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So you managed to answer your own question - cut them off fast.
Don't you think that being overly hesitant to end a relationship is indicative of overvaluing that friendship?
So then the question becomes why are you overvaluing it? You're too afraid to let a single relationship go because....why? You don't have any other friends? You don't think you can find other friends to take their place? You have to be liked by ALL, no matter what? What is YOUR reason?
You might also want to examine the ways you are mean to others. Rarely is someone ONLY bullied and not somehow a bully to others, it just may be a bit more subtle. Aggressive emotions are sneaky and may come out passive aggressively too.
OP, just so you know, I only read your OP (opening post) & didn't go through the thread. Some people never grow up no matter how old they get & he's one of those people. He must have been a hotheaded, dramatic mess in his younger years.
Don't worry about him so much, but you can try to do as much "damage control" by telling your mutual friends that he's a hothead who's not to be believed if he's telling lies/rumors about you to them. Hopefully, they'll believe YOU because you've known them a LOT longer than they've known him.
Other than that, just do the best you can & have fun playing at your gigs! You should maybe spend a little more time doing a different hobby at times too, so your thoughts & mindset are NOT completely on the music, HIM, & how he wronged you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good4Nothin
Thanks. Well music has become a total obsession now. I have been flooded with ideas for songs, and I want to get them written while I have the time. I am also determined to get better at singing. I have other hobbies and interests, but right now music has to be the priority.
Yes he is a hot head and probably has always been. When he feels insulted by someone he doesn't hide it.
I have tried a little damage control but it's so hard because people don't want to hear long drama stories. That's why I'm here, because different people respond and I can keep writing more and more. I can't talk about this too much to friends, they won't have the patience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
Never be alone with him - but you shouldn’t be seeing him anyway (other than in public when you have to in your work). Don’t accept phone calls, texts, etc. If you ever feel threatened, take measures immediately i.e. reporting it, installing cameras, etc.
I also agree w/ CorporateCowboy. People are crazy these days & you don't know what he's up to. He can go berserk & do who knows what. You can say one last positive comment to him so as to end things on a good note, but then just try to avoid him the best you can.
I also agree w/ CorporateCowboy. People are crazy these days & you don't know what he's up to. He can go berserk & do who knows what. You can say one last positive comment to him so as to end things on a good note, but then just try to avoid him the best you can.
I agree that we might as well be careful, there is no reason to take chances. But Mr. Madd wouldn't destroy his own life just because he hates me. He loves his wife and his dog. His rage against me will probably fade, I certainly hope.
It can be very difficult to figure out whether or not someone is abusive. For one thing, we can't expect everyone to be a sweetie-pie all the time. So where do you draw the line. Also, it's very hard to know if our own behaviors somehow triggered the anger.
No one can always be in a good mood. If we're feeling bad, we could be impatient or insensitive. Then the other person reacts, and we might not be aware of what we did to cause it.
You can be almost perfect in every way, yet still get treated badly by an abuser. In a work situation, the victim of a bully is, supposedly, very often good at their job and does not deserve the bullying.
Bullying or abusiveness can be triggered by envy or jealousy. That could have been what triggered Mr. Madd in my case -- he hated to know I was playing music with someone other than him, and he envied the fact that I write a lot of songs.
Now -- in case anyone is reading this who thinks I am being obsessive -- I am only doing this here, not with anyone I know. I am not going around looking like a crazy obsessed person.
My reason for continuing to post is to sort out how we can recognize and avoid abusers. Nothing I have read about this so far makes it clear and simple, in my opinion.
This is definitely not the first time I was ever treated badly. I had close relatives and bosses who were disrespectful and/or angry and mean. So I think it is important that I try hard to understand it so I won't ever experience it again.
Cutting off relations with someone at the first sign of their not being perfect would not be the answer. So you have to decide where you draw the line.
Looking back now, I probably should have recognized Mr. Madd as bad news very near the beginning.
Hello Good4Nothin,
I hope you're doing okay... I had to chuckle at your comment I've put in bold, having read some of the replies you've had. Most of us it would seem don't think that you are.
Recognising people who are likely to turn abusive is an incredibly hard balance... as you've mentioned above it may be someones 'off day'. It's also impossible to generalise... some people are estranged from their families because their families were indeed abusive, but, the common denominator is that person! For those of us that are estranged from family members for this very reason it can be a difficult question, and one that crops up... its tempting to think "what's wrong with me?!!".
What complicates everything even more is that the more a persons been exposed to abuse, the increased tolerance to such behaviour. Add in to the mix that a persons upbringing and home life represents their 'normal'. Add in the depressing news that most likely, if you grow up in an abusive household, you're more likely to consider this 'normal' and default to finding a partner who provides this. Ugh!!! Because, ironically, according to more enlightened people that I (researchers) say it makes us feel safe because its the familiar.
I was very 'cut throat' when I was younger, I wouldn't tolerate any poor behaviour. I think I was a bit harsh and quick to judge... I think going to the extreme like this doesn't necessarily serve us well (unless there are red flags with flashing red lights). I would literally cut people out of my life. E.G. a boy I was dating commented (without thinking) and said "it's okay that you're fat, 'cos you're pretty". The End. He wrote me a very sweet letter and stuff. Looking back, I think he just didn't think before he actually spoke, but to me and my brain, from my experiences I thought he was trying to erode my self esteem etc etc, and showing signs of abuse. This was the only occasion. Anyway... I try to give people the opportunity to see how they respond to their actions and this is then what I base my actions on. I have had a weak moment, where I was completely love blind and unable to un-attach myself, and it was incredibly painful to let go, but apart from that one person I've been okay to do this.
I keep trying to keep my boundaries, sometimes its very difficult.
I hope you're doing okay... I had to chuckle at your comment I've put in bold, having read some of the replies you've had. Most of us it would seem don't think that you are.
Recognising people who are likely to turn abusive is an incredibly hard balance... as you've mentioned above it may be someones 'off day'. It's also impossible to generalise... some people are estranged from their families because their families were indeed abusive, but, the common denominator is that person! For those of us that are estranged from family members for this very reason it can be a difficult question, and one that crops up... its tempting to think "what's wrong with me?!!".
What complicates everything even more is that the more a persons been exposed to abuse, the increased tolerance to such behaviour. Add in to the mix that a persons upbringing and home life represents their 'normal'. Add in the depressing news that most likely, if you grow up in an abusive household, you're more likely to consider this 'normal' and default to finding a partner who provides this. Ugh!!! Because, ironically, according to more enlightened people that I (researchers) say it makes us feel safe because its the familiar.
I was very 'cut throat' when I was younger, I wouldn't tolerate any poor behaviour. I think I was a bit harsh and quick to judge... I think going to the extreme like this doesn't necessarily serve us well (unless there are red flags with flashing red lights). I would literally cut people out of my life. E.G. a boy I was dating commented (without thinking) and said "it's okay that you're fat, 'cos you're pretty". The End. He wrote me a very sweet letter and stuff. Looking back, I think he just didn't think before he actually spoke, but to me and my brain, from my experiences I thought he was trying to erode my self esteem etc etc, and showing signs of abuse. This was the only occasion. Anyway... I try to give people the opportunity to see how they respond to their actions and this is then what I base my actions on. I have had a weak moment, where I was completely love blind and unable to un-attach myself, and it was incredibly painful to let go, but apart from that one person I've been okay to do this.
I keep trying to keep my boundaries, sometimes its very difficult.
Thank you Mooooo. I appreciate your thoughtful comments.
I agree with you that we should not cut people off at the first sign of what we think might be abuse. I don't ever cut anyone off, actually. Mr. Madd would be the first, if he ever tried to talk to me, but he won't.
Maybe I have tolerated too much. My late BF was sometimes awful to me. But I wasn't perfect either. But BF had the power, because he seemed to care less, or pretended to. Anyway, I think everyone has a bad side, although maybe that's just my experience.
Mr. Madd told me he had NEVER had an argument with his current wife, after over 10 years of marriage. But maybe she is very subservient. Or maybe he was lying.
There are peaceful happy marriages I guess. I never saw one. None of my close relatives have peaceful marriages.
In any case, Mr. Madd is the one who ended the partnership, not me.
I went to a monthly music event today that I have been attending for about a year. I didn't see Mr. Madd there and I was very happy about that. Everyone was nice to me, so I felt that Mr. Madd must not be talking about me to anyone.
Before I left, someone asked why I wasn't playing with Mr. Madd. I gave some kind of non-answer. Then someone said they saw him there but he left.
So that means Mr. Madd went all the way there (it's a distance, and he hates to go far), and then left because I was there!
So that means he thought I would be afraid to go anywhere he might be??? Heck no. And does it mean he will stop going to anyplace where I might be?
Well thinking about it won't give me the answers, I will just have to see.
Another thing is -- the man who organizes the even that Mr. Madd cancelled, Mr. Dopeface, is a member of the church I sometimes go to! I would hate to run into him, but I don't want to be afraid of going to that church. I might go tomorrow, just to check if Mr. Dopeface glares at me.
I am FORCING myself to go to these things! I do NOT want to be intimidated.
Mr. Madd has blocked me from seeing his facebook posts, so I can't check to see where he is going. So I just have to go, and hope he doesn't.
Hi, that's okay... I just hope it's been of some help. Ive been intrigued by stuff going on (with me), and things that have happened in my life, so I've been looking up various articles... but these are research based, and not always reflected in real life. I'm sure I'll be shot down in flames by researcher for saying that, lol! But it cannot be disputed that there are so many variables in psychology it is quite challenging to have so many controls and only research one element. It can provoke some interesting thoughts though! I've also started a more management role where peoples behaviour has been incredibly interesting, but I'm trying to work towards the team becoming cohesive and at the moment there are fractions.
In time, and I'm sure you'll agree, even though you probably don't feel like it at the moment as you're still 'feeling' this, you will get to the stage where you don't feel compelled to try to look for him. You will, in time, not feel like you want to bother looking at his face book. There are many reasons he may have blocked you, and this, (easier said than done) shouldn't be worth considering. But I understand the 'why' question with all behaviour can be so teasing! He probably knows you will try to look and find out information, and quite possibly knows it'll frustrate (?) you. As with any behaviour, if there is a reaction, there is still an element of feeling... whether this is love or hate. Indifference is what sends the clear message of 'i don't care'. The fact he has blocked you (and you haven't messaged him or done anything that he could perceive as a provocation/ tried to message him on it/ commented on posts or whatever, suggests he is not indifferent. He may indeed trying to provoke you to have some sort of reaction. I indeed may be overthinking this.. but see his blocking you as a bit of a favour.. you are going ahead with your plans regardless and for this you should really celebrate, its not easy, and you're building your strength back up.
I really hope you get to this stage of almost indifference before you do see him. For your calmness and self, but you will have the added benefit of being able to demonstrate through complete nonchalance that he doesn't affect you in any way. It doesn't necessarily mean you won't feel a bit of sadness and loss for what might have been, but, its almost a grief of what possibilities the friendship could've created.
I wish I could say that there aren't many people like this... all I know is that I concentrate on myself, remind myself that other people govern their own behaviour and that if they behave badly (whatever your definition of badly is) that's their life, I can choose not to be in it. So very easy to say, I'm not perfect, there are times that I love where I perhaps shouldn't, I sometimes give too much for people I care for deeply, but I choose not to let those people stop me from going into other friendships/ relationships with an open mind and heart. I'm sure it means I'm likely to get hurt, but I'm willing to give life a chance, and not allow myself to be turned into a person Im not deep down through other peoples negative issues. Sometimes it's hard.
How did church go? Did you get a bit of resolution, albeit in a positive, fun, cheery time out?
Hi, that's okay... I just hope it's been of some help. Ive been intrigued by stuff going on (with me), and things that have happened in my life, so I've been looking up various articles... but these are research based, and not always reflected in real life. I'm sure I'll be shot down in flames by researcher for saying that, lol! But it cannot be disputed that there are so many variables in psychology it is quite challenging to have so many controls and only research one element. It can provoke some interesting thoughts though! I've also started a more management role where peoples behaviour has been incredibly interesting, but I'm trying to work towards the team becoming cohesive and at the moment there are fractions.
In time, and I'm sure you'll agree, even though you probably don't feel like it at the moment as you're still 'feeling' this, you will get to the stage where you don't feel compelled to try to look for him. You will, in time, not feel like you want to bother looking at his face book. There are many reasons he may have blocked you, and this, (easier said than done) shouldn't be worth considering. But I understand the 'why' question with all behaviour can be so teasing! He probably knows you will try to look and find out information, and quite possibly knows it'll frustrate (?) you. As with any behaviour, if there is a reaction, there is still an element of feeling... whether this is love or hate. Indifference is what sends the clear message of 'i don't care'. The fact he has blocked you (and you haven't messaged him or done anything that he could perceive as a provocation/ tried to message him on it/ commented on posts or whatever, suggests he is not indifferent. He may indeed trying to provoke you to have some sort of reaction. I indeed may be overthinking this.. but see his blocking you as a bit of a favour.. you are going ahead with your plans regardless and for this you should really celebrate, its not easy, and you're building your strength back up.
I really hope you get to this stage of almost indifference before you do see him. For your calmness and self, but you will have the added benefit of being able to demonstrate through complete nonchalance that he doesn't affect you in any way. It doesn't necessarily mean you won't feel a bit of sadness and loss for what might have been, but, its almost a grief of what possibilities the friendship could've created.
I wish I could say that there aren't many people like this... all I know is that I concentrate on myself, remind myself that other people govern their own behaviour and that if they behave badly (whatever your definition of badly is) that's their life, I can choose not to be in it. So very easy to say, I'm not perfect, there are times that I love where I perhaps shouldn't, I sometimes give too much for people I care for deeply, but I choose not to let those people stop me from going into other friendships/ relationships with an open mind and heart. I'm sure it means I'm likely to get hurt, but I'm willing to give life a chance, and not allow myself to be turned into a person Im not deep down through other peoples negative issues. Sometimes it's hard.
How did church go? Did you get a bit of resolution, albeit in a positive, fun, cheery time out?
I don't feel sad about Mr. Madd. But he did make me lose some confidence, probably just temporarily, because he said he hates all my songs. I think that was just an attempt to make me feel bad. And I guess it did.
I feel bad that I failed to get along with someone, because I thought I knew so much about human nature, and about myself, that I could fix any relationship. But there was no way. He would get angry just out of the blue. And that was from the very beginning, and all along.
Mr. Dopeface was not at church yesterday, so didn't have to worry about that. He usually is there though. Maybe next time I go he will have forgotten whatever nasty things Mr. Madd said to him about me.
I have plans with two different women friends to get together and play music. One of them loves most of the songs of mine she has heard, and likes to sing and play them with me. She is an excellent singer and violinist. The other one hasn't heard too many of my songs, but hopefully she will like some of them.
Some people like my songs and others don't like them. They are not commercial-sounding. I have to remind myself I can't expect everyone to like them, since they aren't any popular style.
So I am trying to have confidence.
It would be more convenient if I could see Mr. Madd's facebook page because I would know exactly what events he is going to. Then I could either avoid those events, or go to them knowing it could be stressful.
He blocked me because he is angry and hates me (to a surprising degree since he couldn't even say what he was angry about). Probably I just wasn't subservient enough.
He could be posting nasty things about me that I can't see. But I doubt anyone could be that stupid and horrible. Well, maybe ...
Sorry it's taken a while to get back on here to read your posts... I've been pretty much flat out at work.
I wanted to rate your posts positively but it's saying I need to spread around some of the positivity before I can (to you, at the moment).
I hope you have a good time with your friends when you get together, little outings can make the world of difference. Especially as you're fortunate enough/ have worked hard to be able to play and write music. You're not 'too' anything... irrespective of being a musician or not... you are the perfect version of you that you can be at any given time. All of us are learning and trying our best given our circumstances.
To the OP: this guy is still in your head. Get him out. Evict him.
You are devoting a lot of time to thinking about him. If he knew this, he would be pleased.
Imagine you are steel teflon, and anything he does or says concerning you will slide right off.
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Absolutely!
Most of us it would seem don't think that you are.
