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from the first....
"What causes a grown man to feel the need to do this?"
1. What? i do not know.
2. Causes? lots of those to choose from.
3. to Feel? he is human and feels.
4. the Need? we all have needs.
5. to do This? he wants to.
Yes, I feel he can express emotional pain. When something is upsetting to him he shares and his emotions show. He may well feel undervalued at his age having made poor financial choices in life.
Yes, as I stated in my original post he complains about something all the time...a hypochondriac for sure. He just has this innate desire to be the person "in more pain" or with a "worst problem."
I have a friend like that. Beginning when she was 30 she had every illness known to man and has numerous surgeries. She's had every organ in her body removed that can be removed. She's only 50 now and already has had glaucoma and surgery on both eyes. She's allergic to nearly everything. She's had two heart procedures that she likes to refer to as 'heart surgeries' but they were noninvasive. Whatever illness I have, she's had it worse. She has suffered far more than anyone else. Then I got cancer. She couldn't one up that! Although she did go through all the various "cancer scares" that she has had, as if that's the same thing. It's not quite the same as cancer surgery, chemo and radiation. I suspect it was the only way she got attention as a child so she still does it. Her husband has always catered to her and her illnesses so it continues. Now her daughter is repeating the same behavior. When she starts complaining about her health, I promptly say "Oh, that's too bad" and change the subject.
When your husband complains of any illness say something like "what do expect? that's what happens to old people like you". Or does he enjoy being old and infirm? Is he one of those older folks who like to pretend they're even older? I swear my father told people he was in his 70's from the time he turned 60, or maybe even before. Little kids like to pretend they're older and he did too. I've known other older people who like to say they are 10 or 15 years older than they actually are. Perhaps it's for sympathy, or for people to tell them they look great for 82 when they are really 65? I don't know because I hate people thinking I'm old. If your husband hates being thought of as old, refer to his age every time he starts complaining. They may make him stop.
He just says "Ok, ok, I'm sorry" and then doesnt mention the problem he one-upped me on again. Until the next time....then he is at it again. It just doesnt sink in because he has done this behavior so long.
I am going to take the advise of you guys on here and next time call him out letting him know its my problem and not his. Maybe I will go as far as to say "Get your own problem, this headache is mine!" LOL
I have experienced something similar with my husband -- not so much the competitive thing but the need to tell people about his health problems. I believe it's a learned family thing as my family was stoic. I never knew of my dad's illness until he was end stage. His family, on the other hand, discusses every ache and pain, blood pressure levels, sugar levels, any skin discoloration, etc. and he has become his father in the last several years.
As you indicated, my husband is a very kind and considerate person but, apparently, enjoys the attention of getting sympathy concerning health issues. Don't have an answer for it; just something I have learned to live with.
There are few things I dislike more than someone talking about their health, particularly if it's minor things. It's so boring. I have NO sympathy for that stuff. I always quickly change the subject. I do NOT want to hear it! Nor do I ever want to talk about my health which is fine, except for a couple of bouts with cancer and some heart problems. But I never talk to anyone about them, except my doctors, my husband, and my grown kids if my husband insists that I tell them.
>>But she also DEFINITELY had a variation of Munchausen - she was not afraid to be sick, she WANTED to be sick, for the attention<<<
My mother was the same way. She LOVED being in the hospital because she got so much attention, there was always someone coming in her room asking her how she was feeling. She loved it.
She would also call with a very faint voice, sounding like she was barely hanging on. When I kept saying "I can't hear you" she would switch to a normal voice but be very put out that I didn't indulge her.
I have a friend like that. Beginning when she was 30 she had every illness known to man and has numerous surgeries. She's had every organ in her body removed that can be removed. She's only 50 now and already has had glaucoma and surgery on both eyes. She's allergic to nearly everything. She's had two heart procedures that she likes to refer to as 'heart surgeries' but they were noninvasive. Whatever illness I have, she's had it worse. She has suffered far more than anyone else. Then I got cancer. She couldn't one up that! Although she did go through all the various "cancer scares" that she has had, as if that's the same thing. It's not quite the same as cancer surgery, chemo and radiation. I suspect it was the only way she got attention as a child so she still does it. Her husband has always catered to her and her illnesses so it continues. Now her daughter is repeating the same behavior. When she starts complaining about her health, I promptly say "Oh, that's too bad" and change the subject.
When your husband complains of any illness say something like "what do expect? that's what happens to old people like you". Or does he enjoy being old and infirm? Is he one of those older folks who like to pretend they're even older? I swear my father told people he was in his 70's from the time he turned 60, or maybe even before. Little kids like to pretend they're older and he did too. I've known other older people who like to say they are 10 or 15 years older than they actually are. Perhaps it's for sympathy, or for people to tell them they look great for 82 when they are really 65? I don't know because I hate people thinking I'm old. If your husband hates being thought of as old, refer to his age every time he starts complaining. They may make him stop.
First, I am so sorry to hear about your health and dealing with cancer. A very scary thing, no doubt! I hope you are doing better in that regard. I wish you the best!
I do the jabs about his age, calling him an "old crone" and things like that. He definitely is one of those older people who like to pretend they are older, which I have never figured that out. Who wants to be older? As soon as he has a birthday, for the next year he has already jumped his age. I have called him out on that many times as it is soooo ridiculous! Sounds like an immature behavior that goes with his other immature behavior of having to one-up his medical issues. This old man never "learned" how to GROW UP. Sad really.
We have been married almost 10 years. I have called him out on it, but as with any issue I have sat down and expressed my concerns over, the behavior changes for 3 days TOPS, then its like we never had the discussion. He reverts right back to the previous behavior.
Speaking of relevance, get this....last night while we were watching TV he says "You know, you should put off having the surgery for as long as you possibly can, as I'm not having back surgery, so...." and I said "Wait, what? Your doctor never recommended back surgery. You have arthritis in your back and there was never a possibility of having back surgery for arthritis." Then he says, "Well, you should just put it off for as long as you can" and then he shut up. What the hell? I cannot figure that out for the life of me!
The sisters thing I have never gotten a direct answer on. I have asked him tons of times what the deal was and it was always round about answers. One ran out in front of a car (or was she crossing the street and got hit?) The other one I am not sure about. It is strange for sure.
That IS strange. Strange that you don't have the sort of communication relationship where you could follow up with... "Why?" or "What the hell?" and strange that he is so secretive about his siblings' demise. I'm sure there are other things you don't know about his past.
I can't imagine living with someone and being unable to have an honest conversation.
People use this attitude as a way to manipulate others. Sorry. It's the "poor me" all the time. That way they can use your sympathy to get you to do whatever they want at the time.
Learn to set your boundaries and things will change for you. Don't let him engage you.
>>But she also DEFINITELY had a variation of Munchausen - she was not afraid to be sick, she WANTED to be sick, for the attention<<<
My mother was the same way. She LOVED being in the hospital because she got so much attention, there was always someone coming in her room asking her how she was feeling. She loved it.
She would also call with a very faint voice, sounding like she was barely hanging on. When I kept saying "I can't hear you" she would switch to a normal voice but be very put out that I didn't indulge her.
Munchausen, OP should take a good look at that.
I was interning at a Children's Hospital long ago and my department chief's special area of interest was Munchausen by Proxy. I'd never heard of it, but I suspect, from what we're reading here, Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy are not uncommon. Now called Factitious Disorder.
I was interning at a Children's Hospital long ago and my department chief's special area of interest was Munchausen by Proxy. I'd never heard of it, but I suspect, from what we're reading here, Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy are not uncommon. Now called Factitious Disorder.
That crossed my mind, as well. Either that, or maybe narcissism, or both.
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