Lies of omission

[anarkali]

Originally Posted by matisse12

I had a strange circumstance recently. My cousin who I communicate with via email, as she is long distance in another city, decided to keep it a secret that she got together with my brother & his wife while my brother was in her city for a conference.

I asked her why she wasn't going to mention it to me in our communications (which would be a natural thing to do). She said 'she hadn't thought about it' and 'it was not on her mind' and 'it was not a conscious decision not to mention it'! I consider those all lies! She very deliberately decided not to tell me. So I find this so odd that now I don't trust her and my opinion of her has gone down.

(My brother & I don't communicate. But cousin said she did not know this - although that seems likely part of the reason she wasn't going to mention to me getting together with my brother. My cousin & I have never met as adults - we met just one once or twice as little kids)

And now your cousin has been pulled into a dynamic that exists between you and your brother, that she was unaware of as you hadn't forewarned her via email because.....??

Cousin met up with your brother (in her home ground) and her behaviour is consistent with having been triangulated. You don't know what the conversation was and your sister-in-law is also caught in the middle as relaying information. Cousins relations are notorious for carrying unconscious family feuds - probably goes back to your grandparents - and the estrangement between your and your sibling is your drama, not theirs.

[matisse12]

sorry, there is no drama. And there never was any.

family feuds? your mind certainly is embellishing, and wrongly embellishing.

family feuds? grandparents feud going forward? that's wildly completely outlandish and doesn't apply! no, none.

There were no family feuds and there are none. You're on a path of thinking that has nothing to do with my situation/family.

My brother just hasn't had much interest in me since about his age 30 - he is now age 60. (and I had a low mild interest)
He was not interested at all in our other brother either and he didn't communicate with him.
He doesn't like communicating by email either - and I like email communication.

It's not that we do not get along - it's just lack of interest on his part - and just a mild amount of interest on my part - but I am interested in his welfare and knowing if he is doing well.

He is very religious and married to a minister/pastor, and the vast focus of their lives is their church and denomination. I am not religious at all....agnostic.

No estrangement - just lack of closeness, which is much different.

Lots of older people are not close to siblings at older ages, and also through the decades - especially when always living 1000+ miles apart for entire adult lives like we have.

[Nickchick]

Originally Posted by JONOV

Its relevant to whether or not a lie is wrong. Not whether a lie is a lie (Omission or Outright.)

That's what I'm driving at. A reasonable expectation is a bit different than a reasonable entitlement.

In a lie of omission, the lie is designed to foster a misconception.

If when asked about your evening plans you say "I'm going to dinner with my friends" when in reality you're going on a double date, it could be a lie of omission, or not.

If you're telling a coworker, it isn't a lie. You aren't fostering a misconception, you're being discrete with the details of your private life, which is your right.

If you tell your spouse the same thing, it is a lie since you're omitting information to foster the misconception of your evening plans.



Yeah someone that goes on and on about their honesty, or even makes a point to tell you how honest they are, is usually a red flag. Not in the sense of frankness or bluntness, but I dated a girl that would constantly say "I'm honest as the day is long, I've never lied to you, etc..." and all I could think about was, why do you feel the need to declare it.

Yeah usually and that's what makes it so difficult on the occasion I want to prove to someone they can trust me. I can say I rarely lie but how do they know that? Worse yet on a job interview, if I tell them what I'm honest about it might not be relevant or if I disclose about something it will bite me in the butt. If I say I rarely lie because I literally can't most of the time because I'm neurodivergent here comes judgement.

Usually if I'm going on and on about my honesty I'm looking for help. I know it's generally a good thing but I wish I could turn it off at times because of how society is. I wish someone could teach me how to lie at times because there are certain things I am honest about on job interviews that I'm sure are costing the job. One time I did have to lie for a coworker. I protested hard because not only was it a lie it's something I know I would never do so it felt even more fake. She was desperate for my help so I hesitantly did but I had to read from her script and I was probably more shaky than at a job interview (which is pretty bad). If it wasn't for the fact that the boss was clueless she wouldn't have bought it. I felt so gross at the end too especially since I felt like it would be on my permanent record. So if I tried to do that at a job interview it would never work. You know how they ask you if you like working with people/you like people, I'm like erm everything in me wants to disclose it depends on the type of person and generally I don't like people because a lot of people suck. I constantly have to be careful with my words because my mind at times will take the question literally (which is funny bc I love sarcasm, I'm very imaginative and can exaggerate plenty but when it comes to official/professional I'm most likely literal thinking)