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I have several "friends" (past-tense) from high school who got married young, and stayed married (now more than 50 years).
I have been married more than once and am not married currently.
I am wondering about the PERCEPTIONS OF LIFE related to having a life-long partner, and the security that goes with that, versus having more than one partner, or even being single.
I realized early I was unconventional - and did not stay married because I had picked the wrong people - people I would not be happy spending many years with, or "growing old" with (very curious about that phrase when young people use it - that idea was never attractive to me).
Sometimes I get nostalgic (as I am right now) and wish I had the continuity (more in terms of history and being able to talk about "do you remember when we had that horrible apartment," or when something significant transpired . . . just having history with someone seems like it could be so reassuring and so much fun (in terms of reminiscing).
If I had met the right person (of course), I would still be married.
I am astounded of the numbers of people who do meet "the right person" at a young age! To me, that is a miracle and a supreme gift.
So, the question I guess is about experience and its value.
I feel like I have grown, far more, than any of my "friends" who stayed with one person.
I never liked dull routine and rigid habits . . . I guess if the person is a joy to be around and you are truly magically mated, it would be something I could not even imagine.
I am wondering if many or most or any of these people have stifled their growth by staying with one person (if they did so for "security," or any reason other than true love and companionship).
What are your thoughts on the benefits (relative to growth of the individual) by staying with one person, versus not?
One legal contract with another person was enough for me. One marriage and never wanted to go there again...I knew that immediately upon divorce. I had some nice bf's but let them go as some wanted marriage, I did NOT.
I believe many who married pretty young and stayed married a long time lived quiet lives of desperation...due to money, religion and other social reasons, hung in. And yes there are some good marriages out there I suppose. I didn't see one in my parents, my brother went thru divorce and never remarried but with a gf now but no marriage in their lives, and sister had a long marriage and she often said, we do well because I'm out of town a lot in my job. ummmmm
BTW: Op what is old in your life. I don't like to call myself old at going on 81, but my body has let me down too much in recent years.
Last edited by jaminhealth; 03-23-2019 at 07:41 PM..
Married 48 years. Both of us have pushed the other to grow, I think. I know I could not have gotten my advanced degree without his support.
We went through some things together, and you are right that we often remember things we went through years ago.
From your post, it seems to me that you prize your desire for unconventionality and independence above your marriage. Or perhaps you married unwisely. I don’t know.
I do not regret my marriage at the age of 24. My DH is a good man, and I was blessed to find him.
Most of the long-term married couples that I have known who were among the last of the baby boomers and the early Generation Xers who have had marriages or other forms of relationships lasting 20 years or more consist of very capable, intelligent individuals, usually in intellectual fields such as teaching, the sciences, the humanities, etc., with a few who are other sorts of professionals. They have happy marriages and most have children who are now in their teens or twenties. I, on the other hand, am in my 50s and single, having had only one relationship, and it lasted less than two years.
My friends and family with long-term partners have not become any less intellectual, interesting, or thoughtful in all the years I have known them. In fact, having a life with one partner seems to have taught them things about human nature and made them more compassionate. Though they might have learned these things about themselves and humanity and general, and grown more compassionate, even without a partner. (I have!) Few of them married young. Most if not all were, so far as I know, in their late 20s or 30s, often during or after graduate school.
My Silent Generation parents married young and had a long marriage (40+ years). Theirs was very enlightening, at least for my mother, but in all the wrong ways. It was a horrible marriage that ended in acrimonious divorce. Their marriage lasted because each had non-romantic/non-sexual needs the other met, even though they despised each other.
I have several "friends" (past-tense) from high school who got married young, and stayed married (now more than 50 years).
I have been married more than once and am not married currently.
I am wondering about the PERCEPTIONS OF LIFE related to having a life-long partner, and the security that goes with that, versus having more than one partner, or even being single.
I realized early I was unconventional - and did not stay married because I had picked the wrong people - people I would not be happy spending many years with, or "growing old" with (very curious about that phrase when young people use it - that idea was never attractive to me).
Sometimes I get nostalgic (as I am right now) and wish I had the continuity (more in terms of history and being able to talk about "do you remember when we had that horrible apartment," or when something significant transpired . . . just having history with someone seems like it could be so reassuring and so much fun (in terms of reminiscing).
If I had met the right person (of course), I would still be married.
I am astounded of the numbers of people who do meet "the right person" at a young age! To me, that is a miracle and a supreme gift.
So, the question I guess is about experience and its value.
I feel like I have grown, far more, than any of my "friends" who stayed with one person.
I never liked dull routine and rigid habits . . . I guess if the person is a joy to be around and you are truly magically mated, it would be something I could not even imagine.
I am wondering if many or most or any of these people have stifled their growth by staying with one person (if they did so for "security," or any reason other than true love and companionship).
What are your thoughts on the benefits (relative to growth of the individual) by staying with one person, versus not?
I totally agree with you!
I have been married and divorced twice. Even though my first husband was and is a nice person, I think i would not have been the person i am now. I feel like you that i am more open minded.
I would say that the people that have stayed with their high school marriage partners - probably 75% are miserable and just stay because that is what people do.
The women are so rigid in their thinking. I feel like a hedonist compared to them!
The sorriest example of my friends I can think of is a female friend of mine who would love to leave her husband, but she has admitted that she would miss their really nice home with a view, if she left him. No matter how much I have tried to help her as far as how she could leave him and find her own place, yatta yatta, she'd rather stay with him.
Everyone has to decide what their price would be as far as breaking up a relationship. Many people are willing to suffer in the relationship in order to get the perks that come with staying in it.
Just depends on what you want more - freedom or perks with pain.
The sorriest example of my friends I can think of is a female friend of mine who would love to leave her husband, but she has admitted that she would miss their really nice home with a view, if she left him. No matter how much I have tried to help her as far as how she could leave him and find her own place, yatta yatta, she'd rather stay with him.
Everyone has to decide what their price would be as far as breaking up a relationship. Many people are willing to suffer in the relationship in order to get the perks that come with staying in it.
Just depends on what you want more - freedom or perks with pain.
Heck - you never know
My BIL's sister left her husband after almost 50 years. People were shocked, but she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't care if her lifestyle changed, she was free!
It is also sad because she thought they would always be happy.
We moved five times in fourteen years from NYC to Austin, Tx to NYC (again) to Boston, MA. We've been in Westchester for a dozen years. We are in the process of downsizing. Who knows where we will retire to.
During all this moving, we had two children and worried about everything from the usual flu's to paying for colleges. We also buried my father-in-law and my parents after each had long illnesses.
Its been thirty years of happy marriage. I've never felt like we've had a dull routine or moment. I could use of that.
It's just not the same for everyone. There are some couples who live in bliss, who have been like that long-term. I don't think that's the norm.
I am just happy for anyone who is happy with their situation. I don't think there is value in staying in a relationship you're not happy in for any reason. So I don't think anyone should regret staying in a relationship that wasn't healthy for them. And I don't think anyone should lament being content living alone, either.
I never liked dull routine and rigid habits . . . I guess if the person is a joy to be around and you are truly magically mated, it would be something I could not even imagine.
I am wondering if many or most or any of these people have stifled their growth by staying with one person (if they did so for "security," or any reason other than true love and companionship).
What are your thoughts on the benefits (relative to growth of the individual) by staying with one person, versus not?
Been happily married 41 years and not a dull moment, from different cultures, immigrated to USA, lived in 5 states and currently exploring our new life in a new state.
I think there are many things that can stifle our growth whether married or not.
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