing up back in the 90's because neither of them wanted to acknowledge that anything was wrong with me and the school I went to sucked.
Yup, I’m the first in my family. In the mid-1970s when I started elementary school, they had no experience with autism so I was diagnosed; “Retarded”. My mom had a fit & demanded more testing, during which they realized I was reading at a HS graduate level (in the 2nd grade). Then I was removed from SPED but this is why I’m so surprised that people believe that “autism was always here; we just called it something different” ... because if you didn’t fit the bill for the “something different”; you were just left to flounder on your own. It’s very obvious that nobody had seen much of “those like us” before.
I will say I can see some Broad Autistic Phenotype (BAP) in my family. A lot, actually, especially on my mom’s side. They are introverts but not socially awkward or even anxious. Very brilliant doctors & scientists that preferred being in the lab in the middle of the night when nobody was around to “bother them”. My aunt especially; had a serious & “flat” affect. She was a perfectionist & definitely not a team-player. On my dad’s side they are much more neurotypical; housewives, business women, lawyers & military men with the exception of maybe one uncle who became a Benedictine Monk.
Also, I have had DNA analysis done, as have 7 of my family members from 3 generations & I’ve checked 20+ Of my “autism-associated” genes & it’s pretty obvious that if the science is right; that I was a “sitting duck” but autism isn’t a non-inheritable Chromosomal disorder, like Down’s & it’s not a inherited single-Gene disorder, like cystic fibrosis.
That only leaves one option ... multifactorial (sometimes called “complex”); a common environmental factor impacting many gene variants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady
No one wants to acknowledge this issue, but the stigma against single, childless people over 30 is real. Past 30, you're meant to have your Mod cut. together and be married with kids. If you're not, people see you as some sort of non adult and you end up losing friends when they get pregnant, as parents tend to only want to be friends with other parents and people change when they have kids. Dating becomes difficult too, because you're left with the people who are also not good enough to be part of society by following the plan. The childfree moment is a joke...these people are honestly just envious of parents like I am, but they won't admit it.
My opinion, as an ASD female with 11 kids; is that:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady
No one wants to acknowledge this issue, but the stigma against single, childless people over 30 is real. Past 30, you're meant to have your **** together and be married with kids.
You might be projecting your disappointment with your situation on others? Maybe you need to give yourself a break, you are being too hard on yourself. I know what it’s like to suddenly realize how much time has gone by & wonder if you will ever be a real grown-up & to look around & your peers ... are grown-ups. It is surreal & anxiety provoking but you are still younger than a lot of neurotypical women are when they move to the next phase, so don’t worry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady
If you're not, people see you as some sort of non adult and you end up losing friends when they get pregnant, as parents tend to only want to be friends with other parents and people change when they have kids. Dating becomes difficult too, because you're left with the people who are also not good enough to be part of society by following the plan.
I think it probably looks that way because your peer group has already matched up, so in a way; the only singles you do see are the “leftovers”. I think it just means that there will be someone for you from outside your peer group. My oldest 6 sons are ages 23-33 & I hear from them & their friends that they wish there were more single women their age who didn’t already have 2 or 3 “baby’s daddies” running around. They also, need to broaden their horizons because obviously; they are out there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady
The childfree moment is a joke...these people are honestly just envious of parents like I am, but they won't admit it.
To me; it feels more like contempt than envy. Of course, with 11 kids, I could just be hypersensitive to it.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by rodentraiser
This crap with not allowing women to get themselves sterilized is unreal. I hadn't realized how bad the problems were until I started reading about them.
I had my tubes tied back in the 80s. I think I was in my mid 20s or thereabouts, single, and no kids. I just walked in and asked, they wanted us to attend a meeting to make sure we all understood what was involved, and then we could make the appointment and get sterilized.
Now I'm reading about doctors who insist women be over thirty, have three kids, get their husband's permission, and on and on. Then they still try to discourage women left and right. Then there's the fact that so many hospitals today are Catholic hospitals and they refuse to sterilize anyone.
The other thing I'm reading about is single women without kids constantly being asked to cover holidays, OT, extra shifts, and travel because they don't have kids and because they supposedly have "more free time". A lot of mothers with kids also get a pass at work to come in late and take days off because of their kids.
I know when one of our vault workers got pregnant, she couldn't lift, she couldn't carry, she couldn't basically even stand for any length of time. What that meant was that she came to work and did nothing and got paid for it and the rest of use did our jobs and hers as well for no extra pay.
At that time, it was, well, you just put up with it because "your turn will come" but that shouldn't fly today, even though it's still happening. I still remember when all the young women I worked with were getting pregnant and they all had baby showers. I counted up how many I'd have to attend and how much it would cost and decided it would either be everyone or no one. I chose no one because no way could I afford to finance all those kids.
You'd have thought the world ended. I was told I needed to go to the parties because these women would attend my baby shower when I was expecting. Not if. When. And I'd had the same conversation over and over with any and all coworkers who asked. I didn't want kids and I wasn't having any. But of course, at the age of 24, I was old enough to make the mature decision to have a baby if I'd been married, but being single and not wanting to have kids, I was "too young" to know how I really felt about it.
And from what I hear and read these days, not much has changed since then.
The baby shower thing can get men in trouble too in the workplace. I’ve had five women in my department get pregnant and I’ve gotten stink eyes because I refuse to attend and buy gifts for them simply because I can’t afford to accommodate everyone. I’m like, I have bills that I’m paying on my own living in one of the most expensive suburbs in the country, it is not like I have a spouse to supplement my income like almost everyone in my department. Also, I didn’t get one single gift for my birthday or when I completed my Masters last year. So thirty seconds of sex that results in conception is worth a lavish party but I can’t even get a verbal congrats for busting my over two years to get a Masters?
Thankfully that Masters ended up being my ticket out since I just accepted a job in my field that gets me out of a super conservative workplace and field in general. And I’m not interested in having “my turn” in parenting or even marriage either.
This crap with not allowing women to get themselves sterilized is unreal. I hadn't realized how bad the problems were until I started reading about them.
I had my tubes tied back in the 80s. I think I was in my mid 20s or thereabouts, single, and no kids. I just walked in and asked, they wanted us to attend a meeting to make sure we all understood what was involved, and then we could make the appointment and get sterilized.
Now I'm reading about doctors who insist women be over thirty, have three kids, get their husband's permission, and on and on. Then they still try to discourage women left and right. Then there's the fact that so many hospitals today are Catholic hospitals and they refuse to sterilize anyone.
The other thing I'm reading about is single women without kids constantly being asked to cover holidays, OT, extra shifts, and travel because they don't have kids and because they supposedly have "more free time". A lot of mothers with kids also get a pass at work to come in late and take days off because of their kids.
I know when one of our vault workers got pregnant, she couldn't lift, she couldn't carry, she couldn't basically even stand for any length of time. What that meant was that she came to work and did nothing and got paid for it and the rest of use did our jobs and hers as well for no extra pay.
At that time, it was, well, you just put up with it because "your turn will come" but that shouldn't fly today, even though it's still happening. I still remember when all the young women I worked with were getting pregnant and they all had baby showers. I counted up how many I'd have to attend and how much it would cost and decided it would either be everyone or no one. I chose no one because no way could I afford to finance all those kids.
You'd have thought the world ended. I was told I needed to go to the parties because these women would attend my baby shower when I was expecting. Not if. When. And I'd had the same conversation over and over with any and all coworkers who asked. I didn't want kids and I wasn't having any. But of course, at the age of 24, I was old enough to make the mature decision to have a baby if I'd been married, but being single and not wanting to have kids, I was "too young" to know how I really felt about it.
And from what I hear and read these days, not much has changed since then.
I don't go to any birthday parties or showers or weddings of people I'm not close to or care about. Some woman sends me a shower invite when I haven't talked to her in 10 years, she has never nailed down a time to "catch up," and the last time I saw her in person was 4th grade? I don't think so.
I don't have parties for every d@mn birthday my kids have... and I HATE buying gifts for people I don't like. Why should anyone be expected to? I purposely signed something to remove our contact info from the school registry (goes out to all students' households) so that we would be absent from the endless stream of b'day party invites from every child our three children knew. It was constant before... $20+ and at least one weekend day, almost every weekend, because of some brat's birthday. And almost all of them were and are. These kids have no manners, don't know how to speak with people, and don't even look at you or respond. No, thanks. Generally, their parents aren't much better. (Not surprising.) The kids my kids are friends with? They give them the invitation in person. I'll happily buy a nice gift and schedule drop off/pickup and be nice. That's fine. It's typically once a month.
Otherwise, we opt out of the whole thing. The same goes for fundraiser sales but we're consistent and everyone knows. "The Mets don't do fundraisers." We never buy anything but we also never sell anything. They can always ask but we'll always say "No- but good luck!" I like that reputation. It may seem harsh but it's nonsense to participate. Nobody wants to sell or buy $15 rolls of wrapping paper, $20 boxes of microwavable popcorn, $5 boxes of cookies that the grocery store sells for $1.50, or wreaths that look like they were covered with garbage for $50. If our kids need money for something, we pay for it and/or they pet-sit and babysit or do yard work for it. They make more for their effort, working, than asking friends/neighbors/relatives to overpay for garbage so that 2-20% of that inflated price goes toward some amount.
No one wants to acknowledge this issue, but the stigma against single, childless people over 30 is real. Past 30, you're meant to have your Mod cut. together and be married with kids. If you're not, people see you as some sort of non adult and you end up losing friends when they get pregnant, as parents tend to only want to be friends with other parents and people change when they have kids. Dating becomes difficult too, because you're left with the people who are also not good enough to be part of society by following the plan. The childfree moment is a joke...these people are honestly just envious of parents like I am, but they won't admit it.
Hahaha yeah right!! I am not whatsoever jealous of people cleaning dirty diapers, shuttling kids around to soccer practice, experiencing (according to studies) 6 years of sleep deprivation, much less expendable income, less sex, less time for myself and hobbies. Are you kidding me?!? I don’t understand why anyone wants kids - god bless them - so no, we aren’t jealous. I have a fiancé, we’ve been together for 7.5 years now, neither one of us ever has wanted kids. I’m 36, so kids aren’t in my future. We’d abort if there was an accident but given how safe we are, yeah right, there never would be.
Stop trying to “fit it” and worry about silly things. I have no interest in being friends with parents; they’re boring and have little time to hang out anyway.
I have no interest in being friends with parents; they’re boring and have little time to hang out anyway.
Stereotype much? I don’t have kids; but I do have friends who do - and this is an absurd statement.
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over two years to get a Masters?