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I'm thinking, what is his idea of care? What was his relationship with his Mother like? Was he sick or injured as a child? Sometimes we've got to examine what makes us feel loved and why. If he feels that if he's not receiving this kind of care from you, and furthermore it's justified that YOU be the recipient and not him, then he may feel that he does not deserve love or is not getting love as that deep down self inside understands it, then I can get why he would feel "down." We do trivialize these things as him wanting "attention" but for heaven's sakes I think there's a certain kind of "attention" we all want to feel we have in our relationship with a spouse. And it can be a perfectly reasonable thing to ask for...if we can ask in the right ways, while also respecting a partner's needs, too.
The real trick is, how to get everyone's needs met, so no one feels trivialized or unimportant, undeserving or unloved. That takes a level of self awareness and honesty that is a hard thing for many people to do. But ultimately, no one should feel that they have to martyr themselves to give the appropriate amount of loving affirmation to their partner. That is not the point. It's not a competition...you need to be on the same team.
I have this sense that the notion of him being a caregiver, rather than a receiver of care, possibly due to whatever family dynamics he may have grown up with, is frightening to him. It upsets the apple cart of "how the world works" at a deeper level. It challenges things he has never seriously examined, pushes buttons he doesn't really understand.
Fact is, if a woman were feeling this way, and she had the means to do so...that's why women go for pedicures and such. We don't always ask our partner to give us that personal attention that makes us feel cared for, but we do go find it somewhere if we feel the need and if we can. I'd have an honest conversation with him and raise these points:
- So you know now that I have these serious issues and we might be heading into a time where we've got to focus on my medical stuff. This happens, it is part of life. I will need you, as my partner, to care about my needs during this time. I can't do this without your help.
- This does not mean that I DON'T care about your needs or that you are not allowed to get your needs met or that you are less important. Your feelings matter. If you don't want to examine them or talk about them, you will continue to suffer and I don't want you feeling resentful towards me. I find it preferable to do the work with you of trying to understand what you need, and think of ways to take care of you too, during this time.
- If we support one another, we can get through this together, but we need to be a team, not competing and conflicting.
And then seriously talk about if maybe there are ways he can take a bit of time to go do something for himself...it's not insane for a man to go to a (legit) spa for a (legit) massage or something. Just something to make him feel good, in a "center of attention, recipient of care" kind of way. You can do things like that for yourself when you need to. Just a thought.... ?
I'm thinking, what is his idea of care? What was his relationship with his Mother like? Was he sick or injured as a child? Sometimes we've got to examine what makes us feel loved and why. If he feels that if he's not receiving this kind of care from you, and furthermore it's justified that YOU be the recipient and not him, then he may feel that he does not deserve love or is not getting love as that deep down self inside understands it, then I can get why he would feel "down." We do trivialize these things as him wanting "attention" but for heaven's sakes I think there's a certain kind of "attention" we all want to feel we have in our relationship with a spouse. And it can be a perfectly reasonable thing to ask for...if we can ask in the right ways, while also respecting a partner's needs, too.
The real trick is, how to get everyone's needs met, so no one feels trivialized or unimportant, undeserving or unloved. That takes a level of self awareness and honesty that is a hard thing for many people to do. But ultimately, no one should feel that they have to martyr themselves to give the appropriate amount of loving affirmation to their partner. That is not the point. It's not a competition...you need to be on the same team.
I have this sense that the notion of him being a caregiver, rather than a receiver of care, possibly due to whatever family dynamics he may have grown up with, is frightening to him. It upsets the apple cart of "how the world works" at a deeper level. It challenges things he has never seriously examined, pushes buttons he doesn't really understand.
Fact is, if a woman were feeling this way, and she had the means to do so...that's why women go for pedicures and such. We don't always ask our partner to give us that personal attention that makes us feel cared for, but we do go find it somewhere if we feel the need and if we can. I'd have an honest conversation with him and raise these points:
- So you know now that I have these serious issues and we might be heading into a time where we've got to focus on my medical stuff. This happens, it is part of life. I will need you, as my partner, to care about my needs during this time. I can't do this without your help.
- This does not mean that I DON'T care about your needs or that you are not allowed to get your needs met or that you are less important. Your feelings matter. If you don't want to examine them or talk about them, you will continue to suffer and I don't want you feeling resentful towards me. I find it preferable to do the work with you of trying to understand what you need, and think of ways to take care of you too, during this time.
- If we support one another, we can get through this together, but we need to be a team, not competing and conflicting.
And then seriously talk about if maybe there are ways he can take a bit of time to go do something for himself...it's not insane for a man to go to a (legit) spa for a (legit) massage or something. Just something to make him feel good, in a "center of attention, recipient of care" kind of way. You can do things like that for yourself when you need to. Just a thought.... ?
I truly value your input here. This is very well written and I think makes perfect sense. I feel he is insecure and I need to give him some reassurance that he is just as important and has his own needs just like everyone else. Maybe explaining it the way you have brought forth here would be so reasonable and a way to work together on this issue. Again, thank you soooo much, I appreciate your thoughts!!!!
I work for a radiologist. This radiologist read my x-rays and told me everything looked fine. I told my radiologist that my orthopedist said my MRI was not good and that I needed a hip replacement. The radiologist is a hot-head and many doctors in town do not like him because he can be nasty. So when my husband went to see the orthopedist doctor for his back the doctor asked him if I got the x-ray done that he wanted. My husband said yes, and that the radiologist said it looked fine. Now, the orthopedist is a rough around the edges kind of guy also, and when my husband told him that, that is when he pulled up my report to show my husband what was going on and he said "It's not fine, this is not fine." So it was really a battle that these two doctors do not like each other and must not be on good terms. That's all it is. If you knew both of these doctors you would completely understand the situation. So please dont jump to conclusions and say something is fishy. Its not. Its what happened. I came on here to vent my frustrations, not to make up BS to tell complete strangers. What would be the point of that? Thanks for your understanding of my situation. Great forum!
I hold qualifications in allied health and have worked in the medical sector for 30 years. My concern was for the attitude of paternalism and what you are having to tolerate as you did not state, in the first place, that you had given permission for your information to be shared with your husband.
I truly value your input here. This is very well written and I think makes perfect sense. I feel he is insecure and I need to give him some reassurance that he is just as important and has his own needs just like everyone else. Maybe explaining it the way you have brought forth here would be so reasonable and a way to work together on this issue. Again, thank you soooo much, I appreciate your thoughts!!!!
Thanks, I'm glad it came across ok. Because I get it. It was part of the dysfunction in my marriage (which is now over) that I felt like I ALWAYS had to have my act together and him being compassionate to me when I had problems was just outside of the realm of possibility. It left me feeling like our relationship was this one way agreement where I always had to give him support but heaven forbid I ask for any, even if I was in, say, a medical situation. That SUCKS. But I did not have the tools to talk about it with him. Years and years of resentment built up.
While that was not what ended our marriage, it was probably a big factor in why it was doomed to end eventually, and why we were not strong enough to weather the storms that broke us, as a team...we were not a team in truth. When anyone feels like their needs don't matter, there is a breakdown in the team dynamic. When you can't see past the hurt to talk about it, the problem will only grow.
Granted I think my ex had a mental issue or personality disorder...he cannot comprehend the concept of empathy. He can only discuss anything in a way that centers it around his experiences and concerns, he cannot make another person the focus of his thinking very well at all. But that isn't normal. With a normal person...some solution, I think, should be possible that accommodates and validates everyone.
I'm going out on limb and guessing this marriage has more than one problem.
And:
HIPAA violation
Yes to the marriage part, not necessarily to the HIPAA part. It's very common for spouses to have the other spouse listed as OK to share everything with on their HIPAA forms. My husband and I are on each other's very short HIPAA list. Any of our records or information can be shared freely with either of us.
Yes to the marriage part, not necessarily to the HIPAA part. It's very common for spouses to have the other spouse listed as OK to share everything with on their HIPAA forms. My husband and I are on each other's very short HIPAA list.
Yeah, she clarified that they are.
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Honestly, all marriages have issues though - all long term relationships do for that matter. If I recall correctly, the OP is generally happy in her marriage and her husband is a good husband overall. (OP, correct me if I'm wrong!) I think what bothers me is that so many people here seem to be assuming the worst about the husband and the marriage. Not saying you're doing that but many people seem to be.
OP, what do YOU think is the main issue? Is it something you can deal with over the long haul?
I am in the camp of people who think that your husband probably needs to talk with a professional because he has experienced a LOT of loss and fear in his life and he doesn't seem to be able to communicate well with you - so it's hard to say exactly what is at the bottom of this strange habit of his. It's probably not great though, whatever it is, and what you DON'T want is for something bigger to blow up right when you may truly need some extra care (hey, as we get older, we all generally hit some rough spots physically and need some extra attention). Any chance he would consider going to talk with someone, with or without you?
he is being competitive with the last person in the world he should do this to.
men are grown boys and many men still carry around …..pains of the past...never letting it go..
lots of competitive and controlling men were put down at one time in there life and never let it go...….in fact they cycle..
just smile and say "you win" you obviously need to hear it ..
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