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My BIL's sister left her husband after almost 50 years. People were shocked, but she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't care if her lifestyle changed, she was free!
It is also sad because she thought they would always be happy.
This is why I am skeptical of people who claim to have "weathered the storm" to stay married long-term over 10, 20, 30 years, etc. Sociologists have noted that "Gray Divorce" is more common these days. It seems to spike when the children leave and the parents are in their 50s or older. https://www.marketwatch.com/story/yo...rse-2017-03-13
The graph shows that young people's divorce rate has decreased relatively, but that is because many are just choosing to live together instead of getting married. Millenials were hit hard by the great recession, so a lot of them were just living with their parents after graduation - hence not getting married. But grey divorce has gone up statistically.
Got married at 18 still happily married 33 years later. We have weathered many storms including the death of a child. We have a nice home, have traveled, have friends etc. I have not stifled my interests in any way and I could afford a nice middle class lifestyle on my income alone so that isn't a consideration in staying married. My husband and I both have interests of our own and pursue them often. I have stayed married because I truly love my spouse and want to share my life with him.
I got married at 37, divorced at 40. We were together 7 years. Divorce was the worst pain I've ever been through by a long shot. If it were up to me we'd still be married. But I certainly learned a lot about being a better communicator (post divorce) that should serve me well. But dating sucks, and its really hard to find someone to settle down with again. In a way, I wish I hadn't met her. I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't.
My first marriage...while we did not "make it legal" for the first 10 years, we lived like married people, the only reason we held off really was taxes (getting married actually hurt our tax situation, and I'm an accounting nerd.) So it was 18 years with him. I was age 18-36 during our relationship. He was 29-47. I was his third wife...and that was one of many red flags I should have paid more attention to when we met. But I feel like at 18 I was still under the teenage delusion that I was sort of invincible and nothing bad would happen. I dunno. That relationship was, by and large, more of a mistake than not. I tried very hard to keep it working for the sake of our two kids. But eventually the wheels came off.
For most of it, even when it wasn't terrible, I felt like I was serving a prison sentence. It was not the life I'd wanted. I was just doing what I could to deal with it as gracefully as I was able, because I didn't know what else I could realistically do.
I believe that even if things had been able to go on at "OK" levels (as opposed to what happened, which was his major mental breakdown and increasing violence and issues until I left, among other disaster factors at the time)...if we'd been able to keep on going, I'd still probably have left him after the kids were grown. It had to end. It ended.
I wasn't sure if marriage, or even monogamy, was for me after that. But then, well, as it happens, I found the man I'm with now and we are just really perfect for each other. So I do think we will get married at some point.
I've grown more in the last 4 years since my ex and I broke up, than I did in 18 years before then. I've become a much happier, healthier, and more genuine version of myself.
But I cannot speak to anything as like...how it is, or a trend...I think every situation and life story will be somewhat different.
I married my husband when I was 27 and he was 26. We had only dated a year and a half and never lived together. In fact, we lived in separate states. We're going on 16 years in July. We've been married through our twenties, thirties, and currently 40s. "Weathering the storm" is apt because, as we've learned, marriages change since the environment around marriages changes. nothing is static, especially when your marriage is over a decade long. we were married for a long time (over 10 years) when we hit that proverbial bump in the road that coincided with both of us hitting middle age. Because we had a pretty calm marriage, we were a bit taken aback by it. but over time, we navigated through it and are more mindful about not falling into patterns and being more attuned to time spent together (falling into patterns and disconnect is easy to do when you're parents.) Marriage, just like life, is always a "work in progress". But one thing that has not changed is our love and commitment to each other, so we were able to address our issues and continue moving forward. when you are committed to a person, you make that effort to try and address the problem and not just throw up your hands and go "eff it" as I am innately inclined to do.
You hit the nail on the head OP. It's about finding the right person. I had been in a number of relationships before my husband to know what I wanted in a partner. I didn't get married for reasons like "I'm getting too old", "I want kids", "I'm having a kid", etc. I got married because in my heart I knew that this was the man for me. Just knew it.
To me, my "SO" partners brought differing experiences that so enriched my life and created incredible memories. I think about our experiences, more than the person themselves. I was attracted to the excitement around them. But wanting adventure, more than kids or settling down, isn't the norm, I know.
I stayed while it was good. 17 years first time; 7 second time, now just passed 13. When #1 and #2 went off the rails, I had to get out, despite all the "good times".
Though #2 turned out to be a jerk, I'll never regret the 5 years of riding the Pacific Crest Trial on horseback, for example.
#3 is kind and steady: good for retirement. I plan whatever exciting trips and adventures I come across, and he enjoys them.
I'm glad for my varied experiences and adventures. For my siblings, decades of steady, predictable, secure life with one SO, and a plethora of kids' activities, fulfills them. They are happy and successful. I wanted something else. To each his own.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We get along GREAT. We call each other our "boon companion" and our "running buddy."
We met when we were in our mid 40s and got married a year later. We had both been married twice before.
Neither of us were anything like the people the other had dated or married before. In the past, we had both dated and married opposites. This time it was like we married someone so similar in personality that it's alarming sometimes! We are also both "outside the norm" when it comes to "type" in our past relationships. He is more conservative, and also more gallant, than anyone I'd dated before. I had dated a lot of what I'd call "metrosexuals" and business men who wore suits to work every day, who threw their ties over their shoulders when they ate, who had a cell phone stuck permanently to their ear, etc. Men with soft hands and precision hair cuts, men who had the money to pay other people to do "the dirty work" when the reality was that it would have been a fiasco for them to try to "do the dirty work." He had dated a lot of "cowgirls." Women who had long hair, who wore tight jeans and western belts and who knew how to ride a horse, and eat crawfish, and who listened to country music and knew how to line dance.
Wow, he's no metrosexual and I'm no cowgirl, that's for sure. He was the first man I ever even dated who knew how to ride a tractor and a horse, and who drove a pickup truck, and I was the first woman he ever dated who wore high heels to work and who had short hair and who had never even heard of Vince Gill!
But we immediately delighted each other, and on our first date we both laughed so hard for so long that our faces and stomachs hurt the next day! We have learned a lot from each other and we are both better for it.
On a sadder note, we were both also raised by seriously mentally ill mothers and enabling fathers. And we both had brothers who were a lot needier than we were, for health reasons. We were both the underappreciated kids who flew under the radar, who got the leftovers, who were both "out of sight and out of mind," and who were both sort of thrown to the side because out of our entire families, we were the ones with the fewest emotional, mental or physical health problems and I think subconsciously both our families just figured we'd make it with less attention and appreciation - and we both did. But WOW, to meet someone else who understands that subtle form of rejection, and the totally dysfunctional aspects of being raised by a mentally ill mother who, in spite of trying to do her best, was pretty abusive in the downward spirals..it was amazing to us to meet someone else who understood that sort of pain and dysfunction so well.
Both of us had NOT sorted through our own emotional issues when we'd gotten married the first, and then the second times. But when our second marriages both fell apart, we both independently realized that we'd better get our own heads and lives together or we would just bounce through life from one dysfunctional relationship to the other.
Both of us are actually very faithful, monogamous sorts of people. But we both were marrying our mothers in a sense - we were familiar with that level of craziness and dysfunction, but when we'd get into the meat of a marriage to a dysfunctional and mentally ill person, we'd realize "HEY WAIT A MINUTE - THIS SUCKS!" And we also both looked back at our fathers and their enabling ways and the excuses they gave to everyone, starting with their own kids, and we'd say "Nope, sorry, not doing this."
So long story short, we both got our heads and minds and hearts and lives - and credit reports - in order after two disastrous marriages, and so by the time we met each other, we were both stable and still are.
I am crazy about this man, and I think he is crazy about me too. If I outlive him (he's about 5 years older than me), I will never remarry - not because I don't like to be married (I have found out that I love it), but because I honestly think he'd be a really, really hard act to follow!
This is why I am skeptical of people who claim to have "weathered the storm" to stay married long-term over 10, 20, 30 years, etc. Sociologists have noted that "Gray Divorce" is more common these days. It seems to spike when the children leave and the parents are in their 50s or older. https://www.marketwatch.com/story/yo...rse-2017-03-13
The graph shows that young people's divorce rate has decreased relatively, but that is because many are just choosing to live together instead of getting married. Millenials were hit hard by the great recession, so a lot of them were just living with their parents after graduation - hence not getting married. But grey divorce has gone up statistically.
This is why I am skeptical of people who claim to have "weathered the storm" to stay married long-term over 10, 20, 30 years, etc. Sociologists have noted that "Gray Divorce" is more common these days. It seems to spike when the children leave and the parents are in their 50s or older. https://www.marketwatch.com/story/yo...rse-2017-03-13
The graph shows that young people's divorce rate has decreased relatively, but that is because many are just choosing to live together instead of getting married. Millenials were hit hard by the great recession, so a lot of them were just living with their parents after graduation - hence not getting married. But grey divorce has gone up statistically.
Yep, I am not overly impressed when someone tells me that they'e never been divorced if they've just opted for several long term and usually live in relationships over twenty years.
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