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I want to talk about 'MillennialUrbanist' for a second and the reactions to his posts from some of the members in here who have chosen to attack him.
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I bet if the shoe were on the other foot and if it were someone saying "I couldn't stand being single and I never want to be single again", I highly doubt anyone would jump on such an individual and attack them as they do with someone who chooses an alternate lifestyle. That's the hypocrisy of our society. We tell people to "be themselves" but then we chastise them for it if we don't agree with their lifestyles and we refuse to listen to their point of view.
Meh. It's been the American way since 1776: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." (In smaller print: "This doesn't apply to women, ethnic minorities, and non-landowners.") Or for today's example: "You do you." (In smaller print: "As long as you're just like us.") That said, it's a real estate forum. People in relationships are the ones buying the most real estate. So it's a given that it'd be a favored demographic around here.
Heck, I didn't even need to "deal with my choice" or "mask my unhappiness". The evidence of unpleasant relationships always stared me right in the face. From my family of origin, to some of my own relationships, to my friends' relationships today. Because if relationships didn't have a prisoner/correctional officer dynamic, why does every TV show depict them that way?
Meh. It's been the American way since 1776: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." (In smaller print: "This doesn't apply to women, ethnic minorities, and non-landowners.") Or for today's example: "You do you." (In smaller print: "As long as you're just like us.") That said, it's a real estate forum. People in relationships are the ones buying the most real estate. So it's a given that it'd be a favored demographic around here.
Heck, I didn't even need to "deal with my choice" or "mask my unhappiness". The evidence of unpleasant relationships always stared me right in the face. From my family of origin, to some of my own relationships, to my friends' relationships today. Because if relationships didn't have a prisoner/correctional officer dynamic, why does every TV show depict them that way?
The land of the free clearly isn't so free after all, if you're too different from the norm in any way. The same can be applied here. I suppose it depends where you live though, but the 'family' is still the norm in much of provincial England and even if people won't say it to your face that they consider you a weirdo or a spinster, they'll avoid being friends with you and will judge you behind your back. There aren't many politicians that are single and childless, at least not senior ones. Our own ****ty Prime Minster is childless and married, but even she was subjected to stigma from a rival Conservative Party leadership candidate in 2016, who claimed that she was less capable because she had never been a mother.
I may not completely agree with your assessment of relationships, but your opinion is based on personal experience and is just as valid as anyone else's, so you don't deserve to be attacked for it or told that you're missing out. I find most people ....hypocritical at best, toxic at worst. If you'd been a married dude telling people to "beware of loners" then most people would agree with you or just stay quiet. But the minute you try to defend your own lifestyle and dare to criticise the norm, you're attacked for it and accused of harboring some sort of mental illness.
I want to talk about 'MillennialUrbanist' for a second and the reactions to his posts from some of the members in here who have chosen to attack him. While his views on relationships and marriage may not conform to your own, you're actually perpetuating the stigma against such people by attacking them and attempting to shove it in the faces of such people how 'perfect' your own relationship is or by telling him he's 'missing out' or psychoanalysing him by claiming that he is masking great unhappiness and loneliness. But even if the latter is true, how he deals with it is his choice and if that means changing his thought process to be able to convince himself that relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be, then more power to him. It's better than having to deal with loneliness and pity from other people in relationships, after all.
I bet if the shoe were on the other foot and if it were someone saying "I couldn't stand being single and I never want to be single again", I highly doubt anyone would jump on such an individual and attack them as they do with someone who chooses an alternate lifestyle. That's the hypocrisy of our society. We tell people to "be themselves" but then we chastise them for it if we don't agree with their lifestyles and we refuse to listen to their point of view.
The stigma is real, even though I'll admit that it's not on the same level as the stigma against LGBT people or people with physical or mental disabilities.
OP, it's not about "choosing an alternative lifestyle". Mill-Urb, or anyone, is free to live as they wish. The issue people tend to have with him, is that he makes blanket statements that are extreme.
Also, I don't agree, that if married people bashed single hood on a forum, they'd be met with no resistance. I don't quite understand that point. Why bash either one: marriage or singlehood? Why not just say, "it's not for me", and leave it at that?
BTW, your point about this not being the Relationships forum is well taken. . Still, to say that all marriages are like jail is simply ridiculous, and ignores the happy, rewarding marriages that last through old age. It ignores the many marriages, where the partners each pursue their own hobbies and hang out with their own friends apart from their partner, and take separate vacations, as well as vacations together. Mill-Urb's experience and observations are very narrow, which he repeatedly declines to acknowledge.
And my point is he wouldn't have been attacked at all if he were in a relationship and attacking single people for their choices. That's the hypocrisy and I see it. His attitude probably comes from years of being told he should be in a relationship to be happy or from losing friends after they got coupled and had kids. How he deals with that is his business and he could be doing much worse if he listened to you lot telling him he's missing out or that he's severely unhappy. Even I find the latter judgment of him to be quite insulting
But that’s a false equivalency, since no one here has attacked anyone for being single. It’s his business what he chooses to do, but he what he chose to do is to say that everyone here that’s in a relationship is a fool. Again have been on both sides of this, I’m 57 and just met the love of my life two years ago so don’t tell me that I’m in one category or the other. I understand perfectly both sides of this. Ideally no one should be attacking anyones choices on this forum and no one was until millennial urbanist joined it. He is the one who came onto the thread and proceeded to attack other people’s choices.
But that’s a false equivalency, since no one here has attacked anyone for being single. It’s his business what he chooses to do, but he what he chose to do is to say that everyone here that’s in a relationship is a fool. Again have been on both sides of this, I’m 57 and just met the love of my life two years ago so don’t tell me that I’m in one category or the other. I understand perfectly both sides of this. Ideally no one should be attacking anyones choices on this forum and no one was until millennial urbanist joined it. He is the one who came onto the thread and proceeded to attack other people’s choices.
I don't see him 'attacking' but rather expressing that he doesn't like the typical American notion of the happy family, happy couple etc. He's not personally attacking your relationship or anyone else's for that matter. But to sit there and accuse him of being miserable and missing out is a form of attack in itself, as it's probably something he's grown tired of hearing over the years? If he was married and saying things like "loners are creepy" then no one would bat an eyelid, but the minute someone questions or criticises deeply entrenched societal norms, they get subjected to almost a witch hunt for it..
In other words, I may not agree with all of what he says, but I think I get where he's coming from.
OP, it's not about "choosing an alternative lifestyle". Mill-Urb, or anyone, is free to live as they wish. The issue people tend to have with him, is that he makes blanket statements that are extreme.
Also, I don't agree, that if married people bashed single hood on a forum, they'd be met with no resistance. I don't quite understand that point. Why bash either one: marriage or singlehood? Why not just say, "it's not for me", and leave it at that?
BTW, your point about this not being the Relationships forum is well taken. . Still, to say that all marriages are like jail is simply ridiculous, and ignores the happy, rewarding marriages that last through old age. It ignores the many marriages, where the partners each pursue their own hobbies and hang out with their own friends apart from their partner, and take separate vacations, as well as vacations together. Mill-Urb's experience and observations are very narrow, which he repeatedly declines to acknowledge.
I beg to differ and this is where the word 'stigma' comes in. You;ll find far more criticism, harsh judgments and stereotyping of single / unmarried / childless people than you will married people. This applies to both sexes too, so I don't want to hear any argument about how it's supposedly worse for men...it just takes different forms. The fact is that when you pass your 20's and you're still unmarried (or just not in a relationship) you're going to get judged. Again, maybe if you[re completely happy with your choices or if you're living in a tolerant / diverse place, you probably won't notice it, but it exists.
I may say so, he athtacked relationships, and we defended them. It was his statement that relationships and marriage is a prison and that a spouse is a jail keeper that prompted the responses he got.
...and it’s ALWAYS the woman in the relationship that is the jail keeper, that may be why there is instant rebuttal. There are just as many MEN who play boss and jail keeper, historically hasn’t that been the case?! Yes, I agree with Dis as well “there can be a lot of bs in relationships” but MU won’t think of that as me “backing him up”, he’d put a spin on it.
Yeah relationships can be crap, it all depends who’s in it and what they want. If all they know is how to make it “crap” that’s all they’ll ever have.
...and it’s ALWAYS the woman in the relationship that is the jail keeper, that may be why there is instant rebuttal. There are just as many MEN who play boss and jail keeper, historically hasn’t that been the case?!.
Historically, yes. But today, the pendulum has swung. I'm going by what I observed. And I'm not even asking to be in charge. All I want in a marriage is to be left alone. I mean, isn't that what "family values" Conservatives want from the government?
And I concede that we've butted heads a few times. I suppose it won't hurt to read posts more closely. <shrug>
Historically, yes. But today, the pendulum has swung. I'm going by what I observed. And I'm not even asking to be in charge. All I want in a marriage is to be left alone. I mean, isn't that what Conservatives want from the government?
And I concede that we've butted heads a few times. I suppose it won't hurt to read posts more closely. <shrug>
I can see why he believes that and I don’t blame him one bit.
Relationships can bring a lot of BS too. Of course, the sunshine and puppies types never realize that.
Sure - there is BS everywhere. That said, pessimists don’t fully understand we make our own ‘sunshine’ by putting into a relationship what we expect to get out of it. It doesn’t just happen.
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. Still, to say that all marriages are like jail is simply ridiculous, and ignores the happy, rewarding marriages that last through old age. It ignores the many marriages, where the partners each pursue their own hobbies and hang out with their own friends apart from their partner, and take separate vacations, as well as vacations together. Mill-Urb's experience and observations are very narrow, which he repeatedly declines to acknowledge.
